Put the Glass Down By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’…. The students answered, “I really don’t [...]
Put the Glass Down
By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich
http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm
Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’….
The students answered, “I really don’t know unless I weigh it.”
The professor said, ‘now, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?’
‘Nothing’ the students said.
“OK what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?” the professor asked.
“Your arm would begin to ache” said one of the students.
“You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”
“Your arm could go numb; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis; have to go to hospital for sure! Ventured another student”, all the students laughed.
“Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?” Asked the professor.
“No” was the reply of all the students.
“Then what caused the arm to ache; the muscle to stress?” After a pause the professor asked “Before my arm ache, what should I do?”
The students were puzzled.
“Put the glass down!” said one of the students.
“Exactly!” said the professor, “Life’s problems are exactly like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK. Think of them for a long time; they begin to ache. Hold it even longer; they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.”
It’s important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to ‘put them down’ at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh; strong; can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!
Remember to put the glass down everyday!
Recently I was listening to a podcast on our relationship to money by my favorite minister, Jeremy McClung of the Muskoka Community Church, which left me asking the question: When is enough, enough? This is an important question to ask especially at this season of excess we call Christmas. In his talk, Jeremy handed out [...]
Recently I was listening to a podcast on our relationship to money by my favorite minister, Jeremy McClung of the Muskoka Community Church, which left me asking the question: When is enough, enough? This is an important question to ask especially at this season of excess we call Christmas.
In his talk, Jeremy handed out index cards and asked us to write “stuff I have” on one side and to write “stuff I want” on the other. We were to make a detailed list of everything we own (land, cars, houses, clothes, electronics, appliances, toys etc).
What surprised me was how much was on my “want” side! Even though I have everything I need, and more, the list of what I wanted was longer than the list of what I owned. This was profound! I urge you to take out a sheet of paper right now and do this exercise for yourself.
My income comes from a small disability pension, supplemented by some paid work, and I live in a small one bedroom apartment in a “geared to income” building. Some people look at my lifestyle and long for me to be better off financially, and sometimes I wonder if they’re right. On the one hand, the Bahá’í Writings say:
Having attained the stage of fulfilment and reached his maturity, man standeth in need of wealth, and such wealth as he acquireth through crafts or professions is commendable and praiseworthy in the estimation of men of wisdom. (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 437)
My well-wishers see the transformative path I’ve been on for the past couple of decades, and how far I’ve come in ridding myself of the anxiety and depression that robbed me of my life, and they think it’s time for me to get back into the “real world” and get paid for all the work I do.
I ask myself: can I make a living doing all the things I do, so that I can get off my disability pension? For years, I took the following Writing to heart, and tried to apply it.
The best of men are they that earn a livelihood by their calling. (Baha’u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words, 82)
Working in corrupt work places just made me sicker.
Now, this quotes shows how I long to live my life:
Thou hast asked regarding the means of livelihood. Trust in God and engage in your work and practice economy; the confirmations of God shall descend and you will be enabled to pay off your debts. Be ye occupied always with the mention of Bahá’u'lláh and seek ye no other hope and desire save Him. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 375)
Through quotes like this I’ve come to realize that my job is to take care of the work and God’s job is to take care of the money. It doesn’t say “paid work”, and God’s way of taking care of the money doesn’t always come from a paycheque! I have been taken care of in ways I couldn’t have imagined (from soup kitchens and food banks that treat me as a “guest”; to random strangers sending me money in the mail; to finding ways to barter; to people giving me clothes and yes, even from some paid employment. I have more than enough, and I am grateful.
The question is: do you want to live like that? It will mean a lifestyle very unlike the ones you’ve had to date.
Have you heard about the Peace Pilgrim? She’s one of my heroines. When she was in her mid-40’s, she decided to walk across the United States, and continued to do so for 28 years, to talk to people about the importance of peace. All she had were the clothes on her back; a smock with a pencil and a small pad of paper; a comb and toothbrush, and that was it. She had no organizational backing, carried no money, and would not even ask for food or shelter. She travelled in the south during the winter and the north during the summer. She had absolutely nothing – no means to support herself except total reliance on God. She said in all the years she did it, there were only 3 days in a row where she didn’t have anything to eat or anywhere to sleep. Every single other day, people would feed her and/or invite her to spend the night. One time she was walking in a freak snow storm. It was so snowy that she couldn’t see 5 feet in front of her, so she walked down an embankment to huddle under a bridge, out of the blinding snow, and there she found a fridge-size cardboard box, with a blanket and pillow in it! Without a word of a lie! God took care of her every need, even before she knew she had it. Click here to read reviews about her biography.
I found her total detachment really inspiring! Since then I’ve had many glimmers of how this works in my own life, which is “poor” by many people’s standards, and yet, I have had a rich and full life; totally blessed, to be able to do the work I love.
In terms of acquiring wealth, the Bahá’í Writings also say:
In earthly riches fear is hidden and peril is concealed. (Baha’u'llah, Tablets of Baha’u'llah, p. 219)
There’s a great story which illustrates the principle that the best possible life is not by having more stuff, but by letting go.
‘Abdu’l-Bahá told a story about a Persian believer’s journeys and how he could not sleep at night while in the wilderness for fear of someone stealing his new shirt, a new gift from a prominent person. After several sleepless nights he decided to get rid of the shirt so he could relax. (Rafati, Vahid, Sources of Persian Poetry in the Baha’i Writings, Vol. lll, p. 80)
I understand what this means! One time I had so many journals filled with insights about my childhood and all that I’d suffered and how it made me the person I was. I was attached to these journals and longed for my son to read them someday, to know who I was. I was so afraid that they would get ruined in a flood or fire that I was actually contemplating buying metal boxes to put them in to keep them safe! I realized the folly of this thinking, and because I was soon going on pilgrimage and wanted to empty myself before I went, I threw them all into the garbage dump (where they belonged!) instead.
Another time I was going out with someone who lived in a small village where everyone knew everyone else. He was in fear that someone would steal his antiques and was considering buying an alarm system for the house. I couldn’t imagine living with so much fear and suspicion. It would be different if he was in downtown Detroit, but the crime rate in this village was next to nothing. Surely it would be better to live with just enough, than to live in fear all the time!
When you move, you find out how much stuff you have; and how much you want. When I was pioneering to Labrador, I took this quote seriously:
Reliance on God is indeed the strongest and safest weapon which the Bahá’í teacher can carry. (Shoghi Effendi, Power of Divine Assistance, p. 221).
What this meant to me was that I was to go with total reliance on God, trusting Him to meet all my needs, just as the Peace Pilgrim had. I sold or gave away just about all of my worldly goods. I arrived in Labrador City with 2 cats and 2 suitcases; one suitcase was filled with cat supplies and the other had my clothes; a sleeping bag and inflatable air mattress; a pot, pan, and dishes and cutlery for 2 (so I could invite someone over for a meal). I had enough! I had everything I needed to live quite comfortably. I got a 3 bedroom unfurnished apartment (which was easier to find than a 1 bedroom); and could have lived with so little forever! Unfortunately our culture demands a certain lifestyle, though, and within 6 months I had that apartment filled with furniture and kitchen supplies (mostly acquired through yard sales and moving sales). When is enough, enough? I had enough, but I wanted more. I wanted to look like everyone else, but I didn’t need any of it.
Most of our “stuff” makes our lives easier or better in some ways. What we fail to realize is that much of it also takes something from us in terms of storage, cleaning, repairs and maintenance. It’s not a wonder how stressed we feel! Houses are a good example. When we buy our first house, we have to furnish it; and then buy all the tools to maintain it (ladders, lawn mowers, snow blowers etc. The list is endless!). When I was a home owner, I was always caught unprepared when the roof leaked, or the furnace needed replacing or when the tiles fell off the bathroom walls. I couldn’t afford the repairs and didn’t know where the money was going to come from. Needless to say, it went on the credit card, and then I was so far in debt, I nearly faced bankruptcy more than once. Now I live in an apartment and all the energy I used to spend on mowing lawns and maintaining gardens and shovelling snow, can be used in service to others; and all the money I save in not having to maintain a home has gone into paying off my debts so I can live debt free. It’s a much simpler lifestyle and has freed me up both financially and emotionally.
Have you ever wondered why people in cultures where they have nothing, seem so much happier? It’s because the more stuff we have, the more stress we have. I think it’s why we love to go camping. We take everything we need with us, and leave the rest behind. Most Canadians take more stuff camping than most of the rest of the world owns.
Despite what the “Occupy” movement would have us believe, the average North Americans are some of the richest people on the globe. The following really puts it into perspective:
If you could fit the entire population of the world into a village consisting of 100 people, maintaining the proportions of all the people living on Earth, that village would consist of:
- 57 Asians
- 21 Europeans
- 14 Americans (North, Central and South)
- 8 Africans
There would be:
- 52 women and 48 men
- 30 Caucasians and 70 non-Caucasians
- 30 Christians and 70 non-Christians
In addition:
If we looked at the world in this way, the need for acceptance and understanding would be obvious. But, consider again the following…
- If you have never experienced the horror of war, the solitude of prison, the pain of torture, were not close to death from starvation, then you are better off than 500 million people
- If you can go to your place of worship without fear that someone will assault or kill you, then you are luckier than 3 billion (that’s right) people.
- If you have a full fridge, clothes on your back, a roof over your head and a place to sleep, you are wealthier than 75% of the world’s population.
- If you currently have money in the bank, in your wallet and a few coins in your purse, you are one of 8 of the privileged few amongst the 100 people in the world.
- If your parents are still alive and still married, you’re a rare individual.
- If you’re reading this message, you’re extremely lucky, because you don’t comprise one of those 2 billion people who still can’t read. (source unknown: http://www.movebeyond.net/417/know-no-limits/quote/lightening-in-a-jar/ )
Some people have suggested: “the more wealth I attain, the more I will be able to travel to developing countries to help others or donate to worthy causes”. I’m not sure that’s true. It’s certainly part of the prevailing wisdom, but only God knows what He wants from us. One the one hand He says:
If wealth and prosperity become the means of service at God’s Threshold, it is highly meritorious; otherwise it would be better to avoid them. (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 437)
On the other, the Bahá’í Writings tell us that more and lasting things are accomplished by poor people, than by rich:
How many kings have flourished in luxury and in a brief moment all has disappeared! Their glory and their honor are forgotten. Where are all these sovereigns now? But those who have been servants of the divine beauty are never forgotten. The result of their works is everywhere visible. What king is there of two thousand years ago whose kingdom has lived in the hearts? But those disciples who were devoted to God – poor people who had neither fortune nor position – are to-day trees bearing fruit. Their banner is raised higher every day. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Divine Philosophy, p. 137)
I’ve learned that a life well lived doesn’t consist of an abundance of possessions. Sometimes we use “stuff” to fill the holes in our soul, but we aren’t going to find what we want from more stuff. There’s danger in having more than you need, because it only creates more wants. There’s nothing wrong with wanting more; or having aspirations – but the danger is that it distracts us from what’s really important. We can spend so many hours focused on getting this “one thing” that we aren’t living in the present moment and we aren’t focused on what really matters – teaching, service and acquiring virtues.
For example, I knew that I would be getting some money from my father’s estate, so for the three years it took for the money to arrive, I was continually thinking of what I wanted to spend it on. I set up a spreadsheet to keep track of it all; spent hours researching every item carefully, to make sure I knew that I was buying the best possible quality for my money. I measured and remeasured to make sure it would fit. When the money finally came, I threw it all out and decided to buy a car instead! I wasted hours of my life on this endeavor! And even when I got the car, I didn’t like it and traded it in on another one, losing money in the process. What a waste! I was certainly heedless of this quote:
Some men’s lives are solely occupied with the things of this world; their minds are so circumscribed by exterior manners and traditional interests that they are blind to any other realm of existence, to the spiritual significance of all things! They think and dream of earthly fame, of material progress. Sensuous delights and comfortable surroundings bound their horizon, their highest ambitions centre in successes of worldly conditions and circumstances! They curb not their lower propensities; they eat, drink, and sleep! Like the animal, they have no thought beyond their own physical well-being. It is true that these necessities must be despatched. Life is a load which must be carried on while we are on earth, but the cares of the lower things of life should not be allowed to monopolize all the thoughts and aspirations of a human being. The heart’s ambitions should ascend to a more glorious goal, mental activity should rise to higher levels! Men should hold in their souls the vision of celestial perfection, and there prepare a dwelling-place for the inexhaustible bounty of the Divine Spirit. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 98)
We don’t like to think of ourselves as greedy, but when I looked at the list on the other side of my index card, and truly understood my position in the world, I had to realize that I was. We all need to be on guard against all kinds of greed, especially at Christmas. The Bahá’í Writings tell us:
He should be content with little and free from avarice. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 50)
Why, then, exhibit such greed in amassing the treasures of the earth, when your days are numbered and your chance is well-nigh lost? Will ye not, then, O heedless ones, shake off your slumber? (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 127)
There is a danger in becoming attached to what we have. Another story I like illustrates this point:
Whereas riches may become a mighty barrier between man and God, and rich people are often in great danger of attachment, yet people with small worldly possessions can also become attached to material things. The following Persian story of a king and a dervish illustrates this.
Once there was a king who had many spiritual qualities and whose deeds were based on justice and loving-kindness. He often envied the dervish who had renounced the world and appeared to be free from the cares of this material life, for he roamed the country, slept in any place when night fell and chanted the praises of his Lord during the day. He lived in poverty, yet thought he owned the whole world. His only possessions were his clothes and a basket in which he carried the food donated by his well-wishers. The king was attracted to this way of life. Once he invited a well-known dervish to his palace, sat at his feet and begged him for some lessons about detachment. The dervish was delighted with the invitation. He stayed a few days in the palace and whenever the king was free preached the virtues of a mendicant’s life to him. At last the king was converted. One day, dressed in the garb of a poor man, he left his palace in the company of the dervish. They had walked together some distance when the dervish realized that he had left his basket behind in the palace. This disturbed him greatly and, informing the king that he could not go without his basket, he begged permission to return for it. But the king admonished him, saying that he himself had left behind his palaces, his wealth and power, whereas the dervish, who had preached for a lifetime the virtues of detachment, had at last been tested and was found to be attached to this world — his small basket. (Adib Taherzadeh, The Revelation of Baha’u'llah v 1, p. 76-77)
Contentment is being happy with what we have, and being grateful for it. This is what it means to be truly rich. Baha’u'llah has given us this prayer, which says in part:
Bestow upon me my portion, O Lord, as Thou pleasest, and cause me to be satisfied with whatsoever thou hast ordained for me. Thine is the absolute authority to command. (The Báb, Baha’i Prayers, p. 55)
We have enough. All of us! Ask yourself: If I never get another thing, could I be content with what I have? Most of us would have to answer yes!
I don’t think we’re all being called to get rid of everything we own and give it to the poor or pioneer to Africa, but to be able to get to the point where you could do it, is the kind of heart change God is looking for.
God might be calling you to let go of your stuff; or to change the way you relate to it; or to give it all to Him; or to pay Huqúq on it so it’s purified. Pray about what you’re learning here, and pay attention to what you’re being called on to do with this information. And realize that you have enough!
Studying the lives of the Central Figures of the Faith gives us a model to use in how they dealt with situations which would plunge any of us into self pity: When Baha’u’llah was in the Síyáh-Chál with his fellow prisoners, He recounts this story. If ever people had a right to feel sorry for [...]
Studying the lives of the Central Figures of the Faith gives us a model to use in how they dealt with situations which would plunge any of us into self pity:
When Baha’u'llah was in the Síyáh-Chál with his fellow prisoners, He recounts this story. If ever people had a right to feel sorry for themselves, these prisoners did, but instead, look what they chose to do instead:
We were all huddled together in one cell, our feet in stocks, and around our necks fastened the most galling of chains. The air we breathed was laden with the foulest impurities, while the floor on which we sat was covered with filth and infested with vermin. No ray of light was allowed to penetrate that pestilential dungeon or to warm its icy-coldness. We were placed in two rows, each facing the other. We had taught them to repeat certain verses which, every night, they chanted with extreme fervour. ‘God is sufficient unto me; He verily is the All-sufficing!’ one row would intone, while the other would reply: ‘In Him let the trusting trust.’ The chorus of these gladsome voices would continue to peal out until the early hours of the morning. Their reverberation would fill the dungeon, and, piercing its massive walls, would reach the ears of Násiri’d-Dín Sháh, whose palace was not far distant from the place where we were imprisoned. ‘What means this sound?’ he was reported to have exclaimed. ‘It is the anthem the Bábís are intoning in their prison,’ they replied. The Shah made no further remarks, nor did he attempt to restrain the enthusiasm his prisoners, despite the horrors of their confinement, continued to display. (Shoghi Effendi, The Dawn-Breakers, p. 631-632)
The Báb also immersed Himself in the Writings:
As He lay confined within the walls of the castle, He devoted His time to the composition of the Persian Bayan, the most weighty, the most illuminating and comprehensive of all His works. [. . . the writings which emanated from His inspired pen during this period were so numerous that they amounted in all to more than a hundred thousand verses]. (Shoghi Effendi, The Dawn-Breakers, p. 247)
Bahá’u'lláh paid the price for our suffering when He consented to be bound in chains “that mankind may be released from its bondage”. Bondage is a kind of slavery – in this case to self pity; and liberty is freedom. He “drank the cup of sorrow” so that we could be filled with joy and gladness, so by staying stuck in the prison of our self-pity, we’re rejecting His gift.
The Ancient Beauty hath consented to be bound with chains that mankind may be released from its bondage, and hath accepted to be made a prisoner within this most mighty Stronghold that the whole world may attain unto true liberty. He hath drained to its dregs the cup of sorrow, that all the peoples of the earth may attain unto abiding joy, and be filled with gladness.
Bahá’u'lláh wants us to “Remember my days during thy days”, and perhaps one reason for this is so that we can see how he handled his time in prison:
I sorrow not for the burden of My imprisonment. Neither do I grieve over My abasement, or the tribulation I suffer at the hands of Mine enemies. By My life! They are My glory, a glory wherewith God hath adorned His own Self. Would that ye know it! The shame I was made to bear hath uncovered the glory with which the whole of creation had been invested, and through the cruelties I have endured, the Day Star of Justice hath manifested itself, and shed its splendor upon men. My sorrows are for those who have involved themselves in their corrupt passions, and claim to be associated with the Faith of God, the Gracious, the All-Praised. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 99)
Because then He goes on to tell us how we should behave, knowing all this. He wants us to detach from all earthly things, which includes all of our disappointments and hurts, so that something much better might transpire:
It behoveth the people of Baha to die to the world and all that is therein, to be so detached from all earthly things that the inmates of Paradise may inhale from their garment the sweet smelling savor of sanctity, that all the peoples of the earth may recognize in their faces the brightness of the All-Merciful, and that through them may be spread abroad the signs and tokens of God, the Almighty, the All-Wise. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 99)
You didn’t see ‘Abdul-Bahá fall into self pity. He could both sigh out in grief, then turn to God:
For thirty long years, from the hour of Bahá’u'lláh’s ascension until His own immaculate spirit passed into the light of the all-highest realm, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá rested neither night nor day . . . All His life long, that quintessence of eternal glory, that subtle and mysterious Being, was subjected to trials and ordeals. He was the target of every calumny, of every false accusation, from enemies both without and within. To be a victim of oppression was His lot in this world’s life, and all He knew of it was toil and pain. In the dark of the night, He would sigh out His grief, and as He chanted His prayers at the hour of dawn, that wondrous voice of His would rise up to the inmates of Heaven. (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khánum, p. 152-153)
When life dealt Him hardship, He saw what needed to be done and He did it.
Single and alone, a prisoner, a victim of tyranny, He rose up to reform the world — to refine and train and educate the human race. He watered the tree of the Faith, He sheltered it from the whirlwind and the lightning bolt, He protected God’s holy Cause, He guarded the divine law, He defeated its adversaries, He frustrated the hopes of those who wished it ill. (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khánum, p. 152-153)
And even in prison, He chose to be cheerful:
Then know ye that Abdul-Bahá is in cheerfulness and joy and in the happiness of great glad-tidings though being in the far distant prison . . . this prison is my supreme paradise, my utmost desire, the joy of my heart and the dilation of my breast, my shelter, my asylum, my inaccessible cave and my high protection. By it I glory among the angels of heaven and the Supreme Concourse. Be rejoiced, O friends of God, with this confinement which is a cause of freedom, this prison which is a means of salvation (to many) and this suffering which is the best cause of great comfort. Verily, by God, I would not change this prison for the throne of the command of the horizons and would not exchange this confinement for all excursions and enjoyments in the gardens of the earth. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 4)
‘Abdul-Bahá, in prison, used to find things to laugh about every day:
He referred to His years in prison. Life was hard, He said, tribulations were never far away, and yet, at the end of the day, they would sit together and recall events that had been fantastic, and laugh over them. Funny situations could not be abundant, but still they probed and sought them, and laughed. (H.M. Balyuzi, Abdu’l-Bahá – The Centre of the Covenant, p. 31)
When Mírzá Mihdi (Bahá’u'lláh’s son) fell from the skylight of the prison in ‘Akká, you didn’t see him fall into self pity. Instead, he begged Bahá’u'lláh to let him die, so that people could come and visit Bahá’u'lláh.
The Purest Branch, the martyred son, the companion, and amanuensis of Bahá’u'lláh, that pious and holy youth, who in the darkest days of Bahá’u'lláh’s incarceration in the barracks of ‘Akká entreated, on his death-bed, his Father to accept him as a ransom for those of His loved ones who yearned for, but were unable to attain, His presence. (Shoghi Effendi, Messages to America, p. 31)
And we’ve been given the story of Bahiyyih Khánum, the Greatest Holy Leaf to use as our example:
You should, however, take courage and resign to the will of God when you see what the Greatest Holy Leaf had to face during her life. All you may suffer is nothing compared to what she had to endure; and yet how joyous and hopeful she used always to be! (Shoghi Effendi, Bahiyyih Khánum, p. 87)
We must struggle with such promptings from within, setting our sights on the lofty example set by the Greatest Holy Leaf who, throughout a life replete with severe tests, chose not to take offence at the actions or lack of actions of other souls and, with full and radiant heart, continued to bestow on them love and encouragement. (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 25 October, 1994)
The stories of the martyrs are also inspiring insights into how they dealt with situations that might plunge others into self pity. For example, Mona Mahmudnizhad kissed the noose before she was hung to death:
Well imagine being 16 years old and you and other women and girls have been teaching Baha’i children’s classes. You and nine other women and girls are arrested and charged with teaching children’s classes on the Baha’i Faith (Sunday School), Well, that is one happened in Shiraz, Iran on June 18, 1983. Mona Mahmudnizhad was teaching her religion (the Baha’i faith) to children, something we in the U.S. take for granted every day. In an attempt to make the women and girls recant their belief in the Baha’i Faith and Baha’u'llah, they were physically and mentally tortured. Yet, these ten women and girls, like most Baha’is arrested and tortured refused to recant their faith. The women knew that if they didn’t recant that they would be executed. The time came and the women were escorted from their cell, some could hardly walk, their feet had been beat until they were a bloody mess. The women cried quietly and stood steadfast to their knowledge that they would be reunited in heaven. When it was time for the first to be hung, Mona Mahmudnizhad a brave young girl walks forward, choosing to lead the way to Heaven, God and Baha’u'llah, and to give the others’ courage walked up to the rope. She kissed the noose reverently and placed it over her head, before the executioner had a chance. The remaining women and girls followed Mona Mahmudnizhad into heaven and forever in every Baha’is’ heart. (http://www.bellaonline.com/articles/art27767.asp)
What other role models have helped you overcome self pity? Post your comments here:
Other articles in this series:
How do we know if we’ve got it?
Why should we stop feeling sorry for ourselves?
‘Abdul-Bahá give us some steps to consider: How shall he obtain these merciful gifts and powers? First, through the knowledge of God. Second, through the love of God. Third, through faith. Fourth, through philanthropic deeds. Fifth, through self-sacrifice. Sixth, through severance from this world. Seventh, through sanctity and holiness. Unless he acquires these forces and [...]
‘Abdul-Bahá give us some steps to consider:
How shall he obtain these merciful gifts and powers? First, through the knowledge of God. Second, through the love of God. Third, through faith. Fourth, through philanthropic deeds. Fifth, through self-sacrifice. Sixth, through severance from this world. Seventh, through sanctity and holiness. Unless he acquires these forces and attains to these requirements, he will surely be deprived of the life that is eternal. But if he possesses the knowledge of God, becomes ignited through the fire of the love of God, witnesses the great and mighty signs of the Kingdom, becomes the cause of love among mankind and lives in the utmost state of sanctity and holiness, he shall surely attain to second birth, be baptized by the Holy Spirit and enjoy everlasting existence. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 226)
We’ll be considering each of these, and more, in the following section.
1. Turn to God: Until we turn to God, His love can’t reach us:
Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. Know this, O servant. (Baha’u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words 5)
In God we can make changes, but we can’t change without His help.
God is sufficient unto me; He verily is the All-sufficing! (The Báb, The Dawn-Breakers, p. 631)
2. Read the Writings: The only way to break the cycles is to understand and start following the Words of God. Nothing else can change the way you think. In order to get out of the prison of self pity, you need to keep every thought captive and judge it through the eyes of God to determine whether it’s true or not. We can’t know how God thinks, without reading the Writings:
It behooveth him to prize this food that cometh from heaven, that perchance, through the wondrous favours of the Sun of Truth, the dead may be brought to life, and withered souls be quickened by the infinite Spirit. (Baha’u'llah, The Kitáb-i-Iqán, p. 23)
3. Have faith: We can only get the bounties by turning to God and away from our self pity. It requires an act of faith or belief that His Teachings are the standard:
Ye must live and move according to the divine commands and behests. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 511)
Trust and faith are linked, but not the same. Trust comes from experience; faith comes from believing something that’s invisible. We need to trust God in faith.
It is in God that we place our confidence, it is the life processes which the Faith has set in motion which we trust, knowing that it takes time and includes many setbacks. (Compilations, Quickeners of Mankind, p. 121)
Bahá’u'lláh tells us that faith is a way out:
. . . faith is an endowment from the Higher Kingdom and changes all beliefs into an aliveness in the spirit. The quickening of the soul renews the atoms of the body to the very marrow of the bone . . . The capacity for response to sorrows . . . has been heightened greatly. (Bahá’u'lláh, Kitáb-i-Íqán, p. vi.)
And ‘Abdul-Bahá tells us:
The first sign of faith is love. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 336)
And love is the answer:
Love gives life to the lifeless. Love lights a flame in the heart that is cold. Love brings hope to the hopeless and gladdens the hearts of the sorrowful. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 179)
Love heals, but it needs God’s help:
In the hearts of men no real love is found, and the condition is such that, unless their susceptibilities are quickened by some power so that unity, love and accord may develop within them, there can be no healing (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 171)
But how do we get there?
4. Take action: To overcome it, you have to pray and then take action:
Act as though it had all been answered. Then act with tireless, ceaseless energy. And as you act, you, yourself, will become a magnet, which will attract more power to your being, until you become an unobstructed channel for the Divine power to flow through you. (Shoghi Effendi, Principles of Bahai Administration, p. 91)
You’ll never be able to defeat self pity unless you get off your butt. We have to take an active role, because God can’t move a parked car. We need knowledge (which we’re learning here), then the willingness to make the change, and then the action to carry it out:
Mere knowledge of anything is not sufficient. We all know that justice is good, but there is need for volition and executive force to carry it out. For example, should we think it good to build a church, simply thinking of it as being a good thing will not help its erection. We must will to build it. Then wealth is needed for its erection; simply thinking will not be sufficient. (Compilations, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 317)
As the Victory Promises say:
Do according to what host been commanded and do not be of those who tarry. (National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahá’ís of the Hawaiian Islands, Victory Promises, p. 13)
As the House of Justice says:
Beloved friends: Do not be dismayed or deterred. Take courage in the security of God’s law and ordinances. These are the darkest hours before the break of day. Peace, as promised, will come at night’s end. Press on to meet the dawn. (The Universal House of Justice, Ridván 150, 1993)
5. Make self pity your enemy: If you do it in a fun way, catching yourself in the action and letting it know there’s no room in your heart for it, you will find yourself laughing in delight. Whenever I catch myself, I imagine turning on a huge “no vacancy” sign in my lower nature, so that self pity can’t creep back in.
The deriding of the enemy addeth to the joy of the heart and the taunting of the ignorant becometh the means of spirituality and fragrance. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 131)
There’s only one way to defeat self pity, and that’s to stop coddling it and confront it . . . but it doesn’t want to be confronted. To do so seems insensitive or to come from a lack of caring. It’s good to recognize it and demonize it because then we can take responsibility for it and repent. We need to separate ourselves from self pity. If we are one with it, we’ll never be able to disentangle ourselves from its clutches.
6. Make different choices: You can make other choices! It takes as much effort to feel sad as it does to feel happy, but again, it’s a matter of choice. You can change your clothes, putting on a garment of selflessness and turn your attention back to God:
O, when will one arise and while listening to this song don the garment of selflessness and hasten to the precinct of the friend! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Divine Philosophy, p. 30)
It takes as much effort to feel sad as it does to feel happy – in fact, it takes more muscles to frown.
Self pity is the enemy of choice. God wants us to have choices, but for the things that will be best for us:
Commit thyself to God; give up thy will and choose that of God; abandon thy desire and lay hold on that of God; that thou mayest be a holy, spiritual and heavenly example among the maid-servants of God. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 89-90)
Caiaphas lived a comfortable and happy life while Peter’s life was full of sorrow and trial; which of these two is the more enviable? Assuredly we should choose the present state of Peter, for he possesses immortal life whilst Caiaphas has won eternal shame. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 50)
Self pity may have been with you for so long, that you may need a personality reconstruction in order to let go of it. But think of it this way: you change your clothes when they become soiled and smelly, so you can clothe yourself differently spiritually as well.
God grant that through His gracious and invisible assistance, thou mayest divest thy body and soul of the old garment, and array thyself with the new and imperishable attire. (Baha’u'llah, The Kitáb-i-Iqán, p. 158)
It’s hard to make choices when you’re full of self pity, and when you do, those choices lack any kind of strength.
7. Live in the present: We need to believe that there is life after self pity; life after failure; life after sin; life after everything because God is the Source of all “Be”ing.
O Source of my being. (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 248)
Through a word proceeding out of the mouth of God he was called into being. (Baha’u'llah, Tablets of Baha’u'llah, p. 161-162)
In God we live and move and have our be-ing. Our be-ing is not in withdrawing from everything, but in living in the spiritual realm while in the physical. When I was mired in self pity and despair, I wanted to die. I was impatient to get to the spiritual world to escape the suffering, not realizing that I could get there just by changing my thoughts.
If thou fulfill its requirements, which are purity of intention, attractive love, insight, discovery of truth and absolute spiritual attitude, thou wilt become entirely free from the physical conditions and wilt soar to the spiritual realms. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 150)
In the human plane and kingdom man is a captive of nature and ignorant of the divine world until born of the breaths of the Holy Spirit out of physical conditions of limitation and deprivation. Then he beholds the reality of the spiritual realm and Kingdom, realizes the narrow restrictions of the mere human world of existence and becomes conscious of the unlimited and infinite glories of the world of God. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 288-289)
Yet there is a third reality in man, the spiritual reality. Through its medium one discovers spiritual revelations, a celestial faculty which is infinite as regards the intellectual as well as physical realms. That power is conferred upon man through the breath of the Holy Spirit. It is an eternal reality, an indestructible reality, a reality belonging to the divine, supernatural kingdom; a reality whereby the world is illumined, a reality which grants unto man eternal life. This third, spiritual reality it is which discovers past events and looks along the vistas of the future. It is the ray of the Sun of Reality. The spiritual world is enlightened through it, the whole of the Kingdom is being illumined by it. It enjoys the world of beatitude, a world which had no beginning and which shall have no end. That celestial reality, the third reality of the microcosm, delivers man from the material world. Its power causes man to escape from nature’s world. Escaping, he will find an illuminating reality, transcending the limited reality of man and causing him to attain to the infinitude of God, abstracting him from the world of superstitions and imaginations, and submerging him in the sea of the rays of the Sun of Reality. This fact is proved from scientific as well as spiritual evidence. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 400)
8. Detachment: It’s not the load that breaks you down but the way you carry it. Detachment and self sacrifice are the keys:
Self-sacrifice means to subordinate this lower nature and its desires to the more godly and noble side of ourselves. Ultimately, in its highest sense, self-sacrifice means to give our will and our all to God to do with as He pleases. Then He purifies and glorifies our true self until it becomes a shining and wonderful reality. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113-114)
9. Have a positive attitude: Here’s a story of what it looks like in action, when everything goes wrong, you can be filled with grief, and still remember to turn your attention to God:
Among the women who came out of their homeland was the sorrowing Fatimih Begum, widow of the King of Martyrs. She was a holy leaf of the Tree of God. From her earliest youth she was beset with uncounted ordeals. First was the disaster which overtook her noble father in the environs of Badasht, when, after terrible suffering, he died in a desert caravanserai, died hard — helpless and far from home. The child was left an orphan, and in distress, until, by God’s grace, she became the wife of the King of Martyrs. But since he was known everywhere as a Bahá’í, was an impassioned lover of Bahá’u'lláh, a man distracted, carried away, and since Násiri’d-Dín Sháh thirsted for blood — the hostile lurked in their ambush, and every day they informed against him and slandered him afresh, started a new outcry and set new mischief afoot. For this reason his family was never sure of his safety for a single day, but lived from moment to moment in anguish, foreseeing and dreading the hour of his martyrdom.
Here was the family, everywhere known as Bahá’ís; their enemies, stony-hearted tyrants; their government inflexibly, permanently against them; their reigning Sovereign rabid for blood. It is obvious how life would be for such a household. Every day there was a new incident, more turmoil, another uproar, and they could not draw a breath in peace. Then, he was martyred. The Government proved brutal and savage to such a degree that the human race cried out and trembled. All his possessions were stripped away and plundered, and his family lacked even their daily bread.
Fatimih spent her nights in weeping; till dawn broke, her only companions were tears. Whenever she gazed on her children, she would sigh, wearing away like a candle in devouring grief. But then she would thank God, and she would say: “Praised be the Lord, these agonies, these broken fortunes are on Bahá’u'lláh’s account, for His dear sake.” She would call to mind the defenseless family of the martyred Husayn, and what calamities they were privileged to bear in the pathway of God. And as she pondered those events, her heart would leap up, and she would cry, “Praise be to God! We too have become companions of the Prophet’s Household.”
Because the family was in such straits, Bahá’u'lláh directed them to come to the Most Great Prison so that, sheltered in these precincts of abounding grace, they might be compensated for all that had passed. Here for a time she lived, joyful, thankful, and praising God. And although the son of the King of Martyrs, Mirza Abdu’l-Husayn, died in the prison, still his mother, Fatimih, accepted this, resigned herself to the will of God, did not so much as sigh or cry out, and did not go into mourning. Not a word did she utter to bespeak her grief. This handmaid of God was infinitely patient, dignified and reserved, and at all times thankful. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Memorials of the Faithful, p. 174-175)
10. Happiness:
Happiness comes from our higher nature. Our reality is spiritual, and when we live in that world, we are truly happy, but again we have to choose it for ourselves, and the best way to be able to choose, is to know the truth, found only in the Writings:
Man is, in reality, a spiritual being, and only when he lives in the spirit is he truly happy. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 72)
God wants us to live a life that’s “well pleasing” but we can’t do that when mired in self pity:
We would like them both to enjoy a life that is well-pleasing. (Bahá’u'lláh, Compilations, Huqúqu’lláh 57)
And:
If we are not happy and joyous at this season, for what other season shall we wait and for what other time shall we look? (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 351)
The basis for our happiness is not to live a life without adversity, because we will never have that:
Prosperity, contentment, and freedom, however much desired and conducive to the gladness of the human heart, can in no wise compare with the trials of . . . adversity in the pathway of God; for such exile and banishment are blessed by the divine favour, and are surely followed by the mercy of Providence. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 280-281)
Most of us long to feel “happy and joyful” but we can’t feel these and self pity at the same time. If we can’t replace fear with faith, we’ll have no hope of getting past self pity. We can look to ‘Abdul-Bahá and to the martyrs to see how they were able to rise above their circumstances and find joy.
Since the beginning of the Cause, there have been at least ten thousand men who went with gladness to suffer martyrdom, and people who saw them suffering this martyrdom thought it was through their own power, and did not know that a breeze had shaken them. In the days of other Prophets there were people who suffered martyrdom in the Cause of God, but in this day there are more, and these have been more sincere. The histories of this time will record their witness to the things which have happened in this day — to those who have suffered martyrdom. How many mothers have been happy to see their children suffer martyrdom! How many wives have rejoiced when their husbands suffered martyrdom; how many sisters have wept with joy when their brothers died in the Cause of God! Now, it is not possible for one to have joy under these circumstances unless he is shaken by a breeze from the garden of God. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 499-500)
There is no self pity in joy and God wants us to be joyful. In the prayer for Spiritual Qualities he has us repeat:
I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Baha’i Prayers, p. 151)
We need to understand and recognize that it’s self pity that’s robbing us of our joy. When we have faith, we have no reason to lose our joy.
11. Work: The cure for self pity is to engage in some occupation:
To engage in some profession is highly commendable, for when occupied with work one is less likely to dwell on the unpleasant aspects of life. (Baha’u'llah, Tablets of Baha’u'llah, p. 175)
12. Respond to invitations: Or to respond to invitations, which is a law of the Kitáb-i-Aqdas:
To respond to invitations. (Baha’u'llah, The Kitáb-i-Aqdas, p. 161)
Your problems don’t go away, you have to take action to work them out, and the best way to do that is to have faith because then you’re aligned with the will of God. You can think better, hear God better, and pay attention to the direction He’s giving you when you aren’t all muddled in negative thinking. Perhaps that’s why He places so much importance on preparing ourselves to enter the feast:
To a very large extent, the success of the Feast depends on the quality of the preparation and participation of the individual. The beloved Master offers the following advice: “Give ye great weight to the Nineteen Day gatherings, so that on these occasions the beloved of the Lord and the handmaids of the Merciful may turn their faces toward the Kingdom, chant the communes, beseech God’s help, become joyfully enamoured each of the other, and grow in purity and holiness, and in the fear of God, and in resistance to passion and self. Thus will they separate themselves from this elemental world, and immerse themselves in the ardours of the spirit.” (The Universal House of Justice, Selected Six Year Plan Messages, p. 57)
13. Be patient: Here is how God wants us to react:
When calamity striketh, be ye patient and composed. However afflictive your sufferings may be, stay ye undisturbed, and with perfect confidence in the abounding grace of God, brave ye the tempest of tribulations and fiery ordeals. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 73)
14. Be long suffering: Some self-pity is seen as long suffering:
Abdu’l-Ghaffar [one of the four companions condemned to go with Mirza Yahyá to Cyprus] was a close and agreeable companion. He served as interpreter for the entire company, for he spoke excellent Turkish, a language in which none of the friends was proficient . . . He was terrified and shouted for help, for he longed to be with us in the Most Great Prison. When they held him back by force, from high up on the ship he threw himself into the sea. This had no effect whatever on the brutal officers. After dragging him from the water they held him prisoner on the ship, cruelly restraining him, and carrying him away by force to Cyprus. He was jailed in Famagusta, but one way or another managed to escape and hastened to ‘Akká. Here, protecting himself from the malevolence of our oppressors, he changed his name to Abdu’llah. Sheltered within the loving-kindness of Bahá’u'lláh, he passed his days at ease, and happy. But when the world’s great Light had set, to shine on forever from the All-Luminous Horizon, Abdu’l-Ghaffar was beside himself and a prey to anguish. He no longer had a home. He left for Damascus and spent some time there, pent up in his sorrow, mourning by day and night. He grew weaker and weaker. We despatched Haji Abbas there, to nurse him and give him treatment and care, and send back word of him every day. But Abdu’l-Ghaffar would do nothing but talk, unceasingly, at every hour, with his nurse, and tell how he longed to go his way, into the mysterious country beyond. And at the end, far from home, exiled from his Love, he set out for the Holy Threshold of Bahá’u'lláh. He was truly a man long-suffering, and mild; a man of good character, good acts, and goodly words. Greetings and praise be unto him, and the glory of the All-Glorious. His sweet-scented tomb is in Damascus. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Memorials of the Faithful, p. 59-61)
15. Understand it’s a process.
As we almost never attain any spiritual goal without seeing the next goal we must attain still beyond our reach, he urges you, who, have come so far already on the path of spirituality, not to fret about the distance you still have to cover! It is an indefinite journey, and, no doubt in the next world the soul is privileged to draw closer to God than is possible when bound on this physical plane. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 209)
Growing out of self pity into faith and trust involves a learning curve. We don’t change copper into gold overnight.
For instance, consider the substance of copper. Were it to be protected in its own mine from becoming solidified, it would, within the space of seventy years, attain to the state of gold. (Baha’u'llah, The Kitáb-i-Iqán, p. 157)
16. Gratitude Self pity is opposite to goodness in your life. The opposite of self pity is gratitude and thankfulness. It’s easier to overcome something when we have a positive attitude. Perhaps that’s why we’re told to thank God, a hundred-thousand times:
In short, thou shouldst thank God a hundred-thousand times . . . (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 510)
Self pity has negativity and a lack of gratitude built right into it. We have to take charge of recognizing self pity and letting go of self pity. Each time we do so, we’ll be free. It can take a lot of humility to admit you even have self pity, but if you humble yourself beneath the Mighty Hand of God, He promises to raise you up.
Other articles in this series:
How do we know if we’ve got it?
Why should we stop feeling sorry for ourselves?
The best reason of all to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, is because God tells us: Do not feel sorry; do not brood over the loss; do not sit down depressed; do not be silent; but, on the contrary, day and night be engaged in the commemoration of thy Lord in the greatest joy and [...]
The best reason of all to stop feeling sorry for ourselves, is because God tells us:
Do not feel sorry; do not brood over the loss; do not sit down depressed; do not be silent; but, on the contrary, day and night be engaged in the commemoration of thy Lord in the greatest joy and gladness. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 132)
Be thou happy; rest thou assured upon the favors of Bahá’, so that uncertainty and hesitation may become non-existent and the invisible outpourings descend upon the arena of being! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 557)
The world needs us to focus our attention on action because:
. . . the time too short, the hour too perilous, the workers too few, the call too insistent, the resources too inadequate, for us to allow these precious and fleeting hours to slip from our grasp, and to suffer the prizes within our reach to be endangered or forfeited. (Shoghi Effendi, Messages to America, p. 101)
God wants us to get on with the tasks at hand and not to give in to it:
It is incumbent upon the friends to confront these difficulties with constancy and firmness, thankfulness and patience, unity and solidarity; to endure with fortitude these consecutive disasters; to traverse successfully these last remaining stages in their destined course; and to become neither restive nor disheartened on account of the hardships and exertions, the injustice and oppression that they are constrained to undergo. Let them at all times keep in mind the following clear and solemn warning recorded by the pen of the Centre of the Covenant and, with a tranquil heart, a radiant spirit, a steadfast purpose and a high resolve, watchfully anticipate the unfoldment and fulfilment of the Master’s utterance: “Beware the weeping of the wronged and orphaned children and the sighing of the victims of oppression, lest their tears should turn to floods and their breaths should turn to fire. (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 182)
God can’t bring His future to your present while you’re living in the past.
He urges you to grasp firmly the teachings of our Faith, the love of your family and many Bahá’í friends, to put the past behind entirely, realizing that it can do you no more harm; on the contrary, through changing you and making you spiritually aware, this very past can be a means of enriching your life in the future! (Shoghi Effendi, Unfolding Destiny, pp. 449-450)
Life is too short to spend any of it in self pity. There are certain tasks required of us:
Now is the time to roar like unto a sea and seek to ascend heavenward! If we desire to reach the apex of the Supreme Kingdom, we must unfurl our wings; if we wish to dive into the depths of the ocean, we must teach our limbs swimming. The time is short and the Divine Courser moves swiftly on; let us keep up and compete with each other and let us light a brilliant candle! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 354)
We’ll have plenty of time to wallow in the next world. We’ll even be able to complain to everyone who will listen:
Blessed is the soul which, at the hour of its separation from the body, is sanctified from the vain imaginings of the peoples of the world . . . The Maids of Heaven, inmates of the loftiest mansions, will circle around it, and the Prophets of God and His chosen ones will seek its companionship. With them that soul will freely converse, and will recount unto them that which it hath been made to endure in the path of God, the Lord of all worlds. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 155)
You will never be victorious if you have self pity as part of your life. For example, when I was dealing with memories of my childhood abuse, I tried to arise to teach and serve the Faith as a way to defeat self pity, but my motivations were wrong. I was using service in trying to outrun the despair, so I always fell back into self pity. It wasn’t until I recognized it as a lack of faith, and a veil between me and God that I was able to take responsibility for it, repent, and arise to serve, motivated by love of God. And since I’ve done that, I am happier than I have ever been in my life, and I am grateful!
Can you think of other reasons why we should stop feeling sorry for ourselves? Post your comments here:
Other articles in this series:
How do we know if we’ve got it?
Self pity mostly has a negative effect on us, but there is one positive aspect to consider. Even in this world, God hears our sighs, and they have an effect on the world: Every drop of blood shed by the valiant martyrs, every sigh heaved by the silent victims of oppression, every supplication for divine [...]
Self pity mostly has a negative effect on us, but there is one positive aspect to consider. Even in this world, God hears our sighs, and they have an effect on the world:
Every drop of blood shed by the valiant martyrs, every sigh heaved by the silent victims of oppression, every supplication for divine assistance offered by the faithful, has released, and will continue mysteriously to release, forces over which no antagonist of the Faith has any control, and which, as marshalled by an All-Watchful Providence, have served to noise abroad the name and fame of the Faith to the masses of humanity in all continents. (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 167)
As for the negative effects . . .
1. Inferiority Complex: It can lead to an inferiority complex. Self pity keeps you from believing in yourself, God or others. You can’t be the light of the world hiding behind your self when you say things like: “When I’m not depressed, then I’ll help someone”. The Bábi’s didn’t have time for self pity because they were off teaching the Faith and making a difference. Bahá’u'lláh tells us:
Thou art even as a finely tempered sword concealed in the darkness of its sheath and its value hidden from the artificer’s knowledge. Wherefore come forth from the sheath of self and desire that thy worth may be made resplendent and manifest unto all the world. (Baha’u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words 72
2. Unworthiness: Self pity results in a sense of unrecognized worthiness. For example, when I was first dealing with the fallout from childhood abuse, I believed I was a “worthless piece of s**t” and refused to believe the Words of God, which said I was “created noble” and was a “mine rich in gems of inestimable value”. Rather than face it, acknowledge it, take responsibility for it, ask God for forgiveness for it (which is what God wants for us), I retreated into it.
We have set forth the whole matter before thee, that perchance thou might realize what thou hast done, might desist from inflicting on others the hurt thou hast inflicted on Us, and might be of them that have truly repented to God, Who created thee and created all things, and might act with discernment in the future. Better is this for thee than all thou dost possess, than thy ministry whose days are numbered. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 229)
The truth is, we are all unworthy:
I confess, O my God, that whatever proceedeth from me is wholly unworthy of Thy sovereignty and falleth short of Thy majesty. (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 81)
But we can’t let these feelings stop us from moving forward:
If the friends always waited until they were fully qualified to do any particular task, the work of the Cause would be almost at a standstill! But the very act of striving to serve, however unworthy one may feel, attracts the blessings of God and enables one to become more fitted for the task. (Shoghi Effendi, Promoting Entry by Troops, p. 3)
We can turn to God, confident of His love and forgiveness, by using these prayers:
I beseech Thee . . . to give me to drink of the wine of Thy mercy and of the pure beverage of Thy favor, which have streamed forth from the right hand of Thy will, that I may so fix my gaze upon Thee and be so detached from all else but Thee, that the world and all that hath been created therein may appear before me as a fleeting day which Thou hast not deigned to create. I moreover entreat Thee, O my God, to rain down, from the heaven of Thy will and the clouds of Thy mercy, that which will cleanse us from the noisome savors of our transgressions, O Thou Who hast called Thyself the God of Mercy! Thou art, verily, the Most Powerful, the All-Glorious, the Beneficent. (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 81-82)
I implore Thee, O Thou Fashioner of the nations and the King of eternity, to guard Thy handmaidens within the tabernacle of Thy chastity, and to cancel such of their deeds as are unworthy of Thy days. Purge out, then, from them, O my God, all doubts and idle fancies, and sanctify them from whatsoever becometh not their kinship with Thee, O Thou Who art the Lord of names, and the Source of utterance. Thou art He in Whose grasp are the reins of the entire creation. No God is there but Thee, the Almighty, the Most Exalted, the All-Glorious, the Self-Subsisting. (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 231)
Another way unworthiness manifests itself is this: Perhaps you know that you have done something worthy of recognition, either from just being you; or from some accomplishment, and you feel sorry for yourself when someone didn’t treat you as a noble being, or as a “mine rich in gems of inestimable value”. For example, some of my self pity came when my mother didn’t attend an awards banquet in which I won 5 major awards, or when my father didn’t come to my wedding. I wanted them there to witness my triumph and believed their lack of presence meant my victory didn’t mean anything to them. Not only did this keep me in self pity, believing my accomplishments didn’t matter, it also kept me bitter and unforgiving for decades. If only I had known and understood these quotes then, I could have saved myself many years of self pity!
The indifference and scorn of the world matters not at all, whereas your lives will be of the greatest importance. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 118)
To be approved of God alone should be one’s aim. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Star of the West, Vol. 6, No. 6, p. 44)
. . . at all times seeking the approval of men is many times the cause of imperiling the approval of God. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Star of the West, June 24, 1915)
3. As a way to get attention: Sometimes people get sick and are grateful because people pay attention to them. When others call to see how you are doing, you have someone to complain to. Self pity is the greatest codependency-making disease in the world because it plays on the love of other people. But those mired in it, don’t want your love or friendship. They just want someone to complain to: “misery loves company”, and if you don’t cater to it, you’ll be on the “hit list” or worse, labeled “evil”.
There are a lot of sick people trying to serve God, suggesting that somehow their suffering is noble: “It’s such a small thing to suffer for Bahá’u'lláh”. They have a martyr-complex. There’s a difference between true martyrs (who lay down their lives with joy) and false martyrs (who use their disease to gain sympathy, and who draw attention to themselves).
Souls have appeared in the world who were pure and undefiled, who have directed their attention toward God, seeking the reward of God, attaining nearness to the threshold of God, acceptable in the good pleasure of God. They have been the lights of guidance and stars of the Supreme Concourse. Consider these souls, shining like stars in the horizon of sanctity forevermore. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 186)
But wouldn’t it be easier to serve God if you were well? God wants you to be healthy, and to take care of your health (physical, mental and spiritual), so there is no room left for self-pity:
You should not neglect your health, but consider it the means which enables you to serve. It — the body — is like a horse which carries the personality and spirit, and as such should be well cared for so it can do its work! You should certainly safeguard your nerves, and force yourself to take time, and not only for prayer meditation, but for real rest and relaxation. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 296)
If you truly believe that God gave you whatever is causing you to feel sorry for yourself, and that you’re using your suffering for His Glory, then what incentive would there be to get well? What reason would you have for going to a doctor? It would be like me offering you a glass of water and you declining it, saying you’d rather die of thirst.
4. Separates you: Self pity separates you from God, yourself and others, and makes it impossible for you to take nourishment from the Writings:
Souls are liable to estrangement. Such methods should be adopted that the estrangement should be first removed, then the Word will have effect. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 385)
5. Traps you deep inside the prison of self, and what a horrible place that is to be! Only by using our wills, will be will able to receive God’s confirmations.
The afflictions which come to humanity sometimes tend to centre the consciousness upon the limitations, and this is a veritable prison. Release comes by making of the will a Door through which the confirmations of the Spirit come. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Abdu’l-Bahá in London, p. 120)
6. Paralyzes you into inaction: Self pity paralyzes thoughts and feelings and actions in the world and keeps you stuck. ‘Abdul-Bahá tells us at great length, the reality of who we are, and then asks us why we’re wallowing:
O ye roses in the garden of God’s love! O ye bright lamps in the assemblage of His knowledge! May the soft breathings of God pass over you, may the Glory of God illumine the horizon of your hearts. Ye are the waves of the deep sea of knowledge, ye are the massed armies on the plains of certitude, ye are the stars in the skies of God’s compassion, ye are the stones that put the people of perdition to flight, ye are clouds of divine pity over the gardens of life, ye are the abundant grace of God’s oneness that is shed upon the essences of all created things. On the outspread tablet of this world, ye are the verses of His singleness; and atop lofty palace towers, ye are the banners of the Lord. In His bowers are ye the blossoms and sweet-smelling herbs, in the rose garden of the spirit the nightingales that utter plaintive cries. Ye are the birds that soar upward into the firmament of knowledge, the royal falcons on the wrist of God. Why then are ye quenched, why silent, why leaden and dull? (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 265)
7. Looking elsewhere for healing: People who are full of self-pity turn everywhere else for healing, never looking at the Word of God.
They are even as dead and lifeless, except him whom thy Lord, the Almighty, the Unconstrained, hath willed to exempt. Such a one is indeed of those endued with knowledge in the sight of Him Who is the All-Knowing. (Baha’u'llah, The Proclamation of Baha’u'llah, p. 76)
But without reading and understanding the Word of God, we’ll never be successful:
Not until thou hast grasped the mysteries concealed in that which We shall relate unto thee canst thou hope to attain to the stations of faith and certitude in the Cause of God. (Baha’u'llah, Gems of Divine Mysteries, p. 5)
8. Keeps you feeling negative: Self pity is very powerful and contagious. You become what you think, so if you “dwell on the unpleasant things of life”, that will be all you see.
He strongly urges you not to dwell on yourself. Each one of us, if we look into our failures, is sure to feel unworthy and despondent, and this feeling only frustrates our constructive efforts and wastes time. The thing for us to focus on is the glory of the Cause and the Power of Bahá’u'lláh which can make of a mere drop a surging sea! (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113)
9. Blame: One of the ingredients of self pity is refusing to take responsibility and blaming external sources.
It behoveth you, therefore, to attach blame to no one except to yourselves, for the things ye have committed, if ye but judge fairly. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 222-223)
10. Takes others down with them: Those who are indulging in self-pity don’t want to solve anything. They want to draw you down with them. Here’s a story of how that works:
The black-hearted scoundrel who befooled and manipulated this vain and flaccid man with consummate skill and unyielding persistence was a certain Siyyid Muhammad, a native of Isfahan, notorious for his inordinate ambition, his blind obstinacy and uncontrollable jealousy. To him Bahá’u'lláh had later referred in the Kitáb-i-Aqdas as the one who had “led astray” Mirza Yahya, and stigmatized him, in one of His Tablets, as the “source of envy and the quintessence of mischief,” while ‘Abdu’l-Bahá had described the relationship existing between these two as that of “the sucking child” to the “much-prized breast” of its mother. (Shoghi Effendi, God Passes By, p. 112-113)
Other people want to help when they see someone suffering, but you can never do enough to satisfy them. They never seem to listen when we point out what’s right in their lives, and just how much the positive out-balances the negative. They don’t want to acknowledge this because then they’d no longer have a reason to feel bad for themselves.
For example, I used to be numb to love. I had over 20 pages of testimonials from grateful recipients of services I’ve rendered, and it all meant nothing. I’d collect them, read them over when I was down, and didn’t believe any of them. I was so unhappy and felt so unworthy of love because I believed my mother when she said 50 year ago “I wish she’d never been born” and I’d spend the rest of my life collecting evidence that I didn’t matter to anyone. Because I never felt my parent’s approval, I could never be happy about my accomplishments or the positive things in my life. As long as I felt distant from God’s love, I was unable to love myself or receive the love from others, although I desperately craved it.
Here’s something to consider when trying to help others:
It is not merely material well- being that people need. What they desperately need is to know how to live their lives — they need to know who they are’, to what purpose they exist, and how they should act towards one another; and, once they know the answers to these questions they need to be helped to gradually apply these answers to every-day behavior. It is to the solution of this basic problem of mankind that the greater part of all our energy and resources should be directed. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 122)
11. Martyr complex: Sometimes people with self pity have a martyr-complex, but it’s rooted in self and not in true martyrdom:
The martyr’s field is the place of detachment from self, that the anthems of eternity may be upraised. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 76)
True martyrs are moved by God, not motivated by self:
Since the beginning of the Cause, there have been at least ten thousand men who went with gladness to suffer martyrdom, and people who saw them suffering this martyrdom thought it was through their own power, and did not know that a breeze had shaken them. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 499-500)
Shoghi Effendi is quite clear that we shouldn’t try to take on the suffering of others:
We cannot bear the burden of suffering of others, and we should not try to. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 237)
God is not calling most of us to be martyrs. He’s calling us to defeat self pity as we resolve the severe mental tests He sends for the perfection of our souls.
No matter how long the period that separates them from ultimate victory; however arduous the task; however formidable the exertions demanded of them; however dark the days which mankind, perplexed and sorely-tried, must, in its hour of travail, traverse; however severe the tests with which they who are to redeem its fortunes will be confronted; however afflictive the darts which their present enemies, as well as those whom Providence, will, through His mysterious dispensations raise up from within or from without, may rain upon them . . . I adjure them, as this solemn hour draws nigh, to resolve never to flinch, never to hesitate, never to relax, until each and every objective in the Plans to be proclaimed, at a later date, has been fully consummated. (Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 145)
12. Burden: Self pity is a heavy weight to carry. God understands our burdens and asks us to rise above them for a greater purpose:
Burden not your souls so as to cause exhaustion and weigh them down, but rather endeavour to lighten them, that they may soar on the wings of revealed Verses unto the dawning-place of His signs. This is conducive to nearer access unto God, were ye to comprehend. (Bahá’u'lláh, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 225)
I am fully aware of the sacrifices you have already made, and realize the urgent need of allaying the burden which weighs so heavily on some of the poor and distressed believers. But I realize also the uniqueness of the opportunity which it is our privilege to seize and utilize. The world is watching the progress of our Faith and the steady expansion of our institutions. (Shoghi Effendi, Extracts from the USBN)
What other effects can you think of? Post your comments here:
Other articles in this series:
How do we know if we’ve got it?
Why should we stop feeling sorry for ourselves?
Self pity comes from circumstances in our lives, which gives rise to thoughts coming out of our lower nature, which convince us that we don’t matter and that life is never going to get any better. Sometimes it can start with somebody breaking your heart or a test that doesn’t make sense. 1. Broken Heart: [...]
Self pity comes from circumstances in our lives, which gives rise to thoughts coming out of our lower nature, which convince us that we don’t matter and that life is never going to get any better. Sometimes it can start with somebody breaking your heart or a test that doesn’t make sense.
1. Broken Heart: Your lower nature had you believe that someone’s love (often a parent or spouse) was supposed to be unconditional, but that was putting unreasonable expectations on another human being. There is only one “Best Lover” (one of the names of God found in the Fire Tablet), and that is God. He will never let us down, even when we think He has:
If, however, for a few days, in compliance with God’s all-encompassing wisdom, outward affairs should run their course contrary to one’s cherished desire, this is of no consequence and should not matter. Our intent is that all the friends should fix their gaze on the Supreme Horizon, and cling to that which hath been revealed in the Tablets. (Bahá’u'lláh, Fire and Light, p. 10)
If you have a broken heart, you expect to be hurt by everyone for the rest of your life. In order to get past this, you need to stop taking responsibility for the sins of others as if they were yours.
For example, my broken heart came with my first instance of sexual abuse by my father, and hearing my mother say in response: “I wish she’d never been born.” Neither the abuse, nor her hurtful comment had anything to do with me, though I believed it did. Once I realized that they were responsible for my care and protection, and their actions were arising from their lower natures, and hooked into my lower nature when I believed it had anything to do with me, I was able to get free of my self pity.
When you understand that self pity comes from a broken heart; from the damage caused by someone who was supposed to love you, you’ll be able to get rid of self pity.
2. Adversity: When adversity comes to us, it doesn’t take much for us to curse God, lose our faith and want to die. This is what our lower nature wants us to do. It wants you to give up, but if we do, we’ll never overcome it and we’ll lose an opportunity to grow. Life is filled with obstacles. It’s built into the world we live in. There is a positive and negative side to adversity. It’s how the gold is refined and if handled correctly, it provides you with steps to freedom.
Assuredly gold is purified by being submitted to the fire and if it contain any alloy or imperfection, it will disappear. That is the reason why violent tests become the cause of the everlasting glory of the righteous. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v3, p. 655)
There is glory in tribulation, because it’s the first step towards victory. When we can overcome our difficulties they’re no longer problems. We never have to work at them again because we’ve perfected them. The things we’ve overcome become our victories; which changes our personality and our spirituality and who we are. But to overcome takes practice, and we can’t practice without taking the first steps. Self pity won’t let you take those steps. The experience of trying produces hope, even when we fall. For example, when we learned to ride a bicycle, we ended up with a lot of scraped elbows and knees but we learned to ride, and that skill stays with us our whole life. We can spend decades not riding a bike and then getting back on it and ride it successfully.
We will fall down as Bahá’is but we have to get up and keep trying with God’s help:
We Bahá’ís can always, with the aid of Bahá’u'lláh, Who, is ever ready to strengthen and assist us, turn our stumbling blocks into stepping stones. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 602-603)
We’ll never grow if we don’t start growing. We’ll never overcome if we don’t start overcoming. We’ll never do anything if we don’t have anything to do. Take action! When you’re up against a mountain, it looks big, but when you’re climbing and look down, it looks smaller. We won’t be instantly victorious, but if we don’t take action, we won’t be victorious at all.
The negative side to adversity is when we don’t use it to change. Self pity will reinforce doing nothing to make the situation better. Doing nothing is not the same as being still. When we’re still, we’re allowing God to direct our movement and our stillness:
If it be Thy pleasure, make me to grow as a tender herb in the meadows of Thy grace, that the gentle winds of Thy will may stir me up and bend me into conformity with Thy pleasure, in such wise that my movement and my stillness may be wholly directed by Thee. (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 240)
And it’s a pleasant place to be:
Pleasant is the realm of being, wert thou to attain thereto . . . Shouldst thou attain this station, thou wouldst be freed from destruction and death, from toil and sin. (Baha’u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words 70)
Being still feels good, but self pity does not. It breeds all kinds of other sins: fear, bitterness, self hatred, judgement.
3. Persecution: When you become a Bahá’í, and take on teaching others about the Faith, you can expect to be persecuted, so when it happens, know that it’s part of God’s plan and don’t get mired in self pity about it:
The circumstances will be severe for every thankful servant (i. e., believer in the Teachings) . . . The people shall arise against you with the most bitter hatred, opposition and envy. Swords of persecution and curses shall be thrown at you . . . The wind of tests and trials shall fiercely blow and thereby the weak trees, which are not firmly rooted in this wonderful vineyard, shall be uprooted. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 268)
Instead, we can hold on to this thought:
But the trees which are strong, thriving and green will be strengthened, their branches extended, their leaves opened, their appearance beautified and their blossoms and fruits increased. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 268)
‘Abdul-Bahá is praying for us:
I ask God to make thee one of those firmly rooted trees and an extended branch in this most great vineyard, and to make thy heart like unto a cup overflowing with His love in every assemblage. Verily He is the Powerful, the Generous! (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 268)
In the west, we’ve never known the physical persecutions experience by the Bahá’ís in Iran, the Cradle of the Faith. Instead, our tests are mental. Martyrdom is equated to teaching for the peoples of the West:
Every day has certain needs. In those early days the Cause needed Martyrs, and people who would stand all sorts of torture and persecution in expressing their faith and spreading the message sent by God. Those days are, however, gone. The Cause at present does not need martyrs who would die for the faith, but servants who desire to teach and establish the Cause throughout the world. To live to teach in the present day is like being martyred in those early days. It is the spirit that moves us that counts, not the act through which that spirit expresses itself; and that spirit is to serve the Cause of God with our heart and soul. (Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 5)
Do you want to be a weak tree, or a strong tree? Am I going to let the effects of my broken heart, my adversity and persecution win? That’s the question I need to ask myself frequently, as self pity pulls me down and makes me unable to participate in the activities of the faith from time to time. So now when I catch myself collapsing into that quagmire, I remind myself of ‘Abdul-Bahá’s promise and prayer. If I allow self pity to win, my faith is based on my feelings and emotions arising from my lower nature, and not based on God’s Truth as written in the Bahá’í Writings.
Who broke your heart? What adversity and persecution led you into self pity? What helped you get past it? Post your comments here.
Other articles in this series:
How do we know if we’ve got it?
Why should we stop feeling sorry for ourselves?
People who wallow in self-pity usually go around in a bad mood, feeling sorry for themselves, feeling they’ve been wronged some how. They only care about poor little them. They failed because of someone or something else. They don’t own up to their own faults. When you catch yourself saying things like these, it’s a [...]
People who wallow in self-pity usually go around in a bad mood, feeling sorry for themselves, feeling they’ve been wronged some how. They only care about poor little them. They failed because of someone or something else. They don’t own up to their own faults.
When you catch yourself saying things like these, it’s a sign that self pity is present:
o I try but things just get worse. What’s the point in trying?
o It’s always . . .
o You never . . .
o I was victimized, oppressed, abused . . .
o Nobody knows how badly I’ve suffered
o Nobody appreciates all the things I’m doing.
o I didn’t create the problem so I can’t end it
o People have done me wrong
o Nobody loves me.
o I can’t do anything right.
o Why do bad things always happen to me?
o I’m sick and tired of him . . .
People mired in self pity always look down, while those who don’t, always look up. God wants us to look up:
With regard to the things of the spirit they are as lifeless as a stone; nor do they wish to be otherwise . . . But man’s ambition should soar above this — he should ever look higher than himself, ever upward and onward, until through the Mercy of God he may come to the Kingdom of Heaven. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 71)
Someone mired in self pity can not and will not accept responsibility for their own lives. They look outside themselves for the source of their problems and struggles, always looking for someone to blame. They say: “I didn’t create the problem, therefore I can’t end it.” If something else is the source of your problem, you’re giving your power away to it. For example: for many years I believed that I suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder caused by my parent’s abusing me as a child, and that kept me stuck. I gave my power away in several ways:
o I believed that PTSD was more powerful than God. It wasn’t until I developed a relationship with God, and understood the difference between my lower and higher natures, that I was able to realize that their abuse ended at age 17, but the abuse I’d been perpetrating on myself ever since was so much worse, and then I was able to break free.
o I thought that if I focused on service and teaching, it would be a way to overcome the effects of PTSD. It worked for awhile, but because my motives were wrong, the despair always caught up with me. It wasn’t until I stopped trying to do it my way, and truly gave my will over to God, that I was able to live life fully in the present.
o I thought that “if only” my parents would remove the estrangement and start talking to me about what happened as a child, then I’d be able to get free. But then they died, and I didn’t want to remain stuck for the rest of my life because of their choices. I had power over my life. They didn’t.
o I thought that “if only” the money would come from my father’s estate, I’d be able to catch up on my bills. I was waiting for him to rescue me, when it wasn’t in his power to do that. The power is all from God. He knows my needs and how to meet them, if only I’ll ask. So I learned to ask!
I had to learn the hard way that I couldn’t make the source of my life dependent on someone else’s actions, or on the environment. I had to realize that God is the only “Source of power and wisdom.” (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 295)
Other articles in this series:
Why should we stop feeling sorry for ourselves?
Though no one wants to admit to it, we all have self-pity to some degree; some more than others, some less than others. So what is it? How do we know we have it? Where does it come from? How does it affect us and others? What does God think about it? Why should we [...]
Though no one wants to admit to it, we all have self-pity to some degree; some more than others, some less than others. So what is it? How do we know we have it? Where does it come from? How does it affect us and others? What does God think about it? Why should we try to overcome it and how do we do it? These are all some of the questions we will answer in this new series of blog postings. So let’s start by looking at what it is.
Fist of all, we need to know that self pity is not the same as depression and grief and sadness, but if not dealt with, all of those can lead to self pity. God knows how easy it is for us to stay stuck in grief and sadness, which is why He tells us to “sorrow not”:
Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will no doubt attain. (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 69).
And “grieve not”:
When the winds blow severely, rains fall fiercely, the lightning flashes, the thunder roars, the bolt descends and storms of trial become severe, grieve not; for after this storm, verily, the divine spring will arrive, the hills and fields will become verdant, the expanses of grain will joyfully wave, the earth will become covered with blossoms, the trees will be clothed with green garments and adorned with blossoms and fruits. Thus blessings become manifest in all countries. These favors are results of those storms and hurricanes. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 394)
Grieve not at the divine trials. Be not troubled because of hardships and ordeals; turn unto God, bowing in humbleness and praying to Him, while bearing every ordeal, contented under all conditions and thankful in every difficulty. Verily thy Lord loveth His maidservants who are patient, believing and firm. He draws them nigh unto Him through these ordeals and trials. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 50)
Grieve not at what hath befallen thee, but put thy whole trust in God, the Almighty, the All-Knowing, the Wise. Raise thy house upon the solid foundation of divine utterances, and give praise to thy Lord. He, verily, shall suffice thee above all the peoples of the earth. (Baha’u'llah, The Summons of the Lord of Hosts, p. 151)
In these quotes He promises us that things will get better; He reminds us to turn to God in prayer and gratitude; be patient; trust God; and read the Writings. This then could be a remedy for self pity.
Self pity is . . .
1. Self indulgent: Self pity is a self-indulgent attitude concerning one’s own difficulties, hardships, etc, causing people to dwell on their sorrows or misfortunes. God does not want us to dwell on the unpleasant things of life:
Do not dwell on what is coming to pass . . . and be ye in no wise alarmed. Whatsoever may happen is for the best, because affliction is but the essence of bounty, and sorrow and toil are mercy unalloyed, and anguish is peace of mind, and to make a sacrifice is to receive a gift, and whatsoever may come to pass hath issued from God’s grace. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 245)
I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Baha’i Prayers, p. 151)
2. Paralyzing: Self pity is a paralyzing state of mind where someone has notaccepted a situation and does not have the confidence nor the ability to cope with it. It can lead to apathy and lethargy, which God doesn’t want either:
Underlying all these outward afflictions is the spiritual damage reflected in the apathy that has gripped the mass of the peoples of all nations and by the extinction of hope in the hearts of deprived and anguished millions. (The Universal House of Justice, 1985 Oct, The Promise of World Peace)
‘Abdul-Bahá challenges us:
Is it commendable that you should waste and fritter away in apathy the brilliance that is your birthright, your native competence, your inborn understanding? (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 91)
God understands that to overcome it is challenging, but tells us:
The apathy and lethargy that paralyze their spiritual faculties — these are among the formidable obstacles that stand in the path of every world-be warrior in the service of Bahá’u'lláh, obstacles which he must battle against the surmount in his crusade for the redemption of his own countrymen. (Shoghi Effendi: Citadel of Faith, p. 149
3. Victimizing: Self pity wants to take you back to a time before the suffering started because you can’t stand the now. It is characterized by a person’s belief that he or she is the victim of events and is therefore deserving of condolence.
God doesn’t want us to feel sorry for ourselves, or to blame anyone for what has happened to us:
Grieve not at the things that have befallen Thee, for erelong shall God raise up a people who will see with their own eyes and will recall Thy tribulations. Withhold Thy pen from the mention of Thine enemies, and bestir it in the praise of the Eternal King. (Baha’u'llah, The Summons of the Lord of Hosts, p. 17)
4. Addictive: Self pity is a powerful enemy. It will lead you into addictions to substances (drugs, alcohol) or behaviors (sex outside marriage, shopping, workaholism) looking for comfort and it will make you think you’ve been so badly wronged that it can justify the addiction.
An addiction is whatever you put your affections on; whatever you focus on repetitiously. By this definition, self pity is a powerful drug. It anesthetizes the pain, puts you to sleep (physically and spiritually) and keeps you safe from intrusion. It’s a mood altering substance that should only be available by prescription! It’s addictive and draws others down with you.
If you are sad, and pass a child who is laughing, the child, seeing your sad face, will cease to laugh, not knowing why. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Abdu’l-Bahá in London, p. 124)
The person who engages in self-pity is looking for sympathy from others, usually, for in that sympathy they hope to find their happiness, their pleasant feelings. They’re depending on support and encouragement from others to make them feel better; unfortunately, such a dependence is very similar to a chemical dependence–the high soon wears off, and they need another fix. Like an addict, one dose of self pity is not enough. You’re hooked for life. At first, it’s met with joy. You chew on it and it feels good, but after awhile, the honeymoon is over and you won’t want it anymore, but it will be too late. It will already be part of your personality.
For example, after retrieving memories of a lifetime of abuse, I was mired in self pity. And whenever I told my story, people responded with compassion. I felt like nobody had ever lived through the things I lived through. I read Writings which said: “Remember My days during thy days”, and thought that the Manifestation of God had no idea of what I went through. His life had nothing to do with mine. (Can you see how I then slipped into pride?) Over time, I slipped into chronic depression and anxiety and was labeled with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (my self pity was driving me further and further from God and from others). I believed I was my diagnoses; and despair and hopelessness became my constant companions. I spent my days wanting to die. Doesn’t this sound like the life of an addict?
5. Self soothing: Self-pity is a way of paying attention to oneself, albeit negatively; it is a means self-soothing or self-nurturing (“I hurt so much”). Self pity often starts in childhood, where children who are hurting need it for their very survival. It might have been one of the only tools available to draw attention to themselves, and as a child it served them well. But what was necessary for a child and adolescent becomes repulsive when seen in adults. For example, it’s almost endearing to see a child sucking his thumb and holding on to a security blanket, but the same behavior won’t get you a lot of respect from your peers as an adult.
Perhaps the child received attention, support, and nurturing while being sick or hurt. They grow up having learned either to give attention to himself (or ask for attention from others) looking for sympathy from others (for example, someone might use the phrase “oh, you poor thing” to comfort the person in self-pity).
6. Fear based: Self pity is fear based, not faith based. Fear and faith are equal: both project into the future and both demand to be fulfilled. Faith is reaching for the good things you’re hoping for, and fear is believing that only bad things are coming your way. You get to choose: Are you going to be the servant of faith or the servant of fear? Self pity is the opposite of having faith. It is a sinkhole from which no rescuing hand can save you, because you have chosen to sink.
Those who are trying to help lift the spirits of those indulging in self pity often get discouraged because they don’t understand the basis of it. It will wear you out because you’re trying so hard to help someone and they don’t really want to be helped at all. They want to complain, but can’t see anything better:
Never shall . . . the lifeless heart delight in aught but in the withered bloom. For like seeketh like, and taketh pleasure in the company of its kind. (Baha’u'llah, The Persian Hidden Words 10)
We need to bring our fears into perspective: whether we live or whether we die, we belong to God. We weren’t created for our own pleasure, but to know and worship God. We need to abide by His Will, not our own.
We can take steps to freedom through faith or steps to bondage by fear. Both are a journey. Both are a choice. One leads to happiness; the other to misery. Self pity won’t let you take the journey. It keeps you stuck in the past, which is why you need to be constantly vigilant. Your lower nature is just waiting to lure you back into the prison of self. Patience is needed, as is endurance and long suffering. Resisting self pity takes effort, but do does staying in it.
We’re told: “Draw nigh unto God and He will draw nigh unto you” – not the other way around.
Draw nigh unto Him with a pure heart, cheerful face, gazing eye and a joyful spirit and plunge with thy whole being into the sea of the love of God and forget all else save Him, so that thou mayest be filled with such spiritual sentiments from the kingdom of God, which will take the reins of desire from thy hands and move thee with the power of thy Lord, just as the wind moveth a mote in the open air as it willeth. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 200)
But in order to do it, it requires an act of faith on your part, and the rewards are great:
If a soul of his own accord advances toward God he will be accepted at the Threshold of Oneness, for such a one is free of personal considerations, of greed and selfish interests, and he has taken refuge within the sheltering protection of his Lord. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 46)
The troubles of this world pass, and what we have left is what we have made of our souls, so it is to this we must look to becoming more spiritual, drawing nearer to God, no matter what our human minds and bodies go through. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 296)
Self pity doesn’t trust anything. It always wants to be convinced. By always looking for proof, it can’t have faith.
It is such faith which sufficeth above all the things that exist on the earth, whereas no created thing on earth besides faith would suffice thee. (The Báb, Selections from the Writings of the Báb, p. 122)
Without knowledge, you can’t have faith, which is why we’re told to read the Writings twice a day. It’s the only way we can know truth from falsehood. With faith comes our powers and blessings:
As ye have faith so shall your powers and blessings be. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Readings, p. 313)
Reading the Words of God will give those with self pity, a proof they can hang on to:
If thou dost ponder a while, it will be evident that it is incumbent upon a lowly servant to acquiesce to whatever proof God hath appointed, and not to follow his own idle fancy. (The Báb, Selections from the Writings of the Báb, p. 122)
But even without the Writings, we can have faith:
The early believers in both the East and the West, we must always remember, knew practically nothing compared to what the average Bahá’í knows about his Faith nowadays; yet they were the ones who shed their blood, the ones who arose and said: ‘I believe’, requiring no proof, and often never having read a single word of the Teachings. (Rúhiyyih Khánum, The Priceless Pearl, p. 322)
7. Idolatry: Self pity can be a form of idolatry, where you think the world rises and sets on you. For example, my self pity resulted in vain imaginings which had me believe that “if those who abused me knew that I was a noble being, they never would have treated me like that”, when in fact, their behavior had nothing to do with me. I was just the dumping ground for decisions arising from their lower natures. Perhaps that’s why we’re told to have an outward looking orientation; to be of service to others, so that we don’t focus so much on our own poor selves:
The liberty that profiteth you is to be found nowhere except in complete servitude unto God, the Eternal Truth. Whoso hath tasted of its sweetness will refuse to barter it for all the dominion of earth and heaven. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 335)
I hope that thou wilt cut thyself from all that is in this world; wilt sever thyself from all desires of this transitory world; wilt attach thy heart entirely to the light of truth and wilt, at all times, rise in the service of truth in the rose-garden of God. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 131)
8. Pride: Self pity (along with boasting) is one of the highest forms of pride, as you feel pride in your suffering. When people don’t want to get out of their slump of self-pity, resisting any efforts people make to try to make things better, it’s a form of pride, and Bahá’u'lláh tells us that this makes any kind of improvement impossible.
In brief, the pride and vanity of certain of the peoples of the world have made havoc of true understanding, and laid waste the home of justice and of equity. (Baha’u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 76)
Some people find it hard to think of self pity as a form of pride, because it often masks as self sacrifice. But it’s really a need arising from a wounded ego. For example, perhaps you feel sorry for all the tribulations you’ve had in life, and the effects it’s had on you. But you don’t want people to see you as helpless, so you try to do everything for yourself, without letting anyone help you. One thing you can remind yourself that it’s OK to be “broken” is to imagine yourself in this phrase:
O God, O God! This is a broken-winged bird and his flight is very slow — assist him so that he may fly toward the apex of prosperity and salvation, wing his way with the utmost joy and happiness throughout the illimitable space, raise his melody in Thy Supreme Name in all the regions, exhilarate the ears with this call, and brighten the eyes by beholding the signs of guidance. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of the Divine Plan, p. 89)
It’s a form of pride when we exalt ourselves above God’s truth, which tells us we’ll always have adversity; we’ll always suffer but it’s all designed for the perfection of our souls.
Moreover, these afflictions shall be the cause of great advancement. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 238-239)
Self pity comes from our lower nature. It’s a form of pride and idolatry when we make our suffering higher than God and His goodness. We’re drawn away from God by our own lusts, our own affections. Many of God’s people can’t feel His love because they’re stuck in the addiction of self pity. The love is there but it’s walled off from them. They can’t take the action required to:
Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. (Baha’u'llah, The Arabic Hidden Words 5)
God has a different way of looking at life than we do. We are limited in our understanding. In His mercy, He’s sent us His Manifestations, to provide us with glimpses into His way of thinking.
Our purpose in life is to know God and to worship Him (or love Him). We need to want to please God more than we want anything else in life. And the best way to love God is to love one another:
The best way to thank God is to love one another. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 468)
9. Despair is the absolute extreme of self love; it turns its back on help so it can enjoy the luxury of being lost. It’s a form of hopelessness:
Things have come to such a pass that hope hath well nigh been banished from the hearts of Thy chosen ones, and the breaths of despair are ready to seize them, by reason of what hath befallen them in Thy days. (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 335-336)
Despair is all you will get from self pity:
Despair, both here and hereafter, is all you will gain from self-indulgence . . . (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Secret of Divine Civilization, p. 104-105)
We can’t fulfill our duties as teachers of the faith as long as we stay in self pity:
At this exact time in history when the peoples of the world are weighed down with soul-crushing difficulties and the shadow of despair threatens to eclipse the light of hope, there must be revived among the individual believers a sense of mission, a feeling of empowerment to minister to the urgent need of humanity for guidance and thus to win victories for the Faith in their own sphere of life. (Universal House of Justice, Unlocking the Power of Action)
10. Manipulative: Self pity is often used to manipulate others; to make them feel guilty, and if you don’t yield, they use anger in order to control you. This is the standard we are called on to have:
Amongst all the teeming masses of the earth, only this community of the Most Great Name is free and clear of human schemes and hath no selfish purpose to promote. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 70)
What has been your experiences with self pity? Post your comments here:
Other articles in this series:
How do we know if we’ve got it?
Why should we stop feeling sorry for ourselves?
by Susan Gammage “Remember My days during thy days, and My distress and banishment in this remote prison . . .” (Bahá’u’lláh) When I was in the deepest despair, remembering traumatic events of my childhood, I came across this quote, which helped to lift me out of my “self”. I was feeling a lot of [...]
by Susan Gammage
“Remember My days during thy days, and My distress and banishment in this remote prison . . .” (Bahá’u'lláh)
When I was in the deepest despair, remembering traumatic events of my childhood, I came across this quote, which helped to lift me out of my “self”. I was feeling a lot of “poor me” and “why did this have to happen to me”, and then I had to stop and remember Bahá’u'lláh’s days.
Bahá’u'lláh was born into a wealthy family and was expected to follow his father into an important position in the government of Persia (Iran). He didn’t want the position or the power. Instead He wanted to dedicate Himself to helping the oppressed, sick and poor and to champion the cause of justice.
As a result, his life included a series of imprisonments, and banishments. At one point He was imprisoned for four months in an underground reservoir for a public bath, with its only outlet a single passage down three steep flights of stone steps. He sat with his feet in stocks and a 100-pound iron chain around his neck. He and His fellow prisoners (150 thieves, murders and highwaymen) huddled in their own bodily wastes, languishing in the pit’s inky gloom, subterranean cold and vermin and stench-ridden atmosphere.
When he was freed from prison, He and His family were banished to Bagdad (Iraq), a 3 month journey on foot over the mountains in the middle of winter without enough food.
“The throat Thou didst accustom to the touch of silk Thou hast, in the end, clasped with strong chains, and the body Thou didst ease with brocades and velvets Thou hast at last subjected to the abasement of a dungeon. Thy decree hath shackled Me with unnumbered fetters, and cast about My neck chains that none can sunder . . . How many the nights during which the weight of chains and fetters allowed Me no rest, and how numerous the days during which peace and tranquility were denied Me . . . Both bread and water . . . they have, for a time, forbidden unto this servant . . . and Thy behest summoned this servant to depart out of Persia, accompanied by a number of frail-bodied men and children of tender age, at this time when the cold is so intense that one cannot even speak, and ice and snow so abundant that it is impossible to move”. (Shoghi Effendi, God Passes By, p. 109)
He stayed in Bagdad for 7 years, and then was banished again to Constantinople (Turkey), where he stayed for four months, and then was exiled again to Adrianople (Turkey). Again it was in winter and they didn’t have the proper clothes to protect them from the harsh weather. In order to drink, they had to light a fire to thaw ice from springs along the way. He stayed there for four and a half years and then was banished to the prison city of ‘Akká (Israel), to which the worst criminals were sent. He remained there for the rest of His life (24 years).
He was discredited by His uncle, poisoned by his jealous half-brother and witnessed the death of His son. He was betrayed by people He trusted, stoned, and isolated from the Believers. For a time, to protect the Faith from the efforts of His half-brother, He lived as a hermit. He was the victim of ignorance, injustice, cruelty and fanaticism.
But every crisis was followed by victory, and this, I believe, is what is important to remember.
Although my repressed memories included all the positive and neutral memories too, once they came back I was able to see that like Bahá’u'lláh, there were times in my life that were peaceful, and activities that weren’t abusive. From anger I learned to find my voice and take action. From poverty I was protected from materialism and learned to rely on God. From estrangement I gained knowledge of myself, and through it, knowledge of God. From being silenced, I was protected from backbiting and gossip.
So when you’re feeling in the pit of despair, I urge you to remember not only the negative things that happened to you, and to Bahá’u'lláh, but to remember the victories that came from them as well.
What are your experiences with crisis and victory? Post your comments here.
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