In my blog posting “Primary Relationships”, I looked at how God comes first, your spouse second and everyone else after that.  A reader asked some very important questions: the rest of the non-Baha’i world that is either atheist or agnostic seems to believe that familial relationships can be cultivated without God’s assistance. While I believe [...]

In my blog posting “Primary Relationships”, I looked at how God comes first, your spouse second and everyone else after that.  A reader asked some very important questions:

• the rest of the non-Baha’i world that is either atheist or agnostic seems to believe that familial relationships can be cultivated without God’s assistance.
• While I believe in a strong deference to God, it is difficult for me to accept that we can only know others through God.
• I am Bahá’í and marrying into a Baha’i family, but what about those who parent(s) are not Bahá’í, does this mean that they will necessarily be handicapped in their family closeness because one party is choosing not to look at it through God’s eyes?

There’s a lot to think about for each of these questions, and like everything in the Faith, there are no easy or simple answers.  As a result, I thought these questions deserved a blog posting all of its own.

First of all, the point I was trying to make in the previous posting, is that the easiest way to get closer to each other is to get closer to God.  Obviously this is easier if both parties believe in God and are willing to move towards Him!  As the diagram below shows, the relationship would be closer than if neither partner was moving closer to God, but not nearly as close as it could be.

The reason the Manifestations of God have come to earth is because mankind has turned away from God’s injunctions.  Everything is easier when we follow His guidance no matter in which religion it is found.   Many people think they can make their own decisions or do things their way, but without God as the uniting factor, it won’t work.  Shoghi Effendi tells us how the pendulum can swing from one extreme to another, and then back again:

These fashions are not permanent they are bound to change. Today the fad is a materialistic view of life and of the world. A day will soon come when it will become deeply religious and spiritual. In fact, we can discern the beginning of such a change in the writings of some of the most eminent souls and liberal minds. When the pendulum will start its full swing then we shall see all such eminent men turn again to God.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 211)

Today as our reader observed, our society is largely content to go through life without God.

All religions have some form of the “Golden Rule” which guides human relationships, and without it, we’re rudderless.  In the following quote we see the state of the world at the time of Baha’u'llah; and the effect His teachings have had on people:

In the nineteenth century strife and hostility prevailed among the people of the Orient. Apathy and ignorance characterized the nations. They were indeed gloomy and dark, negligent of God and under the subjection of the baser instincts and passions of mankind. The struggle for existence was intense and universal. At such a time as this Bahá’u'lláh appeared among them like a luminary in the heavens. He flooded the East with light. He proclaimed new principles and teachings. He laid a basis for new institutions which are the very spirit of modernism, the light of the world, the development of the body politic and eternal honor.

The souls who hearkened to these teachings among the various oriental nations immediately renounced the spirit of strife and hostility and began to associate in goodwill and fellowship. From extremes of animosity they attained the acme of love and brotherhood. They had been warring and quarreling; now they became loving and lived together in complete unity and agreement.

Among them today you will find no religious, political or patriotic prejudice; they are friendly, loving and associate in the greatest happiness. They have no part in the war and strife which take place in the East; their attitude toward all men is that of goodwill and loving-kindness. A standard of universal peace has been unfurled among them. The light of guidance has flooded their souls. It is light upon light, love upon love.

This is the education and training of Bahá’u'lláh. He has led these souls to this standard and given them teachings which ensure eternal illumination. Anyone who becomes well versed in His teachings will say, “Verily, I declare that these words constitute the illumination of humanity, that this is the everlasting honor, that these are heavenly precepts and the cause of never-ending life among men.  (Abdu’l-Baha, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 401)

As the effects of the Revelation of Baha’u'llah begin to permeate the consciousness of the world, we’ll see God put back into the equation. Without God in the equation, none of our relationships can be as strong as they could be; and in fact the glue that holds them together is not strong enough to hold.

But the love which sometimes exists between friends is not (true) love, because it is subject to transmutation; this is merely fascination. As the breeze blows, the slender trees yield. If the wind is in the East the tree leans to the West, and if the wind turns to the West the tree leans to the East. This kind of love is originated by the accidental conditions of life. This is not love, it is merely acquaintanceship; it is subject to change.   Today you will see two souls apparently in close friendship; tomorrow all this may be changed. Yesterday they were ready to die for one another, today they shun one another’s society! This is not love; it is the yielding of the hearts to the accidents of life. When that which has caused this “love” to exist passes, the love passes also; this is not in reality love. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Paris Talks, pp. 179-181)

In her diary, Juliet Thompson quotes ‘Abdu’l-Bahá as using this analogy:

Now associate with good people. You must try to associate with those who will do you good and who will be the cause of your being more awakened, and not with those who will make you negligent of God. For example, if one goes into a garden and associates with flowers, one will surely inhale the beautiful fragrance, but if one goes to a place where there are bad-scented plants, it is sure he will inhale an unpleasant odour. In short, I mean that you will try to be with those who are purified and sanctified souls. Man must always associate with those from whom he can get light, or be with those to whom he can give light. He must either receive or give instructions. Otherwise, being with people without these two intentions, he is spending his time for nothing, and, by so doing, he is neither gaining nor causing others to gain.  (The Diary of Juliet Thompson)

‘Abdu’l-Bahá further tells us the difference between associating with those who have God in their hearts:

True friends are even as skilled physicians, and the Teachings of God are as healing balm, a medicine for the conscience of man. They clear the head, so that a man can breathe them in and delight in their sweet fragrance. They waken those who sleep. They bring awareness to the unheeding, and a portion to the outcast, and to the hopeless, hope.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 23)

He further tells us:

When any souls grow to be true believers, they will attain a spiritual relationship with one another, and show forth a tenderness which is not of this world. They will, all of them, become elated from a draught of divine love, and that union of theirs, that connection, will also abide forever. Souls, that is, who will consign their own selves to oblivion, strip from themselves the defects of humankind, and unchain themselves from human bondage, will beyond any doubt be illumined with the heavenly splendours of oneness, and will all attain unto real union in the world that dieth not.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 84-85)

Without the love of God in our hearts, we will never be able to attain the standard the Faith sets before us for turning strangers into friends:

One of the teachings is that love and faithfulness must so prevail in the hearts that men may see the stranger as a friend, the sinner as an intimate fellow, may count enemies as allies, regard foes as loving comrades, call their executioner the giver of life, and consider the denier as a believer and the unbeliever as a faithful one — that is, men must behave in such a manner as may befit the believers, the faithful, the friend and the confidant. If this lamp may shine in a befitting manner in the assemblage of the world you will find that the regions will become fragrant and the world will become a delectable paradise, the surface of the earth will become an excellent garden, the world will become as one home, the different nations will become as one kind, and the peoples and nationalities of the East and West will become as one household. I hope such a day will come and such lights may dawn and such a Countenance may appear in the utmost beauty.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 479)

Spiritual relationships endure through all the worlds of God:

Bodily relationships may pass; even two sisters may be inimical to each other, but the spiritual relationship is eternal, and brings about mutual love and service.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in London, p. 75)

Marriage should lead to a profound friendship of spirit, which will endure in the next world, where there is no sex, and no giving and taking in marriage; just the way we should establish with our parents, our children, our brothers and sisters and friends deep spiritual bond which will be ever-lasting, and not merely physical bonds of human relationship.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 206)

As we know from the short obligatory prayer, the purpose of every soul in this world is to know and worship God;

I bear witness, O my God, that Thou hast created me to know Thee and to worship Thee. (Baha’u'llah, Baha’i Prayers, p. 3)

When we say this prayer every day, and strive to implement it in our own lives, we can’t help but draw closer to God.

We also know that even after death, all souls continue to progress towards God.

And now concerning thy question regarding the soul of man and its survival after death. Know thou of a truth that the soul, after its separation from the body, will continue to progress until it attaineth the presence of God, in a state and condition which neither the revolution of ages and centuries, nor the changes and chances of this world, can alter. It will endure as long as the Kingdom of God, His sovereignty, His dominion and power will endure. It will manifest the signs of God and His attributes, and will reveal His loving kindness and bounty.  (Bahá’u’lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 155-156)

Obviously there are many paths to God, and it’s even been said that “there are not atheists in foxholes”, meaning that when the tests get most severe, even an atheist will reach out to God.   God doesn’t distinguish between Bahá’í or non-Bahá’í.  Even when relationships are strained in this world, there is hope for closeness in the next world:

Are not all the people in that world the creatures of God? Therefore, in that world also they can make progress. As here they can receive light by their supplications, there also they can plead for forgiveness and receive light through entreaties and supplications. Thus as souls in this world, through the help of the supplications, the entreaties and the prayers of the holy ones, can acquire development, so is it the same after death. Through their own prayers and supplications they can also progress, more especially when they are the object of the intercession of the Holy Manifestations.  (Adib Taherzadeh, The Covenant of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 17)

Those of us who are Bahá’í know that spiritual relationships are stronger than blood relationships:

The friends should … draw closer to each other, knowing that they form one spiritual family, closer to each other, in the sight of God, than those united by ties of blood.  (From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi, 8 May, 1948).

This doesn’t mean that we won’t see our non-Bahá’í loved ones in the next world.  Far from it, as ‘Abdu’l-Bahá tells us:

A love that one may have entertained for any one will not be forgotten in the world of the Kingdom. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 205-206)

When family members are focused on God, there is more likely to be unity in a family, which will have a positive effect on the whole family:

Note ye how easily, where unity existeth in a given family, the affairs of that family are conducted; what progress the members of that family make, how they prosper in the world. Their concerns are in order, they enjoy comfort and tranquility, they are secure, their position is assured, they come to be envied by all.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 278)

On a practical level, Baha’u'llah gives us some guidance on how we can do this:

If any differences arise amongst you, behold Me standing before your face, and overlook the faults of one another for My name’s sake and as a token of your love for My manifest and resplendent Cause.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 315)

Forming friendships with those who think they can do it without God are to be avoided as a protection to ourselves:

Expect not that they who violate the ordinances of God will be trustworthy or sincere in the faith they profess. Avoid them, and preserve strict guard over thyself, lest their devices and mischief hurt thee. Turn away from them, and fix thy gaze upon God, thy Lord, the All-Glorious, the Most Bountiful. He that giveth up himself wholly to God, God shall, assuredly, be with him; and he that placeth his complete trust in God, God shall, verily, protect him from whatsoever may harm him, and shield him from the wickedness of every evil plotter.”
(Baha’u'llah, The Summons of the Lord of Hosts, p. 210)

A good test you can use is to ask yourself:  after I have contact with this person, is my faith strengthened or weakened? Is my commitment to the laws of God strengthened or weakened?

Then act accordingly.

When we take Baha’u'llah’s injunctions seriously and to seek the company of the righteous, we will draw closer to God; have more unified relationships; and ensure happiness in all the worlds of God.

 

I think that’s a good reason to put God at the core of all of our relationships.  What do you think?

 

Click here to read “Primary Relationships”

 

 

 

Put the Glass Down By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’…. The students answered, “I really don’t [...]

Put the Glass Down

By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich

http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm

Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’….

The students answered, “I really don’t know unless I weigh it.”

The professor said, ‘now, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?’

‘Nothing’ the students said.

“OK what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?” the professor asked.

“Your arm would begin to ache” said one of the students.

“You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”

“Your arm could go numb; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis; have to go to hospital for sure! Ventured another student”, all the students laughed.

“Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?” Asked the professor.

“No” was the reply of all the students.

“Then what caused the arm to ache; the muscle to stress?” After a pause the professor asked “Before my arm ache, what should I do?”

The students were puzzled.

“Put the glass down!” said one of the students.

“Exactly!” said the professor, “Life’s problems are exactly like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK. Think of them for a long time; they begin to ache. Hold it even longer; they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.”

It’s important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to ‘put them down’ at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh; strong; can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!

Remember to put the glass down everyday!

 

Feeling judged by others is a fairly universal theme among my clients and friends, so I wanted to share some insights I’ve gained which might help you reframe the way you hear hurtful comments. The spiritual principles you need to understand are the relationship between our lower and higher natures, the principle of neither giving [...]

Feeling judged by others is a fairly universal theme among my clients and friends, so I wanted to share some insights I’ve gained which might help you reframe the way you hear hurtful comments.

The spiritual principles you need to understand are the relationship between our lower and higher natures, the principle of neither giving offence nor taking offence; and the concept of “love languages”.

Dual Natures:

We were born with both a higher and lower nature.  The lower nature is the voice of the ego, and the higher nature is the voice of God.  You can tell the difference between the two, because one is judging and condemning, and the other is pure love.

It’s common to hear “you should” . . . and immediately go to “I’m not good enough”.  Both sentences are lies emanating from our lower nature!  The only one who knows what you should do, is God, and you can know His will for you through the Bahá’í Writings.

The truth is that God created you perfect . . .

With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof.  (Baha’u'llah, Hidden Words, Arabic 12)

. . . and noble,

Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Hidden Words, Arabic 22).

We abase ourselves every time we act from the lower nature, by putting ourselves down or allowing others to do so.   You’re good enough for God, and that’s all that matters.

Giving and taking offence:

To protect us from ourselves, the Bahá’í Writings tell us we’re not to give offence nor take offence:

Thus no member should ever allow himself to be prevented from expressing frankly his view because it may offend a fellow member; and, realizing this, no member should take offence at another member’s statements.  (Universal House of Justice,  Lights of Guidance, p. 179-180)

When we “give offence” we are deliberately saying things designed to oppress a soul – another “no-no” in our Faith:

There is no fire in the eyes of those who have known God and His signs, fiercer than to transgress His laws and to oppress another soul, even to the extent of a mustard seed.  (The Bab, Selections from the Writings of the Bab, p. 79)

“Taking offence” means believing someone else’s lie – something spoken from their lower nature.  The best remedy for that is to see them as captives of their lower nature, and forgive them:

If someone commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 453)

Language of love

Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book called “The Five Languages of Love”.  In it, he identifies 5 ways in which people demonstrate their love for each other:

Words of Affirmation:  If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.

Quality Time:  In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.

Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Acts of Service:  Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.

Physical Touch:  A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

For example, I’m a person who values quality time and acts of service, and don’t particularly care about getting gifts.  As a life coach, I’m likely to think deeply about what my clients tell me and sometimes go overboard finding the exact quotes from the Bahá’í Writings which might help them solve their problems.  Sometimes, clients who value words of affirmation “take offence” because I give them lengthy responses which turn into blog postings instead of simply affirming that they are OK where they are.  They feel judged instead of feeling loved, and “take offence” when no offence was intended.  They don’t understand that I was only acting out of my “love language”.

A note to my life coaching clients:  You can be 95% certain that whatever I say, I am not judging you (the other 5% is because I’m human!)  One thing you can know for sure, though, is that I can’t bear to give offense.  If I know I’ve hurt someone, it hurts me even worse!

Click here to find out what your love language is.  You don’t need to give your name and email address.  Just click on “skip this step”.

How has your life been affected by giving or taking offence?  Post your comments here:

 

 

I had an email from a loyal reader to this blog, who asked:  I have a daughter who is supposed to marry [someone from another religion] and initially she discussed having two marriage services as is done when there are two religions involved. Now she sent her uncle to tell us that she has dropped [...]

I had an email from a loyal reader to this blog, who asked:

 I have a daughter who is supposed to marry [someone from another religion] and initially she discussed having two marriage services as is done when there are two religions involved. Now she sent her uncle to tell us that she has dropped being a Bahá’í and she has been avoiding to come to our house though it is in the same city. Obviously we are distressed. I have tried to call her and invite her, but she keeps saying when she finds time, she will come.  What do you suggest?

I replied:

It seems to me there are several issues at play here.  One is your love for your daughter and the pain of her betrayal.  Instead of consulting with you directly, she sent her uncle, and now she avoids you entirely.  I’m sure it’s because of this pain it causes, that Baha’u'llah has told us:

 Nothing whatsoever can, in this Day, inflict a greater harm upon this Cause than . . . estrangement . . . among the loved ones of God.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p.

Much though you want to remove the estrangement, you can’t do it by yourself.  It’s important for you to understand what part of this is your test and what belongs to others.  In Alcoholics Anonymous, they say this prayer, which I think is relevant to you:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It’s important to keep in mind that there are several forces at play here:

1. Your relationship with God:  As much as you love your daughter, this has to be your primary relationship.  Concentrate your energies on strengthening this bond.

The best way to do this is to realize that God’s plans are always better than ours, so even though we think we know what might be best in this situation, God knows best.

Can humanity conceive a plan and policy better and superior to that of God? It is certain that no matter how capable man may be in origination of plan and organization of purpose, his efforts will be inadequate when compared with the divine plan and purpose; for the policy of God is perfect. Therefore, we must follow the will and plan of God.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 127)

What can you do to trust Him?  Remember the Bahá’í marriage vow:  “We will all, verily, abide by the will of God”.  I don’t know if you had a Bahá’í marriage or not, but ultimately, this is our whole purpose in life.  To know God and to worship Him is all about abiding by His will.

It’s easy, when life throws us a curveball, to get distracted and forget how to know and worship God.  Ask yourself:  are you continuing to pray and read the Writings morning and night?  Are you giving sacrificially to the fund?  Is your Right of God up to date?  Are you teaching the Faith and finding ways to be of service to others every day?

If you have weaknesses in any of these areas, there are veils between you and God that can be removed.  Focus all your attention on strengthening your relationship to God, and the pain of your daughter’s betrayal will lessen.

2.  Your relationship with your husband:  You didn’t mention if he is still part of your life, but if he is, your relationship to him has to come before your relationship with your daughter.

The House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá’u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

You will be with him through all the worlds of God, whereas your daughter will go through all the worlds of God with her husband.

When two people, husband and wife for instance, have been completely united in this life their souls being as one soul, then after one of them has passed away, this union of heart and soul would remain unbroken. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Abdu’l-Bahá in London, p. 75)

If you concentrate on what you can do to bring unity to your marriage, you will have less time to feel the pain of your daughter’s decision.

3. Your relationship with your daughter:  Much though it causes you suffering, you are powerless to make her talk to you when she’s determined not to.  The best you can do is to pray for her, love her, support her, respect her decisions and be there for her when she’s ready to come back.  This is the best way to prevent estrangement from taking root.

Where love, respect and courtesy are genuinely and mutually expressed, estrangement finds no accommodation and problems become soluble challenges.  (The Universal House of Justice, 1994 May 19, response to US NSA)

You can ask to consult with her, but it will have to be when she’s ready.

Bahá’u'lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

When you do consult together, let these principles guide your discussion:

The prime requisites for them that take counsel together are purity of motive, radiance of spirit, detachment from all else save God, attraction to His Divine Fragrances, humility and lowliness amongst His loved ones, patience and long-suffering in difficulties and servitude to His exalted Threshold.  Should they be graciously aided to acquire these attributes, victory from the unseen Kingdom of Bahá shall be vouchsafed to them.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i Administration, p. 21-22)

4. Your relationship with your future son-in-law:  There is nothing you can do for him either.

You didn’t mention why your daughter stopped being a Bahá’í, but my hunch is that it might have been because her fiancé:

• didn’t want 2 marriage services?
• wanted the children raised as Catholic?
• didn’t want to commit to the Bahá’í marriage vow?

If her fiancé is the one behind your daughter’s decision to withdraw from the Faith, it will be easy to make him the scapegoat: blame him and gossip about him to others.  Both of these will destroy any future relationship you might have with him.  Hard as it will be for you, your job is to forgive him, and develop a level of insight which sees him captive to his lower nature.

As a devoted believer you are urged to strive to develop forgiveness in your heart toward your parents who have abused you in so disgraceful a manner, and to attain a level of insight which sees them as captives of their lower nature, whose actions can only lead them deeper into unhappiness and separation from God.   By this means, you can liberate yourself from the anger to which you refer in your letter, and foster your own spiritual development.  (The Universal House of Justice, 1985 Dec 02, Child Abuse, Psychology and Knowledge of Self)

5. The extended family’s relationship with the new couple:  This situation will be their test, but you can help them by being an example and role model:

The people of the world are carefully watching the Bahá’ís today, and minutely observing them. The believers must make every effort, and take the utmost care to ward off and remove any feelings of estrangement.  (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khanum, p. 207)

Focus on finding positive things to say about the situation instead of negative.  This will be hard, but some that come to mind are:

• It’s good that my daughter is making decisions for herself.
• Even if she’s making the wrong decisions, that’s how she will grow.
• God has a plan for my daughter and her husband.  I don’t know what it is, but I’m sure it’s a good one.

6. Your daughter’s relationship with you:  This might be your hardest test, because you long for her to talk to you again and you want to help her plan her wedding.

It’s wonderful that she’s continuing to take your phone calls!  This is a positive sign!  You need to trust her when she says “when she has time, she will come”.  Because she has committed herself to creating the institution of marriage, she now has other obligations pulling at her time and energy.

A Bahá’í who is married to a non-Bahá’í may well have to limit his activities to same degree in order to maintain the unity of his family. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 86)

Whereas she was your “little girl” for the past couple of decades, she isn’t any more.  This is one of the hardest and most painful parts of being a parent!  We long to give our children roots and wings, but when they take flight without us and leave us behind, it’s very painful.

Something to keep in mind is that our time on earth vanishes in a twinkling of an eye, and God has promised us that in the next world we’ll not only recognize our loved ones, but be able to have a relationship with them for all of eternity:

And know thou for a certainty, that in the divine worlds, the spiritual beloved ones (believers) will recognize each other, and will seek union (with each other), but a spiritual union. Likewise, a love that one may have entertained for any one will not be forgotten in the world of the Kingdom.  (‘Abdul-Bahá, Tablets of ‘Abdul-Bahá, V1, p. 205)

In the following quote, “Abdu’l-Bahá is providing comfort for a mother whose son has died, but I think His advice makes sense in your situation too:

O thou beloved maid-servant of God, although the loss of a son is indeed heart-breaking and beyond the limits of human endur­ance, yet one who knoweth and understandeth is assured that the son hath not been lost but, rather, hast stepped from this world into another, and she will find him in the divine realm. That reunion shall be for eternity, while in this world separation is inevitable and bringeth with it a burning grief. Therefore be thou not disconsolate, do not languish, do not sigh, neither wail nor weep; for agitation and mourn­ing deeply affect his soul in the divine realm.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 201)

‘Abdu’l-Bahá is reminding us that we will be reunited with our loved ones, even if they are lost to us through death (or marriage); that separation is inevitable and brings on grief (which you are certainly experiencing currently); and He’s asking us not to sigh or weep because your mourning affects her soul.  I think that would be true in this world too.  If, in your interactions with your daughter, you are continually reminding her that she’s making the wrong decision, and of how much her actions hurt her, you will only drive a wedge between the two of you.

As hard as it will be for you to be loving, forgiving and respectful when you’re hurting, it will do two things:

• It will keep the doors of communication open
• You will pass this test and grow spiritually

We’re told to use words as “mild as milk” when we’re talking to people about difficult situations:

Every word is endowed with a spirit, therefore the speaker or expounder should carefully deliver his words at the appropriate time and place, for the impression which each word maketh is clearly evident and perceptible. The Great Being saith: One word may be likened unto fire, another unto light, and the influence which both exert is manifest in the world. Therefore an enlightened man of wisdom should primarily speak with words as mild as milk, that the children of men may be nurtured and edified thereby and may attain the ultimate goal of human existence which is the station of true understanding and nobility. And likewise He saith: One word is like unto springtime causing the tender saplings of the rose-garden of knowledge to become verdant and flourishing, while another word is even as a deadly poison. It behoveth a prudent man of wisdom to speak with utmost leniency and forbearance so that the sweetness of his words may induce everyone to attain that which befitteth man’s station.  (Bahá’u’lláh, Tablets of Bahá’u’lláh, p. 172-173)

I often find it helpful to put a picture of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá where I can see Him, when I’m talking to people and I want Divine Assistance.

If you seek immunity from the sway of the forces of the contingent world, hang the ‘Most Great Name’ in your dwelling, wear the ring of the ‘Most Great Name’ on your finger, place the picture of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá in your home and always recite the prayers that I have written. Then you will behold the marvellous effect they produce. Those so-called force will prove but illusions and will be wiped out and exterminated.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Lights of Guidance, p. 520)

It reminds me that “Abdu’l-Bahá is here with me and willing to help; and it reminds me to:

Look at me, follow me, be as I am . . . (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 503)

If you pray before you talk to your daughter, asking God to put the right words into your mouth, He will help.  I say the Tablet of Visitation for “Abdu’l-Bahá before difficult conversations, because He promises:

Whoso reciteth this prayer with lowliness and fervour will bring gladness and joy to the heart of this Servant; it will be even as meeting Him face to face.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 318)

When I say this prayer, I imagine bring Him into the meeting, so He can influence the discussion and move it to a spiritual plane.

I also often say the Long Healing Prayer, for the healing of painful relationships.  In it, we call on over 200 attributes of God.  I like to imagine that each attribute is a personality willing to bring a particular kind of help to the problem.  For example:

• The “Comforter” comes to heal your heart
• The “Best Lover” and “Friend” reminds you to put God as your primary relationship
• The “All-Forgiving” forgives her for withdrawing from the Faith; and for creating estrangement between the two of you; and it also forgives you for your part in the problem.
• The “Omniscient”, “Most Wise” and “All-Knowing One” remind you that God has a plan and can be trusted.
• The “Sustaining One” gets you through the pain, one day at a time, sustaining you in the spiritual world instead of letting you get trapped in the prison of self.
• The “Concealing One” conceals your sins and those of your daughter, so that you can keep them to yourself and prevent you from falling into gossip and backbiting.

. . . you get the idea!

I recommend that you sit down with a journal and write out all the names of God mentioned in this prayer, and see how each one can help bring peace to this situation.  It’s a very powerful meditation!

7. Your daughter’s relationship with her fiancé:  Because she is creating a fortress for well-being, her time and energy will naturally be spent in building up the institution of marriage.

The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.  If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of Divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven . . . Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 122)

As painful as it will be, you need to give her over to God, and to her new husband, so that she can build her fortress.  Do everything you can to support this fledgling union, and help her achieve unity with her husband, so that her marriage can flourish and last through all the worlds of God.

The second issue which is no doubt concerning you, is the issue of her resignation from the Faith.  The Writings tell us this happens for a number of reasons:

She might have needed more help and support than the Faith was able to give them:

If some of these isolated and inactive people gradually turn to other work than the Cause we should not always blame them — they probably needed more help, more stimulating more teaching and Bahá’í comradeship that they received.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 84)

She might have stopped developing her spiritual faculties and then couldn’t draw on the strength which the Faith has to offer (please don’t let this happen to you, or you won’t be able to help her at all!)

Many of those who drift away from the Cause do so for the reason that they had ceased to go on developing. They became complacent, or indifferent, and consequently ceased to draw the spiritual strength and vitality from the Cause which they should have.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113)

Perhaps she couldn’t pass the test given to her around the issue of marrying a non-Bahá’í, and perhaps bowed to pressure from her fiancé, or perhaps even chose a single ceremony in the misguided belief that it would bring unity to the marriage.

Sometimes, of course, people fail because of a test they just do not meet, and often our severest tests come from each other. (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 113)

Does she still believe in Baha’u'llah?  If so, she is still a Bahá’í.

To deny that one is a Bahá’í while one still believes in Bahá’u'lláh is not withdrawal, it is dissimulation of one’s faith, and Bahá’í laws does not countenance the dissimulation of a believer’s faith for the purpose of breaking the law. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 57-58)

If a believer who did not like a particular law were to be permitted to leave the community to break the law, and then rejoin with impunity, this would make a mockery of the Law of God… It is abundantly clear from his letters that he has continually believed in Bahá’u'lláh, that he know the law that marriage is conditioned on the consent of parents, that he dissimulated his faith in order to be able to break this law with impunity. He must, therefore, be regarded as a Bahá’í without administrative rights… (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 57-58)

I’m sure this must be of great concern to you, as her mother!

Judging her, lecturing her, nagging her – none of it will work.  True Bahá’í consultation is a better choice.

The atmosphere within a Bahá’í family as within the community as a whole should express ‘the keynote of the Cause of God’ which, the beloved Guardian has stated, ‘is not dictatorial authority but humble fellowship, not arbitrary power, but the spirit of frank and loving consultation’.  (Universal House of Justice December 28, 1980)

I highly recommend you take the issue to her Assembly, and request that they meet with her.

Often the most effective means to assist those who are wavering in their faith or having severe difficulties is to invite them to meet with the Assembly, or to send a mature and deepened believer to meet with them and discuss the nature of their belief and any other pertinent questions. (Universal House of Justice, NSA-USA, Developing Distinctive Bahá’í Communities)

When someone resigns from the Faith, the National Spiritual Assembly contacts the Local Spiritual Assembly for comments and request for assistance, where possible:

The National Spiritual Assembly at times receives letters directly from persons expressing a desire to leave the Faith. If they recant their faith, the National Spiritual Assembly will honor the requests to withdraw from Bahá’í membership. Likewise, if the person states that they have joined another Faith, the National Spiritual Assembly will accept their withdrawal since their action indicates that they no longer believe in Bahá’u'lláh. If no reasons are given and the persons live within the jurisdiction of a Local Spiritual Assembly, the Assembly will be asked for its comments and possible assistance in resolving whatever problems may have prompted the request. (Universal House of Justice, NSA-USA, Developing Distinctive Bahá’í Communities)

I’m sorry you’re having this test, and hope that you now have some ideas on how to handle it spiritually.

To conclude, here is a prayer you can say in moments of grief over the situation:

Dispel my grief by Thy bounty and Thy generosity, O God, my God, and banish mine anguish through Thy sovereignty and Thy might. Thou seest me, O my God, with my face set towards Thee at a time when sorrows have compassed me on every side. I implore Thee, O Thou Who art the Lord of all being, and overshadowest all things visible and invisible, by Thy Name whereby Thou hast subdued the hearts and the souls of men, and by the billows of the Ocean of Thy mercy and the splendors of the Day-Star of Thy bounty, to number me with them whom nothing whatsoever hath deterred from setting their faces toward Thee, O Thou Lord of all names and Maker of the heavens!  Thou beholdest, O my Lord, the things which have befallen me in Thy days. I entreat Thee, by Him Who is the Day-Spring of Thy names and the Dawning-Place of Thine attributes, to ordain for me what will enable me to arise to serve Thee and to extol Thy virtues. Thou art, verily, the Almighty, the Most Powerful, Who art wont to answer the prayers of all men!  (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 247)

 

  When we’ve been the victim of injustice, it’s easy to want to separate ourselves from the perpetrator.  Sometimes there is a good reason to do so, and sometimes it’s an opportunity to exercise our forgiveness muscle. God wants us to live peacefully with all men.  Easier said than done! If something happens to us [...]

 

When we’ve been the victim of injustice, it’s easy to want to separate ourselves from the perpetrator.  Sometimes there is a good reason to do so, and sometimes it’s an opportunity to exercise our forgiveness muscle.

God wants us to live peacefully with all men.  Easier said than done!

If something happens to us which we feel is unforgiveable, it can lead to estrangement and as you know from Ruhi Book 1:

Nothing whatsoever can, in this Day, inflict a greater harm upon this Cause than . . .  estrangement .  .  . among the loved ones of God. (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p.

This quote goes on to tell us what to do, if we notice ourselves falling into this trap (as I am, as I write a piece on bitterness for my blog!) What follows is a personal reflection on how to apply the Writings to a rather minor situation in the present.

My son has promised to do something I asked him to do, and nearly two weeks have passed and he still hasn’t done it.  Every day I look for evidence that he’s done it and every day I imagine a counter-action I could take as a result of my resentment.  Here God’s giving me a better way:

Flee them, through the power of God and His sovereign aid, and strive ye to knit together the hearts of men, in His Name, the Unifier, the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p.

So I understand that my job is to turn away from my first reaction (flee it); and trust that in doing so, the power of God’s aid will help me.  But how do I “knit our hearts together” when he is 3 hours away and doesn’t return phone calls or answer emails?  By thinking that way, I’m trying to take control instead of giving it to God.  I can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want me to do, but do I trust that God will?  And if so, how would my actions be different?  One way is to put aside what’s happened in the past.  Sure, he doesn’t answer calls and emails nearly as often as I’d like, but he sometimes does.  If I assume from past behavior that he won’t answer this time, I’m planting the seeds of estrangement and moving away from love and trust in the Unifier, the All-Knowing, the All-wise.  God knows what’s preventing him from doing what he said, and God is giving me tests designed for my spiritual growth.  So if my son did what he said he’d do when he said he would do it, I wouldn’t have a chance to stretch my “loving, forgiving, trusting and patience” wings or to prove to God that I trust Him.

But let’s also look at what else might be going on.  We can learn a lot about what ‘Abdu’l-Bahá says about “war” when we expand our understanding of this word to include the internal war raging within.  He tells us:

When all mankind shall receive the same opportunity of education and the equality of men and women be realized, the foundations of war will be utterly destroyed. Without equality this will be impossible because all differences and distinction are conducive to discord and strife. Equality between men and women is conducive to the abolition of warfare for the reason that women will never be willing to sanction it. Mothers will not give their sons as sacrifices upon the battlefield after twenty years of anxiety and loving devotion in rearing them from infancy, no matter what cause they are called upon to defend. There is no doubt that when women obtain equality of rights, war will entirely cease among mankind.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 175)

How might equality be playing a part in this problem between my son and I?  First of all, you need to remember that there was no equality demonstrated in my childhood, so I didn’t grow up knowing that everyone in a family has rights:

The integrity of the family bond must be constantly consid­ered and the rights of the individual members must not be transgressed. The rights of the son, the father, the mother – none of them must be transgressed, none of them must be arbitrary. Just as the son has cer­tain obligations to his father, the father, likewise, has certain obliga­tions to his son. The mother, the sister and other members of the house­hold have their certain prerogatives. All these rights and prerogatives must be conserved.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 168).

Because of this, I don’t know how to set good limits; or consult properly or even how to not take offense.  So whenever something happens to trigger a certain response, or push my buttons, I react out of fear, allowing thoughts such as these to emerge from my lower nature and then I dwell on them:

• He doesn’t love me
• He doesn’t have any respect for my needs and wishes.
• He promises things he has no intention of fulfilling.
• He isn’t listening to me.
• He’s treating me the way I was treated as a child.
• I ask too much of him.
• He doesn’t want my help.

I’m focused on “plowing his field” instead of plowing my own.  If I was, I would first focus on equality and consider how I would handle the situation differently if there wasn’t a power imbalance between us.  I might think such thoughts as:

• He’s proven to me over and over that he loves me.
• He’s said he would do it, so I can give him the time and space to do it.
• There might be factors going on in his life of which I have no knowledge.
• My relationship with him is not the same as my relationship with my parents.
• He’s still young and self-absorbed.  It isn’t a personal attack.

Changing my thoughts to these allows me to get on with my day in a much more peaceful way.

Forgiveness is the key to letting the bitterness go, so that God can step in and solve the problem:

Pray to God day and night and beg forgiveness and pardon. The omnipotence of God shall solve every difficulty.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 116)

Asking God’s forgiveness is a good place to start.  So this is what I need to ask forgiveness for:

O God, please forgive me for:

• Assuming the worst about my son.
• Assuming I know what’s in his heart.
• Assuming that he won’t respond to my calls and emails.
• Wanting to hurt him as much as he hurt me.
• Wanting to punish him instead of letting you take care of the justice.
• Thinking I know what he needs to do.
• Plowing his field instead of my own.
• Dwelling on this issue instead of focusing my energy on teaching and service
• Not trusting You to solve the problem.

Once I got that far, I went on to do something else, truly believing that the problem was in God’s hands, and that now that I’d passed the test (here’s my ego!), he would do what he promised.  I had to be patient, though, because it took nearly 2 weeks for it to happen, and I had to keep trusting God.

 

For more in this series:

Introduction to Bitterness:

Examples of Bitterness:

Bahá’í Quotes on Bitterness:

The 7 Underlings of Bitterness:

How Bitterness Works:

Causes of Bitterness:

Effects of Bitterness:

Warning Signs for Bitterness:

Solutions to Bitterness: