By a reader of this blog who wishes to remain anonymous A marriage is a relationship of mutuality, respect, commitment, and all of the other qualities described in the Writings. Any couple will have their ups and downs and tests, and are meant to help each other grow. Certainly there must be a spirit of [...]

By a reader of this blog who wishes to remain anonymous

A marriage is a relationship of mutuality, respect, commitment, and all of the other qualities described in the Writings. Any couple will have their ups and downs and tests, and are meant to help each other grow. Certainly there must be a spirit of compassion and forgiveness—the willingness to not hold grudges, not respond in kind to insults, and not escalate things in order to “win.” In the context of mutual commitment and respect, they should both exercise forbearance. At the same time, there will be no progress unless there is clarity and communication about what is going on—what each person observes and feels. Thus, there is a need for frankness in helping each other grow up. With this spirit, the couple’s marriage can become a “fortress for well-being” for themselves and their community.

In contrast, an abusive relationship is not a marriage; it is a situation where one person is trying to destroy the other. Therefore, there is nothing to preserve. It is not and can never become a “fortress for well-being.” It is a cauldron for passing on trauma to the next generation. The first priority is for the victim to see the situation clearly, the second is to remove himself or herself from the situation, the third is to seek help. If both people have a willingness to work together to try to heal the abuser through therapy, spiritual guidance, and prayer, that is the very best next step. None of this implies that the “victim” is perfect. However, the individual and couple cannot effectively work on these normal problems until the dynamics change, because one of the traits of the abuser is to blame the victim and render them impotent.

If the abuser truly cares about preserving the marriage and is willing to undertake a personal journey of understanding with a trusted therapist, they can begin to examine the sources of the destructive feelings—the feelings of pain, fear, and powerlessness that most likely contribute to the rage. This comes under the definition of “consulting a trusted physician.” Clinical psychology has a lot to offer in terms of understanding the problem—and that is the first step. True healing must be a spiritual process, but that does not preclude the understanding of human behaviour that has been developed in the twentieth century. If the abuser does not wish to cooperate in understanding what is going on, refuses to engage in any kind of counseling or therapy, then there is no hope. In that case, it must be clearly understood that the abuser is not interested in a healthy relationship and has effectively ended the marriage. The victim should not be blamed for giving up on the marriage. There is none.

If there is no willingness to work toward understanding and healing, then the victim would best be advised to get on with her/his life and find a partner which whom they can build a Bahá’í marriage that can be a blessing to the world. There is no virtue in staying with a destructive person and dysfunctional situation. There is no benefit to the person or the world. When there are children, separation is more difficult, but here is where a supportive community is essential to working things out in a way that protects the children. Children should not grow up to think that abusive behaviour is normal and feel unprotected from its impacts. They may not be able to get away from a relationship with the abusive parent, but if they see the other parent name what is going on and say “Stop,” then they have the power of the truth. Alice Miller talks about how having one supportive adult in their life that speaks the truth about their situation can enable a child to endure all sorts of oppression and come out healthy.

I recommend that you obtain this book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. I would love to discuss it and I wish I had read this forty years ago.

PERSONAL STORY

In my first marriage, to a very intelligent professional, I was essentially passive, easy-going, and timid in the face of intimidation. He was so bright and capable that I assumed he was always right. I didn’t know how to recognize and name bad behaviour! If I had stood up to these things from the beginning, the relationship might have been better in the long term. The other problem was that I was afraid of being alone. I clung to the security of the marriage because we had a good life—wilderness canoe trips, lots of friends, enough money, etc. In retrospect, I realize that he was not only cold and uncommunicative but had never been faithful to me, but something in me didn’t want to acknowledge the truth, let alone confront him.

After we had been together about five years, I saw the reality of it and went to a friend and asked if I could stay with her because I wanted to leave him. She talked me out of it!!! So, I didn’t have the courage to persist. I was only in my early thirties and had a life ahead of me. I could have had the opportunity to find a compatible partner and build a solid future. (My first husband had no interest in a spiritual life.)

After several years, we had a long awaited and much loved child. But when she was young, he told me that he had had a relationship with another woman and that he wished he could continue the relationship as well as the marriage. So I told him to forget it—and went on to be a single parent for the next twelve years. Luckily, he was a supportive father—although a cold personality

When the marriage ended, I was faced with a fork in the road. One side was the path of vengeance, the other of cooperation and respect. This was the biggest test of my life—to find the ability to mutually parent with him for the next twenty years and never speak disrespectfully about him to our daughter. My therapist was a spiritual person and her advice during that first critical time was to “detach” and “let God deal with them.” I felt myself consciously pulling back from the path of vengeance, thank God. That is the point where “forgiveness” was appropriate and necessary—the path was defined and one had to make it work as best possible.

Even so, my daughter tells me that I acted “too nice” with him. She thought I was a wimp in the face of his somewhat arrogant and cold behaviour toward me during our child-rearing period. In summary, there was virtue in carrying out our task as separated parents in an atmosphere of forgiveness rather than vengeance, but there was NO VIRTUE in having stayed with him against my better judgment in the early days. The foundation for a true marriage simply was not there. What I needed then was CLARITY and COURAGE. These also are virtues.

After writing all this, I am thinking that part of the preparation for Baha’i marriage should include descriptions of dysfunctional and destructive behaviour. One should become aware of such signs in choosing a partner, and after marriage, be able to realistically identify such attitudes and behaviours if they emerge—disrespect, dishonesty, lack of cooperation, lack of consultation, aggressive anger, intimidation, unfaithfulness, etc. If partners can name what they are seeing, the other person may learn something early on, rather than establishing a pattern.

I believe the Writings below encourage us to do just that–to trust our perceptions and speak the truth. Justice pervades life at all levels and we are always entitled to seek it. The quotes about the role of the institutions, it seems to me, are referring to more formal situations. But, there is much to be done on the individual and family level before taking these things to the institutions.

O SON OF SPIRIT!

The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.  (Baha’u'llah, the Arabic Hidden Words)

Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity. Without truthfulness, progress and success in all of the worlds of God are impossible for a soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also become realized.    (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 459)

 

 

  When most people marry, they hope it will be “till death do us part”, (if you’re Christian) or “through all the worlds of God” (if you’re Bahá’í). Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart . . . Their purpose must [...]

 

When most people marry, they hope it will be “till death do us part”, (if you’re Christian) or “through all the worlds of God” (if you’re Bahá’í).

Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart . . . Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity.   (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118)

In our current society, the statistics for divorce are shocking!  Some studies suggest that 50% of all marriages end in divorce; about one in four as a result of abuse of some kind, typically infidelity or physical or mental cruelty.

So what can we do to turn this around?  The Writings of the Bahá’í Faith offer a number of “checks and balances” to prevent it from happening.

Recognize that it is a “Divine Institution”:  A Bahá’í marriage is not a legally binding covenant, but a divine institution with a sacred purpose to have children.

The Bahá’í Teachings do not only encourage marital life, considering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially-conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a Divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race — which is the very flower of the entire creation — and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 281)

As an institution, it’s on par with other Bahá’í institutions such as:

• Institution of the Guardianship (Shoghi Effendi)
• Administrative institutions, both elected (Universal House of Justice, National and Local Spiritual Assemblies, Bahá’í Councils) and appointed (Hands of the Cause, counsellors, auxiliary board members and their assistants)
• Mashriqu’l-Adhkar (or houses of worship), described as “one of the most vital institutions in the world”
• War (a satanic institution)
• The covenant as an institution
• Charitable and philanthropic institutions
• Temples of learning and scientific institutions
• Parliaments
• The Bahá’í Fund and Huqúqu’lláh (the Right of God)
• Archives
• 19 Day Feast
• National Convention
• Summer Schools

Why is this important?  Because your marriage is one more refuge for a distraught populace; one more link in the oneness of mankind and one more servant, ministering to the needs of an ailing world!

Every institution of this Divinely created Order is one more refuge for a distraught populace; every soul illumined by the light of the sacred Message is one more link in the oneness of mankind, one more servant ministering to the needs of an ailing world.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 327)

If we truly understand the sacred nature and purpose, we would approach marriage differently.

Chastity before marriage:  While Bahá’í marriage is both physical and spiritual, the primary goal is for each person to improve the spiritual life of the other, so they can enjoy everlasting unity through all the worlds of God:

The true marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá’í marriage.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118)

For this reason, the standard is very high, the punishments are severe and the rewards are very great:

Chastity should be strictly practised by both sexes, not only because it is in itself highly commendable ethically, but also due to its being the only way to a happy and successful marital life . . . and whoso violates this rule will not only be responsible to God, but will incur the necessary punishment from society.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 344-345)

Chastity is “the only way to a happy and successful marital life”.  Without it, the marriage is doomed from the start.

If you feel pressured into having sex, keep this advice in mind:

Expect not that they who violate the ordinances of God will be trustworthy or sincere in the faith they profess. Avoid them, and preserve strict guard over thyself, lest their devices and mischief hurt thee. Turn away from them, and fix thy gaze upon God, thy Lord, the All-Glorious, the Most Bountiful.   (Baha’u'llah, The Proclamation of Baha’u'llah, p. 47)

Assess each other’s character:  Since there is a correlation between growing up in an abusive home to growing up to become an abuser, part of your assessment should be to examine the intergenerational cycles of violence in your partner’s family.  See how they treat their parents, siblings, and co-workers.

Bahá’í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other’s character.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Prayers, p. 103)

Parental Consent is required in order to insure unity in the family.  Parents can often see fatal flaws in a budding relationship better than those who are “in lust”.

As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118)

Payment of a Dowry:  Although this is not incumbent on the Bahá’ís in the west yet, it’s still a law in the Kitab-i-Aqdas, and should be considered as a way to help women escape abusive situations, since it provides her with a “nest egg” of her own.

No marriage may be contracted without payment of a dowry . . . to be paid by the bridegroom to the bride. It is fixed at 19 mithqals of pure gold for city-dwellers, and 19 mithqals of silver for village-dwellers (see note 94) . . . The law of Bahá’u'lláh . . . converts the dowry into a symbolic act whereby the bridegroom presents a gift of a certain limited value to the bride . . . The purpose is to promote the comfort of all, and to bring about concord and union among the people.  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 209)

Bahá’í Marriage Vow:  Both partners in a marriage are required to repeat the same verse:

For men: “We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.” For women: “We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.”  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 105)

This is not just a verse to be said at the time of marriage, but a prescription for living.  It reminds both partners to always turn to God first, before making any decision or before consulting with each other.  This verse creates a bond which becomes a covenant for the marriage:

This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Prayers, p. 103)

 The Bahá’í Standard of Marriage:  The Bahá’í Writings are full of wonderful descriptions about the ideal to strive towards; the rewards for doing so; and the punishments for not.  This is a great assistance to couples, who can use it to come back to with every interaction and every decision they make together.  This is one of my favorites:

The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.  If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.  Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 122)

Baha’u'llah refers to marriage as a fortress for well-being and salvation:

Bahá’u'lláh, in one of His Tablets, states that God, in establishing this law, has made marriage “a fortress for well-being and salvation”.  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 205)

A condition of this fortress is that you are no longer two separate people, but one:

Now you two are no longer two, but one. Bahá’u'lláh’s wish is that all men be of one mind and consider themselves of one great household, that the mind of mankind be not divided against itself.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Abdu’l-Bahá in London, p. 78)

Have you ever taken a string and tried to break it?  It can break fairly easily with enough pressure, but if you take the strings and braid them into rope, it’s a lot harder.  Everything a couple says and does needs to be mindful of their place in the fortress, with the intention of building it up and making it stronger.  If you are busy building, you won’t have time to tear it down.

Another analogy used for marriages is this:

In this glorious [Bahá’í] Cause the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven—a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Compilation of Compilations, Vol. I, p. 397)

Before a couple even marries, they should be discussing these quotes as a part of getting to know each other’s character.  If they are not willing to adhere to these standards, it’s better to look for someone who will.  We often think that our love will change the other person, but it’s much more likely that the “red flags” you notice when you’re going out together, will stay with the person throughout the marriage.

Understanding the importance of its Spiritual Nature:  Many people agree to marry based on a mutual physical attraction to each other, which, while important, is not the most important.

Bahá’u'lláh has urged marriage upon all people as the natural and rightful way of life. He has also, however, placed strong emphasis on its spiritual nature, which, while in no way precluding a normal physical life, is the most essential aspect of marriage. That two people should live their lives in love and harmony is of far greater importance than that they should be consumed with passion for each other. The one is a great rock of strength on which to learn in time of need; the other a purely temporary thing which may at any time die out.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 378-379)

Confidentiality:  So much damage in a marriage is done by gossip and backbiting.  If an injured party “dumps” their frustration on someone else, venting their trouble and frustration, it causes alienation and estrangement, which compounds the problems.

If any soul speak ill of an absent one, the only result will clearly be this: he will dampen the zeal of the friends and tend to make them indifferent. For backbiting is divisive, it is the leading cause among the friends of a disposition to withdraw. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Selections From The Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pp. 230-231)

While it is possible to discuss problems without naming names;

You ask in your letter for guidance on the implications of the prohibitions on backbiting and more specifically whether, in moments of anger or depression, the believer is permitted to turn to his friends to unburden his soul and discuss his problem in human relations. Normally, it is possible to describe the situation surrounding a problem and seek help and advice in resolving it, without necessarily mentioning names. The individual believer should seek to do this, whether he is consulting a friend, Bahá’í or non-Bahá’í, or whether the friend is consulting him.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 90)

It’s also important to keep certain matters confidential:

Every institution in the Faith has certain matters which it considers should be kept confidential, and any member who is privy to such confidential information is obliged to preserve the confidentiality within the institution where he learned it. Such matters, however, are but a small portion of the business of any Bahá’í institution. Most subjects dealt with are of common interest and can be discussed openly with anyone. Where no confidentiality is involved the institutions must strive to avoid the stifling atmosphere of secrecy; on the other hand, every believer mist know that he can confide a personal problem to an institution of the Faith, with the assurance that knowledge of the matter will remain confidential.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 334)

Understanding the cycles:  Sometimes I find quotes like this confusing:

Hold thy husband dear and always show forth an amiable temper towards him, no matter how ill tempered he may be. Even if thy kindness maketh him more bitter, manifest thou more kindliness, more tenderness, be more loving and tolerate his cruel actions and ill-treatment.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Lights of Guidance, p. 226)

They make me think that ‘Abdu’l-Bahá wants us to stay in abusive situations.  During my year of waiting, I was looking for a reason to stay in my marriage, beyond the fact that divorce is discouraged in the Writings.  I knew that there was one thing I needed to hear, and I didn’t hear it till many years later.  It was the concept that marriages go through cycles, just like the seasons.  Most people in difficult spots in their marriage are in the middle of winter; and assume it will always stay like that, forgetting that winter is followed by spring.  If I was able to understand this, I would have been able to hold on.

Before the coming of the spring, the earth looks as if dead and lifeless, but when it appears, all the world seems to spring into life and brightness  – into a new existence of beauty and joy. All nature is clad in fresh green, the grass springs up, the leaves bud, and the trees are covered with blossoms. But the spring passes, and then comes the summer, in which the promise of the spring is fulfilled; the spring blossoms ripen into fruit, and the fields are covered with yellow grain; the result of the new life of the spring is manifested. Then comes the autumn, in which the life of the spring and summer begins slowly to fade, and finally winter comes round, and the life of the earth seems to be completely extinct — dead. (Compilations, Baha’i Prayers 9, p. 57)

Behaviour inside the Marriage:  We are given specific guidance on how to treat our spouses:

As to thy respected husband: it is incumbent upon thee to treat him with great kindness, to consider his wishes and be conciliatory with him at all times, till he seeth that because thou hast directed thyself toward the Kingdom of God, thy tenderness for him and thy love for God have but increased, as well as thy concern for his wishes under all conditions.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Selected Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 122)

Putting God between you and your spouse:

If any differences arise amongst you, behold Me standing before your face, and overlook the faults of one another for My name’s sake and as a token of your love for My manifest and resplendent Cause.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 315)

Using ‘Abdu’l-Bahá as a role model:

He feels you should by all means show your husband the greatest love and sympathy; if we are ever in any doubts as to how we should conduct ourselves as Bahá’ís we should think of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá and study His life and ask ourselves what would He have done, for He is our perfect example in every way. And you know how tender He was, and how His affection and kindness shone like sunlight on everyone. “Your husband and your child have a right to your love, and give you a wonderful opportunity of demonstrating your faith in the Cause.” “Also you should pray to Bahá’u'lláh to help unite you with your husband and make your home a true and happy home.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 226)

Consultation:

Bahá’u'lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453) You have asked, however, for specific rules of conduct to govern the relationships of husbands and wives . . . If, God forbid, they fail to agree, and their disagreement leads to estrangement, they should seek counsel from those they trust and in whose sincerity and sound judgement they have confidence, in order to preserve and strengthen their ties as a united family.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 456)

The House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your eldest daughter. It is suggested that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consultations. As Bahá’ís we understand the importance of the consultative process and we should not feel it is to be used only by the Spiritual Assemblies.    (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

Noting that you and your husband have consulted about your family problems with your Spiritual Assembly but did not receive any advice, and also discussed your situation with a family counsellor without success, the House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your eldest daughter. It is suggested that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consultations. As Bahá’ís we understand the importance of the consultative process and we should not feel it is to be used only by the Spiritual Assemblies.    (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

Consulting with Assemblies:

The believers should learn to turn more often to their Assemblies for advice and help and at an earlier date, and the Assemblies, on the other hand, should act with more vigilance and a greater sense of community responsibility towards every situation.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 80)

If a Bahá’í woman suffers abuse or is subjected to rape by her husband, she has the right to turn to the assembly for assistance and counsel, or to seek legal protection.  Such an abuse would gravely jeopardize the continuation of the marriage, and could well lead to a condition of irreconcilable antipathy.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)

Consulting with the Universal House of Justice:

It’s very easy for Bahá’ís who need clarification from the highest level of authority in the Faith, to contact the Universal House of Justice directly, and many Baha’is take great comfort in hearing their response.  You can write to them for advice or to ask for prayers to be said on your behalf at the Shrines, at PO Box 155 Haifa, Israel 31001 Israel or email them at:  secretariat@bwc.org

Consulting Marriage Counsellors:

The House of Justice is pleased to learn from your letter that both you and your husband are receiving professional therapy, in addition to the counselling you are receiving from your Local Spiritual Assembly.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 22 July, 1987)

 Balancing service with strengthening your home life:

In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá’u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

Surely Shoghi Effendi would like to see you and the other friends give their whole time and energy to the Cause, for we are in great need for competent workers, but the home is an institution that Bahá’u'lláh has come to strengthen and not to weaken. Many unfortunate things have happened in Bahá’í homes just for neglecting this point. Serve the Cause but also remember your duties towards your home. It is for you to find the balance and see that neither makes you neglect the other. We would have many more husbands in the Cause were the wives more thoughtful and moderate in their Bahá’í activities.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 220)

Year of Waiting:  Baha’u'llah has given us a wonderful tool for taking a “time out” from your marriage to work on the issues that could lead to divorce.  It’s a safety valve, which, when used in a timely fashion, could give an abusive partner time away to work on the issues contributing to being abusive; and the spouse to work on their co-dependent issues.

The Spiritual Assembly should always be concerned that the believers in its community are being deepened in their understanding of the Bahá’í concept of marriage, especially the young people, so that the very thought of divorce will be abhorrent to them . . . its first thought and action should be to reconcile the couple and to ensure that they know the Bahá’í teachings on the matter. God willing, the Assembly will be successful and no year of waiting need be started . . . During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their difference, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 390)

It always seems a pity that most couples go to their Assemblies to ask for a year of waiting when they’ve already decided to divorce, instead of using the time to sincerely work on the issues that led to this point.

Divorce:  While divorce is highly discouraged in the Faith, it is allowable only if one or both partners reach a stage of “irreconcilable antipathy”.  This could happen in cases of abuse:

If a Bahá’í woman suffers abuse or is subjected to rape by her husband, she has the right to turn to the assembly for assistance and counsel, or to seek legal protection.  Such an abuse would gravely jeopardize the continuation of the marriage, and could well lead to a condition of irreconcilable antipathy.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)

 Conclusion:

When there is spousal abuse in the marriage, the feelings of one partner – maybe both – break. Those broken feelings eat away at the foundation of the fortress.  Once you’re in a marriage it’s much more difficult to get out, so it’s important to make sure that all of these tools are in place before going ahead with a marriage.   Being truthful with yourself about problems in any of these areas is a key.

Can you think of any others?  Do you have a story to contribute?  Post your comments here:

 

by Susan Gammage, Baha’i Life Coach In my Bahá’í-inspired life coaching practice, the topic of divorce occasionally comes up.  The Bahá’í Writings teach: “We know that Bahá’u’lláh has very strongly frowned upon divorce; and it is really incumbent upon the Bahá’ís to make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a Bahá’í marriage to be [...]

by Susan Gammage, Baha’i Life Coach

In my Bahá’í-inspired life coaching practice, the topic of divorce occasionally comes up.  The Bahá’í Writings teach:

“We know that Bahá’u'lláh has very strongly frowned upon divorce; and it is really incumbent upon the Bahá’ís to make almost a superhuman effort not to allow a Bahá’í marriage to be dissolved.”  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 227)

But the scariest quote to me has always been:

“. . . the partner who is the ’cause of divorce’ will ‘unquestionably’ become the ‘victim of formidable calamities’”.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 390)

When my own marriage ended in divorce, I often asked myself if I was the cause, for certainly my life post-divorce has been fraught with tests.  I’ve just exchanged one set of tests for another.

Recently I’ve been reading “When Parents Hurt” by Joshua Coleman, and in the appendix at the end of the book, he writes an article from the perspective of one man to another, which speaks poignantly to the issues I’ve wrestled with (they aren’t so very different from my own perspective).  I’d like to copy it here for your enjoyment.  It’s reprinted with permission of the author.

When a Family Man Thinks Twice
Joshua Coleman, Ph.D.
San Francisco Chronicle
Sunday Section, Father’s Day 2000

You get married. And at some point you don’t know if the marriage is going to work. And since it’s your first marriage, you feel discouraged and hopeless and start believing that your marriage looks nothing like the ones on TV or in US magazine. And you think how nice it would be to have a marriage like that, built on friendship, hiking, and an active sex life.

And since it’s a marriage with children, you don’t know what it feels like to be divorced with children, and figure it might not be that bad. It’s a tradeoff. And people say everything in life is a tradeoff, so there must be something worthwhile about tradeoffs.

And you start thinking about it after you leave the movie theater because your marriage once looked like the movie marriage, at least when you were  first dating. Or, maybe the movie is realistic, with lots of alienated, confused adults, but, even those movies feature somebody who’s falling in love, like the two teenagers in American Beauty. And so you compare your marriage to the teenagers in American Beauty and wonder how you got as far off the track as Kevin Spacey, and do you need to get a GTO and start smoking pot again to find yourself, even if you’re smart enough to datesomebody your own age instead of your daughter’s friend?

And maybe you realize that the same actors you’re comparing your marriage to on the screen, are having as much trouble in their marriages off the screen as you are having in yours, at home. And so you stop comparing yourself to their happy on screen marriages, and compare yourself to them as happy divorced actors who have their kids part-time and live in LA or New York or on their ranches in Montana.

And at the playground, watching your kids go down the slide with your wife, you end up sitting by a divorced father. And if you’ve never been divorced, you won’t see his loneliness as he stretches his legs and watches and waves at his children because he looks like you, when you wave and smile at yours playing on the swings, or that circular spinning thing that makes you nauseous when you have the poor judgment to get on it. And you don’t see that this very same child on the swing set saying look at me look at me will have to be returned to her mother’s house like a videotape by six because that was the time agreed to in the agreement.

And you may not know the sadness he feels returning that child to her mother as she closes the door to him like a vault while his kid waves, sad, bewildered or worse, happy to be back with her mom and now oblivious of him, her father.

And you, who walk in and out of your home every day with your wife and kids, can’t know what it’s like to sit in your car and watch the place you lived in as family, knowing your child is in there, laughing, talking loudly, or waving briefly at you from the window like she does when her uncle leaves.

And since you are married, and wake up every day to your child’s loud laughter and endless questions and requests and frustrations and hurts, you can’t contemplate the deadwood barrenness of a house deprived of that sound.

And you wouldn’t know that going home to that silence, a silence you craved many times while married, is a silence found more often on hillsides, after a large-scale fire.

And being married, you and your wife may have just put your child to bed with Harry Potter or the Little Engine That Could or other magical children’s stories that teach the value of never giving up and struggling
against the odds. And as the evening goes on, you end up in one of those god awful fights with her that leave you feeling alone and why should you have to put up with this as hard as you work and try. And it’s hard to feel like nobody else has it as bad or understands what you feel except perhaps the woman you’ve begun to have an affair with who always says the right thing and makes you feel good about yourself, which, of course, you deserve. And the sex with the woman you’re having an affair with is unbelievable because sex is always unbelievable in affairs or else why would anybody bother?

And since you’re a married father, who goes on vacations with his kids and helps them with their soccer, homework or playground politics, you may underestimate the feelings of seeing your child walk out of the house you once lived in as family, holding the hand of your ex-wife’s new husband.

Perhaps you’re surprised by the stab of betrayal when you hear your child refer to your ex-wife’s new husband as “my other daddy.” And even though you’ve had enough psychotherapy to start a clinic on both coasts, you watch yourself get mad and hurt and state that she Does not, Can not and Will not have another daddy because that is a position only you can fill and if she ever brings up that phrase again, something really bad is going to happen to somebody, you’re just not sure who.

And you begin to wonder if anything is worth this kind of pain. Is anything worth having your baby, your child, your self, handed to you and ripped back out like an assembly line robot on a killing spree, week after week after week after week? And friends and family and professionals say it will get better over time and it does get better because you eventually get better at finding new and improved ways to blind and numb yourself. And people will tell you this change is called growth. And you know that must mean growth is highly overrated.

And you always swore you would be a great dad and you have been but you
better set your sorry ass down with divorce and give thanks for every other weekend or summer visitation or some other version of fatherhood that has nothing to do with family and everything to do with an arrangement so dubious only a court can invent it. And maybe when your kids grow up and go off to college or move out you’ll feel better. But then maybe you won’t.

Maybe their new independence will just free them up to see your limitations even more clearly.

And though you would never do it, you come to understand those lost fathers, marginalized through their own mistakes or a lousy arrangement, moving miles away and rarely calling, leaving their kids bobbing and drifting like toys thrown from the back of a moving boat.  And how these fathers get struck dead and dumb years later when there’s an angry and betrayed call from a child who’s now a teenager or an adult. And how these dads stumble out an excuse that tries to be an apology but ends up blaming the child and the ex-wife, and leaves the kid glad the father wasn’t around in the first place no wonder mom wanted out.

And maybe you’d never let it get to that point and you do need to leave your marriage. Maybe the smoking stacked years of hurt and resentment are sooting the air you and your family breathe and no priest or rabbi or therapist can ever reverse it because you already tried all that. And you end up falling in love with someone new because she reminds you of all the qualities you love best; those of your children, your closest friends and you hate to admit it but – yeah, those of your ex-wife.

And then, whether it’s the right thing or the wrong thing, better or worse, you look back. And at some point, your kids ask when you and mom are going to live together again. And though they eventually stop asking, they won’t stop hoping. And they carry that hope the way you carry your love for them – soft, constant, and close to the surface. And no matter how awful it was to be married and how grateful you are to be out, and how much getting out was the right decision, some part of you may always wonder, was there something else I could have done?  Something?”

Dr. Coleman is a psychologist with offices in San Francisco and Oakland, California. He is the author of “WHEN PARENTS HURT: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don’t Get Along” (HarperCollins), “MARRIED WITH TWINS: Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Marital Harmony” “The Marriage Makeover: Finding Happiness in Imperfect Harmony.” and “The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework.” Call him at 510 547 6500 or visit him at www.drjoshuacoleman.com

I’d like to end with a quote from the Bahá’í Writings:

“He feels that you should by all means make every effort to hold your marriage together, especially for the sake of the children, who, like all children of divorced parents, cannot but suffer from conflicting loyalties, for they are deprived of the blessing of a father and a mother in one home, to look after their interests and love them jointly.” (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 227)

What’s been your experience with divorce?  Post your comments here: