Put the Glass Down By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’…. The students answered, “I really don’t [...]
Put the Glass Down
By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich
http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm
Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’….
The students answered, “I really don’t know unless I weigh it.”
The professor said, ‘now, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?’
‘Nothing’ the students said.
“OK what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?” the professor asked.
“Your arm would begin to ache” said one of the students.
“You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”
“Your arm could go numb; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis; have to go to hospital for sure! Ventured another student”, all the students laughed.
“Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?” Asked the professor.
“No” was the reply of all the students.
“Then what caused the arm to ache; the muscle to stress?” After a pause the professor asked “Before my arm ache, what should I do?”
The students were puzzled.
“Put the glass down!” said one of the students.
“Exactly!” said the professor, “Life’s problems are exactly like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK. Think of them for a long time; they begin to ache. Hold it even longer; they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.”
It’s important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to ‘put them down’ at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh; strong; can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!
Remember to put the glass down everyday!
I was talking to someone the other day, about a problem she was having with her husband. She felt that she was married to 2 different men, who she called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You could tell that she loved Mr. Hyde very much, but when he switched into Dr. Jekyll she was afraid [...]
I was talking to someone the other day, about a problem she was having with her husband. She felt that she was married to 2 different men, who she called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. You could tell that she loved Mr. Hyde very much, but when he switched into Dr. Jekyll she was afraid of him, and didn’t know what to do.
Her therapist was explaining the “cycle of abuse”, characterized by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse, whether emotional, psychological or physical, with psychological abuse nearly always preceding and accompanying physical abuse. We know that sustained periods of living in such a cycle may lead to learned helplessness and battered person syndrome. So far, her marriage hadn’t reached this stage, and she had taken very creative steps to keep herself safe. She was reaching the end of her resources, though, and wondered what she could do.
The abuse recovery model and the Bahá’í model can look very different. On the one hand, both models agree that this is intolerable. The Bahá’í Writings say:
Bahá’í men have the opportunity to demonstrate to the world around them a new approach to the relationship between the sexes, where aggression and the use of force are eliminated and replaced by cooperation and consultation. The Universal House of Justice has pointed out in response to questions addressed to it that, in a marriage relationship, neither husband nor wife should ever unjustly dominate the other, and that there are times when the husband and the wife should defer to the wishes of the other, if agreement cannot be reached through consultation; each couple should determine exactly under what circumstances such deference is to take place. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)
Where the Bahá’í Faith differs, relates to transformation:
As you know, the principle of the oneness of mankind is described in the Bahá’í Writings as the pivot round which all the Teachings of Bahá’u'lláh revolve. It has widespread implications which affect and remold all dimensions of human activity. It calls for a fundamental change in the manner in which people relate to each other, and the eradication of those age old practices which deny the intrinsic human right of every individual to be treated with consideration and respect. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual, 24 January, 1993)
But what is the “fundamental change in the manner in which people relate to each other”? It’s easy to identify virtues such as love and forgiveness, but the more difficult ones of patience, resignation and long-suffering are not on most therapists’ radar.
On the one hand, the Bahá’í Writings clearly say:
Hold thy husband dear and always show forth an amiable temper towards him, no matter how ill tempered he may be. Even if thy kindness maketh him more bitter, manifest thou more kindliness, more tenderness, be more loving and tolerate his cruel actions and ill-treatment. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Lights of Guidance, p. 226)
Now that you realize that your husband is ill, you should be able to reconcile yourself to the difficulties you have faced with him emotionally, and not take an unforgiving attitude, however much you may suffer. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 227)
We also know that when there is spousal abuse in the marriage, the feelings of one partner – maybe both – break. Those broken feelings destroy the trust and eat away at the foundations of the fortress. If we look at abuse as a beast, this quote shows us what it does:
It is said, “The beast made war against these two witnesses” — that is to say, a spiritual war, meaning that the beast would act in entire opposition to the teachings, customs and institutions of these two witnesses, to such an extent that the virtues and perfections which were diffused by the power of those two witnesses among the peoples and tribes would be entirely dispelled, and the animal nature and carnal desires would conquer. Therefore, this beast making war against them would gain the victory — meaning that the darkness of error coming from this beast was to have ascendency over the horizons of the world, and kill those two witnesses — in other words, that it would destroy the spiritual life which they spread abroad in the midst of the nation, and entirely remove the divine laws and teachings, treading under foot the Religion of God. Nothing would thereafter remain but a lifeless body without spirit. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 51)
This may be a rather confusing passage, but I think what ‘Abdu’l-Bahá is saying is that when one partner acts in ways that are against the Bahá’í laws, the virtues possible in the marriage are dispelled, and the abuser’s lower nature kills the marriage and destroys the spiritual life of both, causing nothing to remain of the marriage but a “lifeless body without spirit”.
Can a marriage be saved if it’s a “lifeless body without spirit”? Here is where the abuse model and the Bahá’í Faith differ. The abuse model would say “no” and “get out now for your own sanity.” And it would be right.
The Bahá’í Faith would say that when the emotional abuse in a marriage gets to be intolerable, you have 2 choices: start a year of patience, during which time your spouse can work on his/her anger issues so that you can trust him/her again (or vice versa); or stay in the marriage and work on developing the virtues which will help you in the next world.
Obviously this decision will be between the individual and God and between the two partners, but here are some quotes to consider for both decisions.
On the one hand, the Bahá’í Writings say:
It is a great pity that two believers, united in this glorious Cause, and blessed with a family, should not be able to live together really harmoniously, and he feels you should take constructive action and not allow the situation to get worse. When the shadow of separation hangs over a husband and wife they should leave no stone unturned in their effort to avert its becoming a reality. He urges you both to devote more of your time to teaching the Cause and to pray together that Bahá’u'lláh may give you a real and lasting love for each other. (Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 451)
But what if one partner wants to obey the spirit of this injunction and the other one doesn’t? Is it possible for the marriage to continue? The answer is yes. The only grounds for divorce in the Bahá’í Faith is irreconcilable antipathy, so as long as that point hasn’t been reached, there is still hope.
I was in that situation in my own marriage – I was willing to do everything in my power to avoid divorce, and my husband didn’t see anything wrong in the marriage. I tried everything in my power to save it. At the end, I knew that there was one thing I needed to hear, to help me stay, and when every therapist I consulted recommended divorce, I slipped into hopelessness and despair, and called it irreconcilable antipathy. I carefully studied the meanings of antipathy:
1. a natural, basic, or habitual repugnance; aversion.
2. an instinctive contrariety or opposition in feeling.
3. an object of natural aversion or habitual dislike.
The situation certainly felt irreconcilable to me, and I certainly had an aversion in his presence. When a Bahá’í I trusted suggested that it might be God’s will for me to divorce, I finally consulted the Local Spiritual Assembly for a year of patience, and the marriage ultimately ended in divorce. Years later, I heard the one thing that might have kept me in my marriage. It was the idea that marriage is like the seasons. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá describes it well:
At one time it is the season of spring; at another it is the season of autumn; and again it is the season of summer or the season of winter. In the spring there are the clouds which send down the precious rain, the musk-scented breezes and life-giving zephyrs; the air is perfectly temperate, the rain falls, the sun shines, the fecundating wind wafts the clouds, the world is renewed, and the breath of life appears in plants, in animals and in men. Earthly beings pass from one condition to another. All things are clothed in new garments, and the black earth is covered with herbage; mountains and plains are adorned with verdure; trees bear leaves and blossoms; gardens bring forth flowers and fragrant herbs. The world becomes another world, and it attains to a life-giving spirit. The earth was a lifeless body; it finds a new spirit, and produces endless beauty, grace and freshness. Thus the spring is the cause of new life and infuses a new spirit. Afterward comes the summer, when the heat increases, and growth and development attain their greatest power. The energy of life in the vegetable kingdom reaches to the degree of perfection, the fruit appears, and the time of harvest ripens; a seed has become a sheaf, and the food is stored for winter. Afterward comes tumultuous autumn when unwholesome and sterile winds blow; it is the season of sickness, when all things are withered, and the balmy air is vitiated. The breezes of spring are changed to autumn winds; the fertile green trees have become withered and bare; flowers and fragrant herbs fade away; the beautiful garden becomes a dustheap. Following this comes the season of winter, with cold and tempests. It snows, rains, hails, storms, thunders and lightens, freezes and congeals; all plants die, and animals languish and are wretched. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 73-74)
This is where my marriage ended. It was clearly winter and everything was dead and lifeless. I don’t think I’m alone here! Who wants to stay in such a cold and bleak environment, when it looks like there is no hope? Most of us (myself included), forget that:
When this state is reached, again a new life-giving spring returns, and the cycle is renewed. The season of spring with its hosts of freshness and beauty spreads its tent on the plains and mountains with great pomp and magnificence. A second time the form of the creatures is renewed, and the creation of beings begins afresh; bodies grow and develop, the plains and wildernesses become green and fertile, trees bring forth blossoms, and the spring of last year returns in the utmost fullness and glory. Such is, and such ought to be, the cycle and succession of existence. Such is the cycle and revolution of the material world. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 73-74)
Another thing to remember is that the transition from winter to spring is also very ugly – as the snow melts and everything becomes muddy, it’s hard to remember that new life is soon to come.
I think that staying in a marriage through this time helps us develop many virtues, including:
Patience:
Were it not for calamity, how would the sun of Thy patience shine, O Light of the worlds? Lament not because of the wicked. Thou wert created to bear and endure, O Patience of the worlds. (Bahá’u'lláh, Fire Tablet, Baha’i Prayers, p. 217)
He, verily, rewardeth beyond measure them that endure with patience. (Baha’u'llah, Gems of Divine Mysteries, p. 71)
I think what Baha’u'llah is telling us here is that he created us to “bear and endure” and when we endure whatever life throws at us with patience, our rewards will be immense. Short-term pain for long-term gain!
‘Abdu’l-Bahá understands how difficult it might be for some of us to have patience, particularly when we’ve been raised with poor role models ourselves:
For example, you see that children born from a weak and feeble father and mother will naturally have a feeble constitution and weak nerves; they will be afflicted, and will have neither patience, nor endurance, nor resolution, nor perseverance, and will be hasty; for the children inherit the weakness and debility of their parents. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 319)
This isn’t a justification for not having patience, but a way to be patient with ourselves when we haven’t been patient in the past, and something to overcome now that we know it.
Long Suffering:
The concept of “long suffering” is not one that is currently popular in our society, or in the abuse recovery field, so here are some quotes you might not have seen:
Bahá’u'lláh has clearly said in His Tablets that if you have an enemy, consider him not as an enemy. Do not simply be long-suffering; nay, rather, love him. Your treatment of him should be that which is becoming to lovers. Do not even say that he is your enemy. Do not see any enemies. Though he be your murderer, see no enemy. Look upon him with the eye of friendship. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 267)
If you’re looking for a role model of long-suffering you might want to read about the life of Bahiyyih Khanum. The Universal House of Justice tells us:
Her meekness, her unassuming nature, the purity of her soul, the sensitivity of her heart, the calmness of her demeanour, her patience and long-suffering in trials, and above all, her unshakeable faith, her tenderness and love, and the spirit of self-renunciation which she evinced throughout her blessed life, are outstanding characteristics that we can well emulate. (Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 557)
Here’s a prayer you can say to help acquire the virtues of patience and long-suffering:
I beseech Thee, O my Lord, by the sighs of Thy lovers throughout the world, and by their lamentation in their remoteness from the court of Thy presence, and by the blood that hath been shed for love of Thee, and by the hearts that have melted in Thy path, to protect Thy loved ones from the cruelty of such as have remained unaware of the mysteries of Thy Name, the Unconstrained. Assist them, O my Lord, by Thy power that hath prevailed over all things, and aid them to be patient and long-suffering. Thou art the All-Powerful, the Almighty, the All-Bountiful. No God is there but Thee, the Generous, the Lord of grace abounding. (Baha’u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 35-36)
Tolerance:
Be mindful that you do not consider him as an enemy and simply tolerate him, for that is but stratagem and hypocrisy. To consider a man your enemy and love him is hypocrisy. This is not becoming of any soul. You must behold him as a friend. You must treat him well. This is right. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 267)
Resignation:
Resignation is another virtue which is not very popular in today’s society but helps strengthen marriages. Here are some quotes you may not have seen:
Such hath been the patience, the calm, the resignation and contentment of this people that they have become the exponents of justice, and so great hath been their forbearance, that they have suffered themselves to be killed rather than kill, and this notwithstanding that these whom the world hath wronged have endured tribulations the like of which the history of the world hath never recorded, nor the eyes of any nation witnessed. What is it that could have induced them to reconcile themselves to these grievous trials, and to refuse to put forth a hand to repel them? What could have caused such resignation and serenity? The true cause is to be found in the ban which the Pen of Glory hath, day and night, chosen to impose, and in Our assumption of the reins of authority, through the power and might of Him Who is the Lord of all mankind. (Baha’u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 74-75)
They that yearn for the abode of the Beloved, they that circle round the sanctuary of the Desired One, are not apprehensive of trials and adversities, nor do they flee away from that which is ordained by God. They receive their portion from the ocean of resignation and drink their fill from the soft-flowing stream of His mercy. They would not surrender the good-pleasure of the Friend in exchange for the kingdom of both worlds, nor would they barter that which the Well-Beloved hath decreed in return for dominion over the realms of the infinite. They would eagerly drink the venom of woe as if it were the water of life and would drain deadly poison to its bitter dregs just as a sweet and life-giving draught. In the arid wastes of desolation they are stirred with enthusiasm through the remembrance of the Friend, and in the dreary wilds of adversity they are eager and impatient to offer themselves as a sacrifice. Unhesitatingly have they renounced their lives and directed their steps towards the abode of the Best Beloved. They have closed their eyes to the world and fixed their gaze upon the beauteous countenance of the Friend, cherishing no desire but the presence of the loved One and seeking no attainment save reunion with Him. They fly with the feathers of trust in God and soar with the wings of adherence unto His Will. In their estimation a blood-shedding blade is more desirable than finest silk and a piercing dart more acceptable than mother’s milk. (Baha’u'llah, Fire and Light, p. 11)
The abuse recovery model suggests that there is something wrong with spouses who fall back into love, forgiveness and mercy, after every one of their husband’s outbursts, as though it was part of the problem. Unfortunately this is where they differ from the standards of the Faith. Here are some quotes which might help you think of it differently:
All these purified hearts and sanctified souls hastened with perfect resignation to the call of destiny. During occasions of complaint, nothing proceeded from them except thanksgiving, and in time of affliction, only submission was visible. It is an evident fact how much hatred, animosity and enmity the people of the earth entertained toward these companions, for they considered tormenting and oppressing these holy ideal countenances conducive to prosperity, salvation and everlasting success and gain . . . Notwithstanding all their sufferings and injuries, they became the objects of the curses of the people and the subject of censure by all the servants. It seemed as if patience originated in the world of existence from their self-restraint, and faithfulness appeared in the regions of the earth from their actions. (Compilations, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 61)
This suggests that no matter what happens to us, we need to be resigned and not complain; we need to thank God and submit to His decree; we need to realize that if we can acquire these virtues, it will lead to prosperity, salvation and everlasting gain.
The following quote gives us some practical tools we can use:
Those, however, who have been trained and educated in the school of God, even when coming to such a pass, are resignation itself, and to the brutal aggressor they are as the living waters of Heaven. They are rivers of pure mercy and peace. Though powerful and well able to defend themselves, they never raise a hand to strike, nor do they open their lips to protest. They confront the others’ taunts and curses with prayers that God will forgive them, and their reply to the wounds of bullet and sword is to offer milk and honey. They kiss the murderer’s hand; as intoxicated lovers, they drain the martyr’s cup. (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khanum, p. 165)
They give us a standard to work towards:
They that yearn for the abode of the Beloved, they that circle round the sanctuary of the Desired One, are not apprehensive of trials and adversities, nor do they flee away from that which is ordained by God. They receive their portion from the ocean of resignation and drink their fill from the soft-flowing stream of His mercy. They would not surrender the good-pleasure of the Friend in exchange for the kingdom of both worlds, nor would they barter that which the Well-Beloved hath decreed in return for dominion over the realms of the infinite. They would eagerly drink the venom of woe as if it were the water of life and would drain deadly poison to its bitter dregs just as a sweet and life-giving draught. In the arid wastes of desolation they are stirred with enthusiasm through the remembrance of the Friend, and in the dreary wilds of adversity they are eager and impatient to offer themselves as a sacrifice. Unhesitatingly have they renounced their lives and directed their steps towards the abode of the Best Beloved. They have closed their eyes to the world and fixed their gaze upon the beauteous countenance of the Friend, cherishing no desire but the presence of the loved One and seeking no attainment save reunion with Him. They fly with the feathers of trust in God, and soar with the wings of adherence unto His Will. In their estimation a blood-shedding blade is more desirable than finest silk and a piercing dart more acceptable than mother’s milk. (Baha’u'llah, Fire and Light, p. 11)
This is a tough standard, indeed! It suggests even if your life is being poisoned by someone’s behaviour; even if your marriage is desolate; even if the abuse hurts as much as a piercing dart, God still wants us to change our attitude to one of resignation, offering up our pain as a sacrifice, and looking to God for mercy.
Even in moments of catastrophe, we are to attain patience, resignation and submission:
O ye Cohorts of God! In the moment of catastrophe, find ye patience, resignation and submission. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 45)
God wants us to be patient, and to not complain about our suffering.
Blessed are the steadfastly enduring, they that are patient under ills and hardships, who lament not over anything that befalleth them, and who tread the path of resignation. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 129)
We are to submit ourselves without complaining, so that others won’t even know that anything is wrong:
However, relying upon God, we conducted ourselves with the utmost patience and submission, resignation and calmness; so much that if one did not know anything about these matters, he would have thought that we were in perfect ease of soul, enjoying the tranquility of heart mind, and were engaged in happiness and felicity. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 45)
He wants us to detach ourselves from others, to resign ourselves to whatever happens without talking about our pain; without exalting ourselves over the person who is hurting us.
That seeker must, at all times, put his trust in God, must renounce the peoples of the earth, must detach himself from the world of dust, and cleave unto Him Who is the Lord of Lords. He must never seek to exalt himself above any one, must wash away from the tablet of his heart every trace of pride and vain-glory, must cling unto patience and resignation, observe silence and refrain from idle talk. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 264-265)
He wants us to thank Him for our tests, and submit ourselves to them.
All these stainless hearts and sanctified souls have, with absolute resignation, responded to the summons of His decree. Instead of complaining, they rendered thanks unto God, and amidst the darkness of their anguish they revealed naught but radiant acquiescence to His will. (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Iqan, p. 234)
His purpose in all of this is for us to acquire a saintly character, adorned with holy and goodly deeds.
The purpose of the one true God in manifesting Himself is to summon all mankind to . . . resignation and submissiveness to the Will of God, to forbearance and kindliness . . . His object is to array every man with the mantle of a saintly character, and to adorn him with the ornament of holy and goodly deeds. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 298)
He promises that if we learn how to trust His decrees, no one’s bad behaviour will ever depress his spirits, his inner life will be revived and the pain will entirely subside.
In truth were man to attain the stage of certitude in his spiritual development, no affliction could ever depress his spirits, though he would undoubtedly be influenced by reason of his human susceptibilities. Nevertheless, man’s inner being will be so revived by the breeze of divinely-ordained woes and trials that the dust of wailing and lamentation will entirely subside and the light of submissive resignation unto His Will shall shine forth like unto a radiant morn. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Fire and Light, p. 25)
Look at the lives of the martyrs for inspiration. Many of them died at the hands of their oppressors, and accepted death willingly. That’s the spirit we are called to attain:
In physical strength and fortitude one of these Bahá’ís could have withstood many of their enemies, but they accepted martyrdom in the spirit of complete resignation and nonresistance. Many of them died, crying out, “O Lord! Forgive them; they know not what they do. If they knew, they would not commit this wrong.” In the throes of martyrdom they willingly offered all they possessed in this life. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 384)
Again we see Bahiyyih Khanum as a role model for resignation:
That heavenly being [Bahiyyih Khanum] displayed throughout her life such evidence of glory and dignity, such manifestations of majesty and greatness, such a degree of patience and resignation as bewildered the minds and souls. In the midst of trials her radiant face bore the likeness of a sweet rose and in moments of sore tribulation she was resplendent as a brilliant candle. (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khanum, p. 84)
Here’s an affirmation you can use to help strengthen your resignation:
Thine is the command at all times, O Thou Who art the Lord of all names; and mine is resignation and willing submission to Thy will, O Creator of the heavens! (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 95)
The standards set by the Faith are very high, but so are the rewards:
They that yearn for the abode of the Beloved, they that circle round the sanctuary of the Desired One, are not apprehensive of trials and adversities, nor do they flee away from that which is ordained by God. They receive their portion from the ocean of resignation and drink their fill from the soft-flowing stream of His mercy. They would not surrender the good-pleasure of the Friend in exchange for the kingdom of both worlds, nor would they barter that which the Well-Beloved hath decreed in return for dominion over the realms of the infinite. They would eagerly drink the venom of woe as if it were the water of life and would drain deadly poison to its bitter dregs just as a sweet and life-giving draught. In the arid wastes of desolation they are stirred with enthusiasm through the remembrance of the Friend, and in the dreary wilds of adversity they are eager and impatient to offer themselves as a sacrifice. Unhesitatingly have they renounced their lives and directed their steps towards the abode of the Best Beloved. They have closed their eyes to the world and fixed their gaze upon the beauteous countenance of the Friend, cherishing no desire but the presence of the loved One and seeking no attainment save reunion with Him. They fly with the feathers of trust in God. and soar with the wings of adherence unto His Will. In their estimation a blood-shedding blade is more desirable than finest silk and a piercing dart more acceptable than mother’s milk. (Baha’u'llah, Fire and Light, p. 11)
In order to preserve a marriage to Dr. Jekyll, so that it lasts through all the worlds of God, the virtues needed the most (in addition to love and forgiveness) might include patience, resignation and long-suffering.
On the other hand, the Bahá’í Writings also say:
If a Bahá’í woman suffers abuse or is subjected to rape by her husband, she has the right to turn to the assembly for assistance and counsel, or to seek legal protection. Such an abuse would gravely jeopardize the continuation of the marriage, and could well lead to a condition of irreconcilable antipathy. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)
At present the prevailing method, within the Australian community, of treating domestic violence, is to advise the couple to separate and to seek treatment from professional counseling services. It is suggested that Assemblies follow this method of treating domestic violence also. If, alternatively, the couple is counseled to remain together to try and reconcile their differences, there can be no guarantee that the violence will not recur, in which case the Assembly could appear, inadvertently, to be condoning it. If the couple separate, however, the role of the Assembly can then become that of providing an independent forum within which the couple can come together and try to resolve their differences. (National Spiritual Assembly of Australia’s Policy Regarding Domestic Violence, From Australian Bahá’í Bulletin, July 1990.)
Perhaps it’s time for a year of patience. The purpose of it is to:
During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their difference, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 390)
Unfortunately most couples enter into it too late – when they have no intention of working on the marriage or the issues which led up to it falling apart.
Conclusion:
As we know, there are many seeming contradictions in the Writings. Examining them can lead to greater depth of insight and the understanding that reality is complex; some of these statements refer to different kinds of situations, or must be applied in combination. The juxtaposition of these seeming contradictions prevents us from turning the Writings into a “cookbook” with a simple recipe for every situation. These contradictions force us to engage our own minds and exercise judgment.
This quote says it nicely:
The personal transformation required for true equality will undoubtedly be difficult for men and women alike. Both must relinquish all attachment to guilt and blame and courageously assume responsibility for their own part in transforming the societies in which they live. (Baha’i International Community, 1995 Sept 13, Role of Religion in Promoting Advancement of Women)
I’m not sure it’s the individual’s job to look for justice in a marriage, as these quotes suggest:
It should be realized that there is a distinction drawn in the Faith between the attitudes which should characterize individuals in their relationship to other people, namely, loving forgiveness, forbearance, and concern with one’s own sins, not the sins of others, and those attitudes which should be shown by the Spiritual Assemblies, whose duty is to administer the law of God with Justice. (Universal House of Justice, Messages from the Universal House of Justice 1968-1973, p. 110)
Love is the standard which must govern the conduct of one believer towards another. The administrative order does not change this, but unfortunately sometimes the friends confuse the two, and try to be a whole spiritual assembly, – with the discipline and justice and impartiality that body must show, – to each other, instead of being forgiving, loving and patient to each other as individuals. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 403)
The greatest need it seems everywhere inside the Cause is to impress upon the friends the need for love among them. There is a tendency to mix up the functions of the Administration and try to apply it in individual relationships, which is abortive, because the Assembly is a nascent House of Justice and is supposed to administer, according to the Teachings, the affairs of the Community. But individuals towards each other are governed by love, unity, forgiveness and a sin-covering eye. Once the friends grasp this they will get along much better, but they keep playing Spiritual Assembly to each other and expect the Assembly to behave like an individual. (Shoghi Effendi, Directives from the Guardian, p. 41-42)
Is there hope for this marriage? I think there is. As Shoghi Effendi said:
Marriage problems are often very involved and subtle, and we Bahá’ís, being enlightened and progressive people, should not hesitate, if it seems necessary or desirable, to turn to science for help in such matters. If you and your husband talked over your problems — together or separately — with a good physician you might find that you can cure your own husband, or at least try to do so. (Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 451)
By studying, understanding and applying the guidance in this posting, I think there’s hope! What do you think? Post your comments here:
I had a call the other day from a woman whose 32 year old daughter had moved away from the family home for the first time, a year or two before. Her daughter had accused the mother of being too controlling (calling and texting her several times a day, telling her what she should do). [...]
I had a call the other day from a woman whose 32 year old daughter had moved away from the family home for the first time, a year or two before. Her daughter had accused the mother of being too controlling (calling and texting her several times a day, telling her what she should do). She was making life choices the mother disagreed with, and she wondered if I would “straighten her daughter out” for her! She’d paid for counselling for the daughter several times before and the daughter had quit because it wasn’t working for her. She hoped that this time it would be different because I was a Bahá’í! No, no, no, and no!
The first thing she had to realize is that while parents have a great responsibility for the education of their children . . .
In this New Cycle, education and training are recorded in the Book of God as obligatory and not voluntary. That is, it is enjoined upon the father and mother, as a duty, to strive with all effort to train the daughter and the son, to nurse them from the breast of knowledge and to rear them in the bosom of sciences and arts. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 398-399)
It’s the only place in the Writings I can find which actually refers to God as a “stern Lord”:
Should they neglect this matter, they shall be held responsible and worthy of reproach in the presence of the stern Lord. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 398-399)
With that being said, the parents’ role is finished once the child reaches the age of 15.
Up to the age of 15 years, children are under the direction of their parents. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 154)
From that point on, the child is responsible to God for the choices they make.
The importance of attaining spiritual maturity at the age of fifteen is that it marks that point in life at which the believer takes firmly into his own hands the responsibility for his spiritual destiny. (Universal House of Justice, Messages of the Universal House of Justice, 426.2)
We might think that our 15 year old child is not mature enough to assume this responsibility, but Shoghi Effendi tells us:
It matters not whether they mature later in one country than in another. The command of Bahá’u'lláh is universal, irrespective of any variance in the age of maturity in different countries and among different peoples. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 233)
The House of Justice gives further guidance:
As important as it is for parents to exercise their moral authority in assisting the youth not to make unwise decisions, it is also incumbent on the parents as Bahá’ís to give due consideration to the significance of the spiritual impact of the Faith upon the youth and recognize that the youth must have some latitude to respond to the stirring of their hearts and souls, since they, beginning at the age of 15, must assume serious spiritual obligations and duties and are themselves alone ultimately responsible to God for the progress of their own souls. The capacity for mature thinking on the part of youth differs from one to the other and according to age; some attain this ability earlier than others; for some it is delayed. Parents are generally in a position to judge these matters more accurately than others and must consider them in their attempt to guide the youth in their families, but the parents must strive to do so in such a way as not to stifle their children’s sense of spiritual responsibility. (The Universal House of Justice, 1992 Oct 28, Manner of Appealing to Youth)
There’s only one parental role after the age of 15, and that’s of giving consent to marriage.
It hath been laid down in the Bayan that marriage is dependent upon the consent of both parties. Desiring to establish love, unity and harmony amidst Our servants, We have conditioned it, once the couple’s wish is known, upon the permission of their parents, lest enmity and rancour should arise amongst them. (Bahá’u'lláh, Kitáb-i-Aqdas, p. 42)
Even then, the parent can’t interfere until the formal request for consent is given.
As to the question of marriage, according to the law of God: First you must select one, and then it depends on the consent of the father and mother. Before your selection they have no right of interference. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 372)
The second thing she needed to realize is that the tension between parents and children is often the catalyst the adult-child needs to break free and start their own lives. Hopefully, they will continue to make good choices after they leave home; but if the parent is too controlling, the adult-child needs to push back in order to assume their autonomy. Sometimes this can take the form of acting out – the pendulum of behavior swings from one extreme to another, before coming back to centre, several years later. It’s an important part of our spiritual growth, as the House explains, so we don’t need to be alarmed by it:
A titanic, a spiritual struggle, unparalleled in its magnitude yet unspeakably glorious in its ultimate consequences, is being waged as a result of these opposing tendencies, in this age of transition through which the organized community of the followers of Bahá’u'lláh and mankind as a whole are passing. (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 193)
We need to understand that:
Many will be the setbacks, the shocks and the disturbances, which the commotions of a convulsive age must produce; yet no force, however violent and world-wide in its range and catastrophic in its immediate consequences, can either halt these processes or deflect their appointed course. (Shoghi Effendi, Chronology of Major Letters of the Guardian)
And take comfort in the fact that it’s a privilege to guard them:
How great, then, the privilege, and how staggering the responsibility, of those who are destined to guard over them and to bring them eventually to full fruition. (Shoghi Effendi, Chronology of Major Letters of the Guardian)
And the only way we can do it, is to focus on our own development, and align ourselves with the Will of God:
Nothing short of utter, of continuous consecration to His Will and Purpose can enable them to fulfil their high destiny. (Shoghi Effendi, Chronology of Major Letters of the Guardian)
However, this can be a heartbreaking time for a parent, especially a Bahá’í parent, if we see our children doing things so far removed from the Teachings. But there is absolutely nothing we can do except pray for them, imploring God to intercede and to protect them from violent tests. Here is a prayer we can say:
O Lord! Make this youth radiant, and confer Thy bounty upon this poor creature. Bestow upon him knowledge, grant him added strength at the break of every morn and guard him within the shelter of Thy protection so that he may be freed from error, may devote himself to the service of Thy Cause, may guide the wayward, lead the hapless, free the captives and awaken the heedless, that all may be blessed with Thy remembrance and praise. Thou art the Mighty and the Powerful. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i Prayers, p. 37-38)
And then we have to be patient! This is a time in our lives when we develop patience and long-suffering! Reading books about the Greatest Holy Leaf might be helpful, since she was a real role model for a life of long-suffering!
The vesture that best befits us in this world is the vesture of patience and submission, and the most meritorious of all deeds is to commit our affairs into His hands and to surrender ourselves to His Will. Therefore, it behoves that leaf to take fast hold on the handle of resignation and radiant acquiescence and to strictly adhere to the cord of patience and long-suffering. (Bahiyyih Khanum, p. 97)
We must struggle with such promptings from within, setting our sights on the lofty example set by the Greatest Holy Leaf who, throughout a life replete with severe tests, chose not to take offence at the actions or lack of actions of other souls and, with full and radiant heart, continued to bestow on them love and encouragement. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 25 October, 1994)
Everything happens in its own proper time.
There is one season to harrow the ground, another season to scatter the seeds, still another season to irrigate the fields and still another to harvest the crop. We must attend to these various kinds of activities in their proper seasons in order to become successful. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Consultation, p. 7.)
I met a second-generation Bahá’í man at a conference one time. He was in his late 60’s. He told me that when he left home, he broke all the Bahá’í laws. He became an alcoholic, drug dealer, gambler and sex-addict. He spent over 40 years breaking his mother’s heart before he finally “hit bottom”. But he had his Bahá’í background to come back to. When he finally got clean and sober, he turned back to Baha’u'llah, and of course, was forgiven his sins, and he became an active Bahá’í from that point forward.
This isn’t an uncommon phenomenon. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá tells us:
A father and mother endure the greatest troubles and hardships for their children; and often when the children have reached the age of maturity, the parents pass on to the other world. Rarely does it happen that a father and mother in this world see the reward of the care and trouble they have undergone for their children. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 329)
The problem is compounded when children grow up in a culture different from their parents (due to immigration or pioneering). These children assimilate the values of the new culture and in fact become “a new race”. In these cases, parents must have a hundred times more consideration of the needs of their children, as Shoghi Effendi tells us:
It is difficult for the friends always to remember that in matter[s] where race enters, a hundred times more consideration and wisdom in handling situations is necessary than when an issue is not complicated by this factor. (Shoghi Effendi, Pupil of the Eye, p. 87).
As the following quote suggests, the age of maturity is highly significant:
The significance of the age of maturity, however, goes far beyond the fulfilment of responsibilities. The following extract from a Tablet of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá links the attainment of maturity with the deepening of one’s understanding and comprehension of the realities of life, and the enhancement of one’s very capacity for understanding:
Know thou that before maturity man liveth from day to day and comprehendeth only such matters as are superficial and outwardly obvious. However, when he cometh of age he understandeth the realities of things and the inner truths. Indeed, in his comprehension, his feelings, his deductions and his discoveries, every day of his life after maturity is equal to a year before it. (Universal House of Justice, Messages of the Universal House of Justice, 426.3-3a)
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could have a “rite of passage” for our children at age 15? When we formally pass off the baton of responsibility?
I wanted to create a “baton passing” activity for my son when he turned 15. During his childhood, whenever he questioned the laws, or the way I interpreted them in my parenting, I told him that it was my job to make the decisions till he reached 15 and after that it was his job. He took that comment seriously, and at age 15 he not only rejected my idea of doing something formal, he also refused to sign his card. I knew that he hadn’t connected to Baha’u'llah on his own, no matter how erudite and convincing his consultations were, so I couldn’t have accepted his card even if he had signed it. His reason was that he wasn’t ready to obey the laws. He didn’t necessarily intend to break them, but he knew he wasn’t ready to be bound by them either. And over time, he did go astray, further from the Faith than this mother would have wanted for him. And of course, I blamed myself (it’s always the mother’s fault, right?!)
In accepting the membership card, the youth affirms his belief in Bahá’u'lláh. It is important to emphasize that a Bahá’í child is not compelled to become a Bahá’í and is free to leave the Faith at any time. “If any Bahá’í finds that he does not believe in the Faith,” the Universal House of Justice has stated, “he is free to leave it . . . , and no stigma at all attaches to such an action.” (Universal House of Justice, NSA USA – Developing Distinctive Baha’i Communities)
I had to accept that the choices our children make, are not a reflection of bad parenting. Remember that most of Baha’u'llah’s and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s children became Covenant Breakers!
Baha’u'llah had 14 children: at least 7 of whom became Covenant Breakers. (See God Passes By, chapter 15.)
Of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá’s 9 children, only 4 daughters survived to adulthood and three of them became covenant breakers. (Moojan Momen, Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit: Chapter 31 of Some Answered Questions, p. 285)
And even they were assured that God would forgive them if they repented.
It is important to note that should a Covenant-breaker recognize his mistakes, become conscious of his transgressions against the Cause of God and find the urge to repent, the Centre of the Cause, when satisfied he is sincerely repentant, will forgive his past deeds and restore his credibility and status as a Bahá’í in good standing in the community. (Adib Taherzadeh, The Child of the Covenant, p. 240)
Another thing I told this mother was that her job was to detach from her daughter’s life and focus all of her energy on her own spiritual development.
Each of us is responsible for one life only, and that is our own. Each of us is immeasurably far from being ‘perfect as our heavenly Father is perfect’ and the task of perfecting our own life and character is one that requires all our attention, our will- power and energy. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 92)
I told her about the importance of turning her attention away from what her daughter was doing wrong, and concentrating all of her energy on “plowing her own field”:
If we allow our attention and energy to be taken up in efforts to keep others right and remedy their faults, we are wasting precious time. We are like ploughmen each of whom has his team to manage and his plough to direct, and in order to keep his furrow straight he must keep his eye on his goal and concentrate on his own task. If he looks to this side and that to see how Tom and Harry are getting on and to criticize their ploughing, then his own furrow will assuredly become crooked. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 92)
Finally I reminded her that her daughter would eventually marry and go through all the worlds of God with their husbands, so she should likewise focus her energy on her relationship with her husband, so that he too will be with her, through all the worlds of God.
In a true Bahá’í marriage the two parties must become fully united both spiritually and physically, so that they may attain eternal union throughout all the worlds of God, and improve the spiritual life of each other. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 372)
I ended the session with walking her through the 5 Steps of Prayer for Solving Problems, which focused on the question: What can I do to focus on my own problems instead of my daughter’s? You can find the 5 Steps of Prayer at: http://susangammage.com/thebahaiprayers/quotepage.php?Prayers%2F5+Steps+for+Solving+Problems
While she was meditating on this question, I recited a prayer revealed by Baha’u’llah in Arabic for Jinab-i-Samandar (Shaykh Kazim Samandar), the father of the Hand of the Cause of God Tarazu’llah Samandari, to assist him in making a difficult decision. If you find yourself in need of this prayer, you might want to use it too.
In regard to his affairs, let him repeat nineteen times:
O my God! Thou seest me detached from everything save Thee, clinging to Thee, to guide me in my doings in that which benefits me for the Glory of Thy Cause and the Loftiness of the state of Thy servants.
Let him then reflect upon the matter and undertake whatever cometh to mind. This vehement opposition … will indeed give way to supreme prosperity. (source unknown)
It isn’t easy to let our children go. Certainly nothing in my life prepared me for the wrenching away of my son, but the rewards of detachment are great:
Could ye apprehend with what wonders of My munificence and bounty I have willed to entrust your souls, ye would, of a truth, rid yourselves of attachment to all created things, and would gain a true knowledge of your own selves — a knowledge which is the same as the comprehension of Mine own Being. Ye would find yourselves independent of all else but Me, and would perceive, with your inner and outer eye, and as manifest as the revelation of My effulgent Name, the seas of My loving-kindness and bounty moving within you. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 326-327)
I ask God that it may become realized, and day by day, thou mayest walk more and more in the path of the Kingdom, in order that thou mayest be freed from the strangers and friends, be disengaged from attachment to the material world and be attached wholly to the divine Kingdom. At that time thou wilt behold the lights of the most great gift. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 545)
I’d like to end with a prayer to help detach from your children:
O my God, my Lord and my Master! I have detached myself from my kindred and have sought through Thee to become independent of all that dwell on earth and ever ready to receive that which is praiseworthy in Thy sight. Bestow on me such good as will make me independent of aught else but Thee, and grant me an ampler share of Thy boundless favors. Verily, Thou art the Lord of grace abounding. (The Báb, Baha’i Prayers, p. 21)
What has helped you let go of your children? Post your comments here:
The Oneness of Humanity teaches us that when one part suffers, the whole part suffers. . . . were each member to be subjected to any injury or were it to become diseased, all the other members would sympathetically suffer, due to the existence of their perfect unity. (Compilations, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 280) We can [...]
The Oneness of Humanity teaches us that when one part suffers, the whole part suffers.
. . . were each member to be subjected to any injury or were it to become diseased, all the other members would sympathetically suffer, due to the existence of their perfect unity. (Compilations, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 280)
We can turn to each other in times of suffering:
. . . the human body, all the members of which are connected and linked with one another with the greatest strength. How much the organs, the members and the parts of the body of man are intermingled and connected for mutual aid and help, and how much they influence one another! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 244)
It doesn’t mean that we (as Bahá’ís) have to stand by and watch helplessly. We can take some comfort in knowing that there are things we can do:
Our duty as Bahá’ís is to build up such a love and unity within our own ranks that the people will be attracted by this example to the Cause. We also must teach all we can and strengthen the Bahá’í Community in the administration. But more we cannot do to avert the great sufferings which seemingly still lie ahead of the world in its present evil state. ( Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113)
There is a power in drawing on each other’s love when we are suffering:
Indeed the believers have not yet fully learned to draw on each other’s love for strength and consolation in time of need. The Cause of God is endowed with tremendous powers, and the reason the believers do not gain more from it is because they have not learned to fully draw on these mighty forces of love and strength and harmony generated by the Faith . . . (Shoghi Effendi, Living the Life, p. 8).
One of the purposes of a study circle is to build a depth of relationships where we can carry each other’s burdens.
A distinguishing feature of study circles is that . . . they have created a new dynamic within the community and have become nuclei of community life and . . . bind the group together in fellowship. (International Teaching Centre, 2000 Feb, Training Institutes and Systematic Growth, p. 7)
So we have an obligation to help one another, and one way we can do it is through home visits and visiting the sick:
We should all visit the sick. When they are in sorrow and suffering, it is a real help and benefit to have a friend come. Happiness is a great healer to those who are ill. In the East it is the custom to call upon the patient often and meet him individually. The people in the East show the utmost kindness and compassion to the sick and suffering. This has greater effect than the remedy itself. You must always have this thought of love and affection when you visit the ailing and afflicted. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 204).
In the midst of our suffering, when people don’t know how to help, they might say things we think are trite, to help us through:
Even when we think these don’t bring comfort in our darkest moments, the words of God have a power to heal:
Now, if thou wishest to know the divine remedy which will heal man from all sickness and will give him the health of the divine kingdom, know that it is the precepts and teachings of God. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 376)
The people of religions find, in the teachings of His Holiness Bahá’u'lláh, . . the immediate cure of the incurable disease, which relieves every pain and bestows the infallible antidote for every deadly poison. (Compilations, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 416)
By understanding someone’s pain, we don’t need to say trite things; we can just “be” with them.
How else can we help others who are suffering? Post your comments here:
For more in this series:
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Role of Free Will and Suffering
Misconceptions about Suffering
What Good Can Come From Suffering?
How Should We Respond To Suffering
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
We’re told to rejoice – a mental discipline that can be very difficult to achieve. When calamity striketh, be ye patient and composed. However afflictive your sufferings may be, stay ye undisturbed, and with perfect confidence in the abounding grace of God, brave ye the tempest of tribulations and fiery ordeals. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the [...]
We’re told to rejoice – a mental discipline that can be very difficult to achieve.
When calamity striketh, be ye patient and composed. However afflictive your sufferings may be, stay ye undisturbed, and with perfect confidence in the abounding grace of God, brave ye the tempest of tribulations and fiery ordeals. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 73)
Grieve not at the divine trials. Be not troubled because of hardships and ordeals; turn unto God, bowing in humbleness and praying to Him, while bearing every ordeal, contented under all conditions and thankful in every difficulty. Verily thy Lord loveth His maidservants who are patient, believing and firm. He draws them nigh unto Him through these ordeals and trials. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 50)
We need to cling to this thought in tough times:
If, however, for a few days, in compliance with God’s all-encompassing wisdom, outward affairs should run their course contrary to one’s cherished desire, this is of no consequence and should not matter. Our intent is that all the friends should fix their gaze on the Supreme Horizon, and cling to that which hath been revealed in the Tablets. (Bahá’u'lláh, Fire and Light, p. 10)
We’re told to:
Remember My days during thy days, and My distress and banishment in this remote prison. (Bahá’u'lláh, Tablet of Ahmad, Baha’i Prayers, p. 210)
Bahá’u'lláh was:
Wrongly accused, imprisoned, beaten, chained, banished from country to country, betrayed, poisoned, stripped of material possessions, and “at every moment tormented with a fresh torment” . . . For two score [40] years, until the end of His earthly days, He remained a prisoner and exile . . . [and experienced such] grief no ordinary mortal could endure. But lest we give way to feelings of gloom and distress, we take recourse in the tranquil calm He induces with such meaningful words as these: “We have borne it all with the utmost willingness and resignation, so that the souls of men may be edified, and the Word of God be exalted. (The Universal House of Justice, A Wider Horizon, Selected Letters 1983-1992, p. 239-240)
And while we’re remembering His days, we can join with Him in His suffering, and trust these words:
Now ye, as well, must certainly become my partners to some slight degree, and accept your share of tests and sorrows. But these episodes shall pass away, while that abiding glory and eternal life shall remain unchanged forever. Moreover, these afflictions shall be the cause of great advancement. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 238-239)
He’s given us a prayer to use (The Tablet of Ahmad), in which He promises:
Should one who is in affliction or grief read this Tablet with absolute sincerity, God will dispel his sadness, solve his difficulties and remove his afflictions. (Bahá’u'lláh, Tablet of Ahmad, Baha’i Prayers, p. 211)
And in the meantime, we can finish with a prayer:
I ask God to grant thee by His favor and grace that which is thy utmost desire; that the closed doors become opened, the uneven roads become even, thy face shine by the love of God, thy sight become brighter by witnessing the signs of God; that thou mayest attain spiritual joy, eternal happiness and heavenly life. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 129-130)
How else can we respond to suffering? Post your comments here:
For more in this series:
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Role of Free Will and Suffering
Misconceptions about Suffering
What Good Can Come From Suffering?
How Can We Help Someone Who is Suffering?
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
It can be hard to accept that God causes the bad things to happen, but in a way it’s comforting too: Through suffering he will attain to an eternal happiness which nothing can take from him. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 178) ‘Abdul-Bahá promises there’s light at the end of our suffering: But the end of [...]
It can be hard to accept that God causes the bad things to happen, but in a way it’s comforting too:
Through suffering he will attain to an eternal happiness which nothing can take from him. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 178)
‘Abdul-Bahá promises there’s light at the end of our suffering:
But the end of all these is bliss, overflowing joy, everlasting exultation, happiness and supreme contentment. It is eternal life, never ending glory, a lordly gift and divine sovereignty! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 547)
God promises that even the suffering of children will be compensated:
As to the subject of babes and infants and weak ones who are afflicted by the hands of oppressors: this contains great wisdom and this subject is of paramount importance. In brief, for those souls there is a recompense in another world and many details are connected with this matter. For those souls that suffering is the greatest mercy of God. Verily that mercy of the Lord is far better and preferable to all the comfort of this world and the growth and development of this place of mortality. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í World Faith, p. 372).
With regard to the spiritual significance of the suffering of chil¬dren ‘who are afflicted at the hands of the oppressor’, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá . . . also explains that to be a recipient of God’s mercy is ‘preferable to a hundred thousand earthly comforts’, and He promised that ‘in the world to come a mighty recompense awaiteth such souls’. Much, indeed, might be said upon this theme, and upon how the af¬flictions that they bear in life become the cause for them of such an outpouring of Divine mercy and bestowal as is preferable to a hun¬dred thousand comforts and to a world of growth and development in this transitory abode. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 2 December, 1985).
God knows that we need suffering for the perfection of our souls, which is the purpose of our lives.
In this world he must prepare himself for the life beyond. That which he needs in the world of the Kingdom must be obtained here. Just as he prepared himself in the world of the matrix by acquir¬ing forces necessary in this sphere of existence, so, likewise, the indis¬pensable forces of the divine existence must be potentially attained in this world . . . By what means can man acquire these things? . . . through self-sacrifice [and] . . . through severance from this world. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 226)
God uses suffering to build our characters. He wants us to trust Him, which is easy to do when things are going well, but not so easy when our lives are in chaos. It’s easy to obey God when we’re not being tempted, but when things get hard, it’s a lot harder:
It is easy to approach the Kingdom of Heaven, but hard to stand firm and staunch within it, for the tests are rigorous, and heavy to bear. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 274)
In every human being, there are two opposing forces. Our higher nature wants us to progress and our lower nature wants us to regress. Some people grow in faith through tests, while others lose their faith.
The souls who bear the tests of God become the manifestations of great bounties; for the divine trials cause some souls to become entirely lifeless, while they cause the holy souls to ascend to the highest degree of love and solidity. They cause progress and they also cause retrogression. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 324)
God wants us to develop perseverance through our trials. For example, if you plant a lawn and you want it to be green and healthy, you start out by watering the seeds, but once they take root, you have to deny them water in order for it to reach its roots down deep looking for it and becoming stronger. Otherwise, the roots will be too shallow to last long. By allowing us to face our hardships God helps us develop spiritual qualities:
If adversity befall thee not in My path, how canst thou walk in the ways of them that are content with My pleasure? If trials afflict thee not in thy longing to meet Me, how wilt thou attain the light in thy love for My beauty? (Baha’u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words 50)
If you see people who’ve gone through hard times, you’ll see a lot of depth there, which is attractive. I think God wants us to learn empathy: He comforts us in our troubles so that we can comfort others. If we haven’t gone through a hard time, we can’t relate to others going through the same test. Perhaps this is why Bahá’u'lláh says:
. . . the wisdom of every command shall be tested. (Bahá’u'lláh, Tablet of Ahmad, Baha’i Prayers, p. 208)
God wants us to grow closer to others, so that we can grow together through adversity. We can have pity on those who fall and have no one to pick them up. In our society, relationships have become very shallow, and men especially have no close friends. We value our independence and don’t know what it is to lean on other people in times of need:
Indeed the believers have not yet fully learned to draw on each other’s love for strength and consolation in time of need. The Cause of God is endowed with tremendous powers, and the reason the believers do not gain more from it is because they have not learned to fully draw on these mighty forces of love and strength and harmony generated by the Faith . . . (Shoghi Effendi, Living the Life, p. 8).
God wants us to learn to rely on each other, so He uses trouble to help us draw closer together in interdependence.
God wants us to draw closer to Him. When we feel close, that’s a high point in our lives. He uses the hard times to draw us closer, even though it feels like He’s abandoned us, as the poem “Footprints” suggests:
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky. In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand. Sometimes there were two sets of footprints, other times there were one set of footprints. This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life, when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow or defeat, I could see only one set of footprints. So I said to the Lord, “You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?” The Lord replied, “The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you.” (Copyright © 1984 Mary Stevenson, from original 1936 text)
Can you think of other things that can come from suffering? Post your comments here:
For more in this series:
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Role of Free Will and Suffering
Misconceptions about Suffering
How Should We Respond To Suffering
How Can We Help Someone Who is Suffering
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
Some people suggest that God wants us to have a comfortable life where we are “healthy, wealthy and wise”, and by this they mean a material life of comfort. Maybe you recognize this thought: ”if only I do the right things, God will treat me right”, but this isn’t how God works. I think He [...]
Some people suggest that God wants us to have a comfortable life where we are “healthy, wealthy and wise”, and by this they mean a material life of comfort. Maybe you recognize this thought: ”if only I do the right things, God will treat me right”, but this isn’t how God works. I think He wants us to be spiritually “healthy, wealthy and wise”, and this is where suffering comes in.
Suffering, of one kind or another, seems to be the portion of man in this world. Even the Beloved ones, the Prophets of God, have never been exempt from the ills that are to be found in our world; poverty, disease, bereavement, -they seem to be part of the polish God employs to make us finer, and enable us to reflect more of His attributes! (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 603-604)
Other people think the safest place to be is inside the Will of God, but this too is not true. Bahá’u'lláh was certainly inside God’s Will, and He was beaten, tortured, rejected by His own family members and spent the majority of His life in prison. Who would want that life?
The Prophets and saints were, each and every one, subjected to the bitterest afflictions that the world has to offer, and were targets for all the cruelties and aggressions of mankind. They sacrificed their lives for the welfare of the people, and with all their hearts they hastened to the place of their martyrdom; and with their inward and outward perfections they arrayed humanity in new garments of excellent qualities, both acquired and inborn. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 34-35)
Some people think that just by becoming Bahá’í, they are somehow exempt, but we’re told:
Thou knowest that the people are encircled with pain and calamities and are environed with hardships and trouble. Every trial doth attack man and every dire adversity doth assail him like unto the assault of a serpent. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 619)
Other people think we suffer because of sins in past lives:
All mankind is suffering in this earthly world; there is no one in such tranquility that this (state) might have been a reward for his good deeds in a former life. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 643)
What other misconceptions can you think of? Post your comments here:
For more in this series:
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Role of Free Will and Suffering
What Good Can Come From Suffering?
How Should We Respond To Suffering
How Can We Help Someone Who is Suffering
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
God has given us free will, and throughout history, mankind has used it badly, but God won’t step in and intervene. God in His justice gives His creatures the opportunity to carry out their duties without His interference; they have free will to behave as they please. Of course, He has full knowledge of how [...]
God has given us free will, and throughout history, mankind has used it badly, but God won’t step in and intervene.
God in His justice gives His creatures the opportunity to carry out their duties without His interference; they have free will to behave as they please. Of course, He has full knowledge of how each individual will behave in discharging the obligations which the Covenant of Bahá’u'lláh has placed on him but He leaves the person free to play his part and He does not judge him before he commits an error. This is similar to the relationship between a teacher and pupil. In the course of teaching his students the teacher usually comes to know the ability and capacity of each one. Suppose that he finds one of his pupils to be inattentive to his work and negligent in his school duties. He may be certain that his pupil is going to fail his examinations but foreknowledge of that failure does not entitle the teacher to prevent the student from taking part. It is the student’s prerogative to sit his examinations and no one has the right to deprive him of that privilege. (Adib Taherzadeh, The Child of the Covenant, p. 258)
He won’t stop someone from acting in a certain way, but He is with us at all times:
In all the action or inaction of man, he receives power from the help of God; but the choice of good or evil belongs to the man himself. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 249)
For example, if we all had cushy lives, everyone would be Bahá’í, but no one would have come to the Faith through an act of faith.
While the Manifestations of God all shine with the splendours of God’s Revelation, they can reveal themselves in only two ways. The first is to appear in their naked glory. Should this happen, all human beings would witness their awesome power, would bow before their majesty and would submit their will entirely to God’s Viceregent on earth. People would thus become puppets of God and lose their free will; all would follow the path of truth, not by their own volition but by capitulating to the irresistible power of the Manifestation of God. By the force of God’s command, all would obey His teachings and would live a goodly life; no one would have the choice to be different. The Covenant of God would become meaningless because if there were no free will, how could human beings observe the laws of the Covenant? Should the Manifestation of God appear in this way and expose His august attributes to the generality of mankind, people would be devoid of the power of creativity, becoming creatures whose actions were controlled from a higher realm. The principles of justice and of reward and punishment would then become inoperative in society. (Adib Taherzadeh, The Child of the Covenant, p. 17)
We may think we know what’s best for us and how to get it, but God’s plan is bigger than anything we can imagine. It’s for the redemption of the entire human race.
We are told by Shoghi Effendi that two great processes are at work in the world: the great Plan of God, tumultuous in its progress, working through mankind as a whole, tearing down barriers to world unity and forging humankind into a unified body in the fires of suffering and experience. This process will produce, in God s due time, the Lesser Peace, the political unification of the world. (Universal House of Justice, Wellspring of Guidance, p. 133-34)
It’s easy to see what other people “should” do, but we can’t “make” them do anything:
There is, unfortunately, no way that one can force his own good upon a man. The element of free will is there, and all we believers — and even the Manifestation of God Himself — can do is to offer the truth to mankind. If the people of the world persist, as they seem to be doing, in their blind materialism, they must bear the consequences in a prolongation of their present condition, and even a worsening of it. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113)
This doesn’t mean God has abandoned us to our own selves. He’s always standing ready to help, but we have to make the choice:
In all the action or inaction of man, he receives power from the help of God; but the choice of good or evil belongs to the man himself. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 249)
For more in this series:
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Misconceptions about Suffering
What Good Can Come From Suffering?
How Should We Respond To Suffering
How Can We Help Someone Who is Suffering
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
Why do bad things happen to good people? It’s the perennial question! God promises we will be persecuted, and we will suffer. Certainly there existeth troubles, trials, afflictions, persecution, censure and contempt. When thou didst occupy thy time in the past to give out religious exhortations and advices, thou experienced some persecutions and trouble. But [...]
Why do bad things happen to good people? It’s the perennial question!
God promises we will be persecuted, and we will suffer.
Certainly there existeth troubles, trials, afflictions, persecution, censure and contempt. When thou didst occupy thy time in the past to give out religious exhortations and advices, thou experienced some persecutions and trouble. But thou canst not realize in this present moment what great ordeals are in store and what unbearable calamities, affliction and adversity exist. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 547)
Although we won’t ever understand God’s ways . . . :
God’s wisdom is, indeed, inscrutable to us all, and it is no use pushing too far trying to discover that which shall always remain a mystery to our mind. (Shoghi Effendi, Unfolding Destiny, p. 434)
He want us to trust that whatever His reasons, He has a plan. He’s in charge, and He has our best interests at heart.
No matter what happens, nothing is as important as our feeling of trust in God, our inner peacefulness and faith that all, in the end, in spite of the severity of the ordeals we may pass through will come out as Bahá’u'lláh has promised. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 237)
The question we often ask when we see suffering is “Why do bad things happen to good people?” But God does not discriminate. Bad things happen to all people for two reasons:
The trials of man are of two kinds. (a) The consequences of his own actions. If a man eats too much, he ruins his digestion; if he takes poison he becomes ill or dies. If a person gambles he will lose his money; if he drinks too much he will lose his equilibrium. All these sufferings are caused by the man himself, it is quite clear therefore that certain sorrows are the result of our own deeds. (b) Other sufferings there are, which come upon the Faithful of God. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 49-50)
Asking “Why” doesn’t bring peace. It’s not the right question to ask. For example, if you crash your car, asking “why” might provide an illuminating answer, but the better question would be “what am I going to do now?” So in our suffering, we can ask “What does God want me to do so He can redeem the pain?”
We need to accept that suffering is a part of life. Sometimes good things happen to bad people, and sometimes bad things happen to good people. If something bad happens to us, it might mean that God is punishing us but it doesn’t mean that He loves us less, or that He’s caused it.
That [ordeals, adversities and tribulations] . . . which is for punishment of deeds is severe retribution. The father and the teacher sometimes show tenderness towards the children and at other times deal harshly with them. Such severity is for educational purposes; it is true tenderness and absolute bounty and grace Although in appearance it is wrath, in reality it is kindness. Although outwardly it is an ordeal, inwardly it is a cooling draught. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Divine Art of Living, p. 85)
God promises that in all things He will be with us:
O maid-servant of God! Verily, I have not forgotten thee and will not forget thee. Trust thou in the love of Abdul-Bahá, for verily, nothing equals it. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 201)
For more in this series:
Role of Free Will and Suffering
Misconceptions about Suffering
What Good Can Come From Suffering?
How Should We Respond To Suffering
How Can We Help Someone Who is Suffering
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
This 7 part series was inspired by a talk given by Jeremy McClung, pastor of Muskoka Community Church God tells us we must go through many trials in the Path of God: I know that thou art in difficulty, but this difficulty is conducive to the everlasting felicity and this weakness is followed by the [...]
This 7 part series was inspired by a talk given by Jeremy McClung, pastor of Muskoka Community Church
God tells us we must go through many trials in the Path of God:
I know that thou art in difficulty, but this difficulty is conducive to the everlasting felicity and this weakness is followed by the supreme strength. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 264-265)
Yes, we will have good times, but they will always be followed by bad and vice versa:
Be not troubled in poverty nor confident in riches, for poverty is followed by riches, and riches are followed by poverty. (Baha’u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words 51)
So we shouldn’t attach too much importance to either:
Should prosperity befall thee, rejoice not, and should abasement come upon thee, grieve not, for both shall pass away and be no more. (Baha’u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words 52)
If you’re going through sad times now, you’ll go through good times again, as we’re promised:
Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 329)
God hears our cries for help, and has promised never to forsake us:
God never forsakes His children who strive and work and pray! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 30)
Even though it might seem like He has:
God, the Vigilant, the Just, the Loving, the All-Wise . . . will [not] be willing to abandon His children to their fate. (Shoghi Effendi, The Promised Day is Come, p. 4-5)
Have you ever tried to escape suffering? How do these quotes give you another perspective?
For more in this series:
Why do Bad Things Happen to Good People?
Role of Free Will and Suffering
Misconceptions about Suffering
What Good Can Come From Suffering?
How Should We Respond To Suffering
How Can We Help Someone Who is Suffering
And previous blog postings on the same topic:
Why Does Life Have to Hurt So Much?
Suffering is Not Optional, But We Can Change How Long We Stay Stuck:
I know in the midst of suffering, it’s hard to hear God’s truth. We learned to use the drug of self-pity as children, but it doesn’t work well now that we’re adults, which is why, through the Baha’i Writings, God gives us so many wonderful quotes to help us understand what’s real and what’s not. [...]
I know in the midst of suffering, it’s hard to hear God’s truth. We learned to use the drug of self-pity as children, but it doesn’t work well now that we’re adults, which is why, through the Baha’i Writings, God gives us so many wonderful quotes to help us understand what’s real and what’s not.
First of all, suffering doesn’t come from God. It comes from faulty thought processes arising from our lower natures. God understands that we will suffer and He’s taught us how to overcome it. As children we didn’t know we had a higher nature to reach for, but as Bahá’ís we know that:
If we suffer it is the outcome of material things, and all the trials and troubles come from this world of illusion. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 109)
In the case of those experiencing frustration with the justice system, the world of illusion suggests that:
But all of these are lies. How do I know? Because they aren’t supported by the Bahá’í Writings, which is the only standard we can trust. So if we don’t want to suffer, we need to recognize that it’s our thoughts causing the problem; search out the Truth; and change the thoughts.
God’s given us suffering for the perfection of our souls:
Someone asked:
‘Does the soul progress more through sorrow or through the joy in this world?’
And ‘Abdu’l-Bahá answered:
‘The mind and spirit of man advance when he is tried by suffering. The more the ground is ploughed the better the seed will grow, the better the harvest will be. Just as the plough furrows the earth deeply, purifying it of weeds and thistles, so suffering and tribulation free man from the petty affairs of this worldly life until he arrives at a state of complete detachment. His attitude in this world will be that of divine happiness. Man is, so to speak, unripe: the heat of the fire of suffering will mature him. Look back to the times past and you will find that the greatest men have suffered most.’ (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 178)
And how we handle it will either keep us stuck in the prison of self, or help raise us up to a joy that no earthly power can ever take from us:
Our willingness to suffer is part of our demonstration of love for all mankind. Along with it, however, we must also be able to develop the spiritual muse not to dwell on our suffering but to turn our attention away to the great and many sources of our joy. For it is in God that we place our confidence, it is the life processes which the Faith has set in motion which we trust, knowing that it takes time and includes many setbacks. (Compilations, Quickeners of Mankind, p. 121)
So please choose faith over fear, and “rise then unto that for which thou wast created”. (Baha’u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words 22)
By Susan Gammage, Bahá’í Life Coach Why does life have to hurt so much? This is a question I often hear in my Bahá’í-inspired life coaching practice. The Bahá’í Writings tell us: Suffering is both a reminder and a guide. It stimulates us better to adapt ourselves to our environmental conditions, and thus leads the [...]
By Susan Gammage, Bahá’í Life Coach
Why does life have to hurt so much? This is a question I often hear in my Bahá’í-inspired life coaching practice. The Bahá’í Writings tell us:
Suffering is both a reminder and a guide. It stimulates us better to adapt ourselves to our environmental conditions, and thus leads the way to self improvement. In every suffering one can find a meaning and a wisdom. But it is not always easy to find the secret of that wisdom. It is sometimes only when all our suffering has passed that we become aware of its usefulness. What man considers to be evil turns often to be a cause of infinite blessings. (Shoghi Effendi, Unfolding Destiny, p. 434.)
Here is a story that came in my email today, followed by my all time favorite story. I hope they give you comfort.
A Refiner of Silver
Malachi 3:3 says: “He shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver”. This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she thought again about the verse that says: “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.” She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.
The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?”
He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy — when I see my image in it.”
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
Another quote from the Bahá’í Writings:
You are encouraged to continue to keep in mind the spiritual dimension of your struggles. We are assured by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in the following words: “The more difficulties one sees in the world the more perfect one becomes. The more you plough and dig the ground the more fertile it becomes. The more you cut the branches of a tree the higher and stronger it grows. The more you put the gold in the fire the purer it becomes. The more you sharpen the steel by grinding the better it cuts. Therefore, the more sorrows one sees the more perfect one be¬comes. That is why, in all times, the Prophets of God have had tribula¬tions and difficulties to withstand. The more often the captain of a ship is in the tempest and difficult sailing the greater his knowledge be¬comes. Therefore I am happy that you have had great tribulations and difficulties… Strange it is that I love you and still I am happy that you have sorrows.” (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Star of the West, Vol. XIV, No. 2, p. 41.)
Just Clay!
Author Unknown – submitted by Daryoush Yazdani, Japan
A couple vacationing in Europe went strolling down a little street and saw a quaint little gift shop with a beautiful teacup in the window. The lady collected teacups and she wanted this one for her collection, so she went
inside to pick up the teacup, and as the story goes the teacup spoke and said:
“I want you to know that I have not always looked like this. It took the process of pain to bring me to this point. You see, there was a time when I was just clay and the master came and he pounded me and he squeezed me and he kneaded me and I screamed: “STOP THAT”. But he just smiled and he said, “Not yet”.
Then he took me and put me on the wheel and I went round and round and round and round … and while I was spinning and getting dizzier and dizzier I screamed again and I said, “Please get me off this thing … please get me off!!!” And the master was looking at me and he was smiling, as he said, “Not yet”.
Then he took me and walked toward the oven and he shut the door and turned up the heat and I could see him through the window of the oven and it was getting hotter and hotter and I thought, “He’s going to burn me to death”.
And I started pounding on the inside of the oven and I said “Master, let me out, let me out, let me out”, and I could see that he was smiling as he said “Not yet”.
Then he opened the door and I was fresh and free and he took me out of the oven and he put me on the table and then he got some paint and a paintbrush. And he started dabbing me and making swirls all over me and I started to gag and I said: “Master, stop it … stop it … stop it please … you’re making me gag” and he just smiled as he said “Not yet”.
Then very gently he picked me up again and he started walking toward the oven and I said, “Master, NO! Not again, pleeeeease”. He opened the oven door and he slipped me inside and he shut the door and this time he turned the heat up twice as hot as before and I thought. “He’s going to kill me”, and I looked through the window of the oven and I started to pound saying, “Master … Master, please let me out … please let me out … let me out… let me out”. And I could see that he was smiling, but I also noticed a tear trickle down his cheek as I watched him mouth the words.
“Not yet!”
Just as I thought I was about to die, the door opened and he reached in ever so gently and took me out, fresh and free and he went and placed me on a high shelf and he said: “There, I have created what I intended. Would you like to see yourself?” I said “Yes”, so he handed me a mirror and I looked and I looked again and I said, “That’s not me, I’m just a lump of clay” And he said: “Yes, that IS you, but it took the process of pain to bring you to this place. “You see, had I not worked you when you were clay, then you would have dried up. If I had not subjected you to the
stress of the wheel, you would have crumbled. If I had not put you into the heat of the oven you would have cracked. If I had not painted you there would be no color in your life. But, it was the second oven that gave you the strength to endure. And now you are everything that I intended you to be – from the beginning.”
And I, the tea cup, heard myself saying something I never thought I would hear myself saying: “Master, forgive me, I did not trust you, I thought you were going to harm me, I did not know you had a glorious future and a hope for me. I was too shortsighted, but I want to thank you. I want to thank you for suffering. I want to thank you for the process of pain. Here I am! I give you myself – fill me, pour from me, use me as you see fit. I really want to be a vessel that brings you glory within my life”
I’d like to conclude with a quote from the Bahá’í Writings:
Naturally there will be periods of distress and difficulty, and even severe tests; but if the person turns firmly towards the Divine Manifestation, studies carefully His spiritual teachings and receives the blessings of the Holy Spirit, he will find that in reality these tests and difficulties have been the gifts of God to enable him to grow and develop.
Thus you might look upon your own difficulties in the path of service. They are the means of your spirit growing and developing. You will suddenly find that you have conquered many of the problems which upset you, and then you will wonder why they should have troubled you at all. (Shoghi Effendi, Living the Life, pp. 35-36.)
What are your experiences with painful tests? Post your comments here: