I’m Susan and I’m a workaholic. My life has become unmanageable and exceeds the bounds of moderation.
I don’t think I’m alone, especially in the Baha’i community.
I’m driven to complete my goals. I’m driven to please others. I’m driven to being the best Baha’i I can be. I’m driven to participate in the community building process.
The thesaurus lists the following synonyms related to being driven:
The problem with this addiction is that it’s praised in our materialistic society, and with employers more interested in the bottom line and maximizing profits at the expense of their employees, many of us are unwittingly caught up in this behaviour.
At the root of being driven is a mistaken belief that:
- No one will love me for who I am. I have to earn their love
- Someone always has something better and I have to have what they have, and more
- I have to find a solution to all my own problems
- I have to take responsibility for things that aren’t mine to take on
- I did something to deserve abuse, bullying, humiliation, rejection, disapproval etc.
- I have to do everything right, all the time, to be number 1. Nothing else is acceptable.
- I have to be a “somebody” to be accepted.
- The only way to survive a broken heart is to get busy.
Fear is at the root of it all. In my case, it’s:
- Fear of letting go – who will I be if I’m not driven?
- Fear of poverty – who will I be if I’m fired or take time off for disability, or declare bankruptcy?
- An overwhelming disappointment in this life and wanting to do everything in my power to earn “spiritual brownie points” so I can secure a better place in the next world
- Feeling guilty for not doing enough for the Faith and being judged by the Institutions
I had to learn that being asked by representatives of the Institutions to do something is not necessarily the voice of God. I could be driven towards people pleasing, wanting to be seen and judged by others as a “good Baha’i”.
God doesn’t want us to seek the approval of others, though. ‘Abdu’l-Baha is reported to have said:
To be approved of God alone should be one’s aim. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Star of the West, Vol. 6, No. 6, p. 44)
. . . at all times seeking the approval of men is many times the cause of imperiling the approval of God. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Star of the West, June 24, 1915)
Even if we let go of the need to seek the approval of others, there are pressures coming from the goals of the 5-Year plan, especially at a time when the workers are so few and we’re being called on to make a “herculean effort.”
I wonder if being driven is from God, though. Somehow I doubt it.
Bahá’u’lláh tells us:
In all circumstances they should conduct themselves with moderation. (Bahá’u’lláh, Lights of Guidance, p. 294)
Overstep not the bounds of moderation. (Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 235)
Whatsoever passeth beyond the limits of moderation will cease to exert a beneficial influence. (Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 216)
So what is moderation and how do we achieve it? This is a question I’ve taken to the Writings. Come along with me as I see what I can learn.
What I’ve Learned About Being Driven:
First of all, this quote got my attention!
Ambitions are an abomination before the Lord. (‘Abdu’l-Baha, Star of the West – 4)
So not only are we NOT to push ourselves towards our goals, we aren’t to have ambitions in the first place!
Drivenness is a lack of awareness of God in that moment, and a belief that I have to push on with a task, regardless of the cost to self and family. It’s easy in the Faith, at this period in history when the workers are so few and the tasks requiring a “herculean effort”, to give everything we’ve got and more, and to believe we can’t say no, when an Institution asks us to give even more. Instead of asking God what He wants us to do, we assume we know the answer from reading the recent letters of the House of Justice. The problem is, we may be applying the wrong remedy! Although insulin and penicillin are both valuable medications, each has to be applied to the right ailment at the right time.
Many workaholics do tasks that are not necessarily theirs to do. They may feel absolutely responsible for something, but inadequate to do it and/or unwilling or unable to delegate or ask for help. They can be hard on themselves for not being able to do it all, or as well as they would like. They blame themselves and feel guilty and ashamed and don’t know why, because in their minds, they believe they are doing all the right things.
The paradox is that we’re hard on ourselves because we know we have to follow the current guidance from the House of Justice, and when others aren’t stepping up to the plate, we do more and more and eventually burn out.
For example, here’s something I wrote about 3 years ago:
I totally understand and see the vision of the House of Justice, in which we do the core activities in our own neighborhoods as a way to build communities. I want to be part of the process but my passion lies in researching the practical application of the Writings to everyday problems, and making this information available to others through books and my blog. Even though I’m having several devotional gatherings with others over the phone; and tutoring 3 Ruhi Books over the phone, and supporting others who are animators and children’s class teachers, over the phone, I feel hugely guilty that I’m not doing it in my own cluster. Surely God sees my efforts as “enough”, yet my guilt has driven me to do more.
Recently, a member of the Institute Board told me that community building was the role of the Institutions and not the responsibility of the individual. It was a huge relief!
Also, God never asks us to carry anyone else’s responsibilities. As the House of Justice said in its Ridvan Message of 2014: “Everyone has a share in this enterprise; the contribution of each serves to enrich the whole.”
If I’m trying to fill someone else’s role because they are inactive, I don’t have time to fill my own.
Finding this quote really got my attention!
No good but only evil can come from taking the responsibility for the future of God’s Cause into our own hands and trying to force it into ways that we wish it to go regardless of the clear texts and our own limitations. It is His Cause. He has promised that its light will not fail. Our part is to cling tenaciously to the revealed word and to the institutions that He has created to preserve His Covenant.’ (Universal House of Justice, Quickeners of Mankind, p. 119)
YIKES! “only evil can come from taking the responsibility for the future of God’s Cause into our own hands and trying to force it into ways that we wish it to go regardless of our own limitations”! That’s exactly what I was doing!
But as a workaholic, it was one thing to leave the community building to the institutions and another to know what moderation looked like. I had to ask myself – when working full time on my business, is tutoring 3 study circles; holding devotional gatherings and accompanying others excessive? Or is it applying a “herculean effort”? I didn’t know, until I carefully studied the second half of this quote: my job is to “cling tenaciously to the revealed word and to the institutions.”
Recently, I joined Workaholics Anonymous who gave me the 3 R’s as a standard: In addition to working (and service), I need to spend equal amounts of time on Rest, Relaxation and Relationship Building.
So which “revealed word” can help shed some light on my need for rest, relaxation and relationship building?
Recently at a Baha’i Conference, we looked at this quote, where Shoghi Effendi told us:
…you should not neglect your health, but consider it the means which enables you to serve. It — the body . . . should be well cared for so it can do its work! You should certainly safeguard your nerves, and force yourself to take time, and not only for prayer and meditation, but for real rest and relaxation. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 297)
It was a real “aha” moment for me. I felt that Shoghi Effendi really understood me, when he said I should “force myself to take time for real rest and relaxation”! That’s what it will take! A force of willpower and a herculean effort, because I don’t know when or how to stop the work and service I enjoy doing.
That takes care of 2 of the 3 R’s right there! That’s a quote I can cling to tenaciously.
But how does an introvert like me go about building relationships when I have no ties to my biological family or a spouse? Home visits and elevated conversations with like-minded people seem to be clues, but only if these activities aren’t coming from a place of “should” and only if they lead to real rest and relaxation. I think that’s a topic for another day!
The good news is, even with a society that promotes workaholism, we can overcome it and not live in drivenness, constantly trying to measure up to someone else’s standard. God knows what we need and will provide everything we need, if only we remember to ask.
What’s your experience with drivenness? Post your comments below.