By a Reader Who Wishes to Remain Anonymous
Of my understanding of the Faith, I believe in a God who is Compassionate, All-Merciful, All-Loving, a God who wants to be our Best-Lover, who embraces us, liberates us and uplifts our spirits and wants for our hearts to be vivified with love for Him and love for all, despite our imperfections, that we are striving day by day, making each morrow better than the morn. I believe this version of God to be more true than one that is all-punishing, all-shaming and an exposer of our lowest deeds and natures, wanting our debasement before others.
It is easy for others to make me feel ashamed of my choices in the past or current, and I assure you, any shame that others point out, I have felt 1000 times magnified on myself.
I attribute these failings of conduct to myself and my own short comings and the absence of certain virtues and I struggle and have struggled. I hold no one else to blame for this or accountable for my actions.
Despite my past and all of the impurities and inadequacies that it encompasses, I still believe in the transforming power of the Creative Word and it melts my heart, and I am so humbled to feel that despite a less than perfect, less than spotless past life, that if there is a real hunger, longing, search and actions are taken, that a transformation of the inner life of a person is possible and new capacities and insights and heavenly reflections revealed.
I was attracted to the Faith for the empowerment of the individual to take charge of their own spiritual destiny and contribute to the betterment of the world, regardless of when this awakening occurs, regardless of their occupation, regardless of race, nation or creed, I believe it is possible and I believe that one of the aims of the Faith is to help revolutionise the souls of men to this very end.
So yes it is true, I was an ocean of imperfections at the time of finding the Faith and I have climbed and tripped, and climbed up again and through only what I believe to be the grace of Baha’u’llah have been able to turn a life of inward looking, self, passion and materialism to a vision that is world-embracing, a channel of love, conscious of a spiritual reality and wanting to be a part of the global movement in which the mother-principle is unity, peace and love for all mankind.
And yes, of recent I have most particularly had the deepest fall, and have struggled and been the furthest from the Faith that I have ever been. It has crossed my mind many times that I should unenroll, to prevent any heart from the potential to recognise Baha’u’llah due to my actions is unforgivable. Hurting my own spiritual progress is one thing, but to cloud the name of the Faith is grievous for which I wish to take full responsibility. At the end of the day however, and after much searching and reflecting, at this point in time I cannot bring myself to denounce Baha’u’llah as the Manifestation of God for this day, and so until that time comes, I am taking day by day, step by step to bring my actions back into line with the standards set forth, to take actions to draw me nearer to God, in ways that I believe re-enkindles the spirit, including continuing to tutor Book 1, however inadequate I currently may be to render this service.
I will acknowledge as many of my failings as I can, and I also believe it is important to acknowledge steps towards positivity as well. I’m sure with prayers and guidance of the ABMs and the LSA during this process, this can only attract light upon light and that healing can take place in the future.