Put the Glass Down By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’…. The students answered, “I really don’t [...]
Put the Glass Down
By Dr.Claude Shema-Rutagengwa, Pr.Dr.Udaya Kumar and Pr.Dr.Dietrich
http://www.author-me.com/fict07/puttheglass.htm
Once a professor began his class by holding up a glass with some water in it. He held it up for all to see and asked the students, “how much do you think this glass weighs? ’50gms!’?…’100gms…’125gms’….
The students answered, “I really don’t know unless I weigh it.”
The professor said, ‘now, my question is: What would happen if I held it up like this for a few minutes?’
‘Nothing’ the students said.
“OK what would happen if I held it up like this for an hour?” the professor asked.
“Your arm would begin to ache” said one of the students.
“You’re right, now what would happen if I held it for a day?”
“Your arm could go numb; you might have severe muscle stress & paralysis; have to go to hospital for sure! Ventured another student”, all the students laughed.
“Very good. But during all this, did the weight of the glass change?” Asked the professor.
“No” was the reply of all the students.
“Then what caused the arm to ache; the muscle to stress?” After a pause the professor asked “Before my arm ache, what should I do?”
The students were puzzled.
“Put the glass down!” said one of the students.
“Exactly!” said the professor, “Life’s problems are exactly like this. Hold it for a few minutes in your head; they seem OK. Think of them for a long time; they begin to ache. Hold it even longer; they begin to paralyze you. You will not be able to do anything.”
It’s important to think of the challenges (problems) in your life, but EVEN MORE IMPORTANT to ‘put them down’ at the end of every day before you go to sleep. That way, you are not stressed, you wake up every day fresh; strong; can handle any issue, any challenge that comes your way!
Remember to put the glass down everyday!
Feeling judged by others is a fairly universal theme among my clients and friends, so I wanted to share some insights I’ve gained which might help you reframe the way you hear hurtful comments. The spiritual principles you need to understand are the relationship between our lower and higher natures, the principle of neither giving [...]
Feeling judged by others is a fairly universal theme among my clients and friends, so I wanted to share some insights I’ve gained which might help you reframe the way you hear hurtful comments.
The spiritual principles you need to understand are the relationship between our lower and higher natures, the principle of neither giving offence nor taking offence; and the concept of “love languages”.
Dual Natures:
We were born with both a higher and lower nature. The lower nature is the voice of the ego, and the higher nature is the voice of God. You can tell the difference between the two, because one is judging and condemning, and the other is pure love.
It’s common to hear “you should” . . . and immediately go to “I’m not good enough”. Both sentences are lies emanating from our lower nature! The only one who knows what you should do, is God, and you can know His will for you through the Bahá’í Writings.
The truth is that God created you perfect . . .
With the hands of power I made thee and with the fingers of strength I created thee; and within thee have I placed the essence of My light. Be thou content with it and seek naught else, for My work is perfect and My command is binding. Question it not, nor have a doubt thereof. (Baha’u'llah, Hidden Words, Arabic 12)
. . . and noble,
Noble have I created thee, yet thou hast abased thyself. (Bahá’u'lláh, Hidden Words, Arabic 22).
We abase ourselves every time we act from the lower nature, by putting ourselves down or allowing others to do so. You’re good enough for God, and that’s all that matters.
Giving and taking offence:
To protect us from ourselves, the Bahá’í Writings tell us we’re not to give offence nor take offence:
Thus no member should ever allow himself to be prevented from expressing frankly his view because it may offend a fellow member; and, realizing this, no member should take offence at another member’s statements. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 179-180)
When we “give offence” we are deliberately saying things designed to oppress a soul – another “no-no” in our Faith:
There is no fire in the eyes of those who have known God and His signs, fiercer than to transgress His laws and to oppress another soul, even to the extent of a mustard seed. (The Bab, Selections from the Writings of the Bab, p. 79)
“Taking offence” means believing someone else’s lie – something spoken from their lower nature. The best remedy for that is to see them as captives of their lower nature, and forgive them:
If someone commits an error and wrong toward you, you must instantly forgive him. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 453)
Language of love
Dr. Gary Chapman has written a book called “The Five Languages of Love”. In it, he identifies 5 ways in which people demonstrate their love for each other:
Words of Affirmation: If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time: In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts: Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service: Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch: A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
For example, I’m a person who values quality time and acts of service, and don’t particularly care about getting gifts. As a life coach, I’m likely to think deeply about what my clients tell me and sometimes go overboard finding the exact quotes from the Bahá’í Writings which might help them solve their problems. Sometimes, clients who value words of affirmation “take offence” because I give them lengthy responses which turn into blog postings instead of simply affirming that they are OK where they are. They feel judged instead of feeling loved, and “take offence” when no offence was intended. They don’t understand that I was only acting out of my “love language”.
A note to my life coaching clients: You can be 95% certain that whatever I say, I am not judging you (the other 5% is because I’m human!) One thing you can know for sure, though, is that I can’t bear to give offense. If I know I’ve hurt someone, it hurts me even worse!
Click here to find out what your love language is. You don’t need to give your name and email address. Just click on “skip this step”.
How has your life been affected by giving or taking offence? Post your comments here:
When I first discovered the Bahá’í Faith, Bahá’u’lláh’s version of a New World Order, with the family at the centre, as a nation in miniature was an exciting concept for me. I understood instantly the importance of shaping such a unit, but being able to implement it was quite another thing. It made sense that [...]
When I first discovered the Bahá’í Faith, Bahá’u’lláh’s version of a New World Order, with the family at the centre, as a nation in miniature was an exciting concept for me. I understood instantly the importance of shaping such a unit, but being able to implement it was quite another thing.
It made sense that many people who have experienced great injustice in their lives would be attracted to a Faith based on justice. However, once I became a Bahá’ís I noticed that no one talked about how to apply the Writings to personal problems or spoke aloud the questions which might arise from the deepest parts of their souls.
No one was saying out loud:
If these are questions you have pondered too, I want to honor you, and acknowledge your bravery for searching for answers. I found all the answers I was looking for (and more), from the Bahá’í Teachings and I know you will too.
I have been through a significant amount of trauma in my life but have found solutions, hope and healing when turning to the Bahá’í Writings and striving to apply them in my life. I would like to share my story so that you will better understand where I am coming from and why this topic is so significant to me. It originally appeared in “Parenting in the New World Order”, March 1993, and was published with the permission of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahá’ís of Canada.
I invite you to read it as a clear demonstration of the healing power of the Word of God and to witness the positive effects it has had in my life. I apologize if it is too explicit and warn you that it may be triggering for some people. If you think this is you, please make sure you have some support when reading it.
I grew up in a middle class, professional family, in an environment of alcoholism, neglect and physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father was an alcoholic but had a responsible position in a Western Canadian city. In his industry, he was highly renowned and respected for his integrity and high moral standards. At home, he was a very volatile, violent man, who beat his wife and children, sexually abused my brothers and I and took us on camping trips, which involved satanic cult activities including bestiality, murder, rape and cannibalism.
My mother also held senior positions in the companies she worked for. She was also extremely violent, sexually abusive and active in preparing me for participating in cult activities. I was terrified of both of them, all the time.
I was sent to religious private schools for my education and was sexually abused by the female teachers at two of the schools I attended. I was brought up in the . . . church and the “Church of Satan” simultaneously. It was very confusing because many of the same people were involved in both places.
I was also sexually abused by an uncle, a grandfather and the husband of one of our baby-sitters. In one way, I was fortunate because I grew up distrusting men and women equally. So now, as I heal, I can see the need for all of us to work together to overcome the effects of such oppression and abuse.
As is typical of people who have experiences such trauma, I developed many coping mechanisms which kept me alive through experiences which no adult could survive.
I’ve envied the martyrs in the Bahá’í Faith, whose torture was relatively short-lived and ended in death for something they believed in. The torture I endured lasted for seventeen years, but the effects have lingered another eighteen and will be with me for the rest of my life.
Rest assured in the protection of God. He will preserve His own children under all circumstances. Be ye not afraid nor be ye agitated. He holds the scepter of power in His hand, and like unto a hen He gathereth His chickens under His wings. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Star of the West, vol. 22, p. 248)
I was close to being killed at least three times – once in fact I had been bound and gagged and placed on a stone alter, “chosen” to be “fed to the fire.” I was only four years old, and had already been raped and violated by men and women many times. I was prepared to die. I was ready to die, but at the last minute, as the flames were getting closer, somebody came and I was thrown off and rolled away as the adults pretended they were picnicking and playing volleyball.
I married when I was eighteen, to a man who was thirty-seven; a man who brought his gun and knife collection into our bedroom. He never had to get angry with me – I always did what I thought he wanted. The guns and knives were a silent threat.
Having a family was always my dream. Having a marriage last was another I wanted more than anything else to be “normal”.
Several miracles occurred out of my experiences. When I was a child, I had a strong relationship with God, I prayed frequently – especially for the abuse to stop. When it didn’t, I stopped believing in God. God knows how I became a Bahá’í – I certainly don’t – but my son is now eight years old and I am raising him as a Bahá’í, and not in the cult, and I am not sexually abusing him. I’ve broken two multi-generational patterns, so my prayers were answered, just not in the way or in the time frame I had imagined.
I have been in therapy for many years trying to sort out my experiences and trying to use the Bahá’í teachings in my recovery. I struggle daily to bring my life into the standards of the Faith.
Concepts such as institutions as “loving parents” are difficult for me to understand (what is a loving parent?!) – but I’ve tested the concept twice and I’m beginning to learn. I went to the Bahá’í Local Spiritual Assembly of . . . to request their input into the terms of my divorce, and I wrote to the Universal House of Justice, asking what my obligations were to my family. Both consultations were very powerful, and have been tremendous forces in my personal growth.
I love ‘Abdul-Bahá’s writing:
My home is the home of peace . . .
And I try to use it as a guideline, but I’m not always successful. It’s hard to live life in the present when anything can trigger a frightening memory.
I’ve come to realize that I have lived most of my life from the perspective of a terrified four-year-old, whose turn it is to die, wanting to die, and now it’s time to choose to live. Reclaiming memories of my childhood, committing myself to live life consciously, recognizing oppression when it is happening and choosing to deal with it head on instead of avoiding it, are all part of my healing process.
Much of the time I felt that my son was being parented by an adult body with the feelings and experiences of a four year old.
Many times I am confronted with situations that my role models simply didn’t prepare me to deal with – so when my son was little and I wanted to take out my frustrations on him, I took him in my arms and held him close and said or sang the prayer:
Is there any remover of difficulties save God? Say: Praised be God! He is God! All are His servants and all abide by His bidding. (The Báb, Bahá’í Prayers, p. 28)
over and over while the feeling passed and an opportunity presented itself – and it always did.
So often I feel that my son is teaching me how to parent. He often can see a solution that just makes sense. Sometimes, when my self-esteem is low, I remind myself that the Bahá’í Writings are very clear that the parent is to be in charge, but I always trust the Bahá’u’lláh is guiding my life on the right path, and is teaching me through my son.
I pray for him and with him often, and although he has always vigorously opposed prayer and reading the Writings and calling himself to account daily, I’m hoping that these things will stay with him.
Recently I decided to write to the Universal House of Justice for their guidance. Their response has had a profound effect on my healing and I thought it might be of assistance to others in similar situations.
Holidays have always been difficult times for me, but since I confronted my parents with the sexual abuse, they’ve been especially difficult. They have chosen to deny their involvement and I have been unwilling to engage in a relationship with them that is not based on truth. I have no contact with them and until I got a letter from the Universal House of Justice, I assumed this meant that I was being a bad daughter, and an unforgiving Bahá’í. The Universal House of Justice wrote:
. . . being prudent in deciding upon the appropriate amount of contact with your parents, in reaching your decision, you should be guided by such factors as:
- their degree of remorse over what they inflicted on you in the past
- the extent of their present involvement in practices which are so contrary to Bahá’í Teachings and
- the level of vulnerability you perceive within yourself to being influenced adversely by them.”
When I first started my healing journey, I went to the Bahá’í Writings for guidance and found:
Thy name is my healing . . .
God is sufficient . . .
Seek no other helper . . .
So I felt guilty looking for a therapist. God wasn’t sufficient in the sense I thought it meant, but He was sufficient in showing me the right people at the right time. The Universal House of Justice confirmed this in their letter, writing:
. . . you may well find it useful to seek the advice of experts such as your therapist.
I used to feel that I was a bad Bahá’í for not being able to instantly forgive my parents, but the Universal House of Justice wrote:
You are urged to strive to develop forgiveness in your heart toward your parents who have abused you in so disgraceful a manner, and to attain a level of insight which sees them as captives of their lower nature . . .
For me, this means that I may never get there, and as long as I continue to strive, I’m doing the right thing.
Nowhere in the letter from the Universal House of Justice does it say I should stop looking at the memories and dwelling on the past, as I have been told by many well-meaning friends. Instead, the Universal House of Justice writes:
You are truly blessed to have been enabled to accept Bahá’u’lláh as the Manifestation of God for this Age, and to have access to the limitless spiritual powers with which His life-giving Revelations is infused. You can draw on these powers by your prayers, as well as your participation in the work of the Faith and in the life of the Bahá’í community; through this effort and through your consultation with competent professionals having expertise in your area of need, you can promote your healing from the damaging effects of your past experiences, and can find happiness and tranquility.
So I’m not sure what this has to say to parents looking for ideas on raising their children – except I know that there are many people out there who are struggling with similar experiences and are wondering what the Bahá’í approach to recovery might be.
I’m sure that because of the shame and the need for perfectionism that many of us just struggle with, we will continue to find the Writings to “beat” ourselves with instead of the ones which will heal.
Having had such a clear letter from the Universal House of Justice has validated my struggle and helped me to know that I am on the right track – and I know that if I work on becoming a better person, my parenting sills are bound to improve too.
None of use grew up in the kind of families Bahá’u’lláh calls us to create, and as adults, we need to take a close look at who we are and where we came from. We need to make conscious decision to change the patterns we don’t like. And we need to trust the guidance we’ve been given in the Bahá’í Writings. Sometimes this may mean having to create a family of choice as we leave behind our family of anger. God will guide us and protect us on our parenting journey. All we have to do is ask.
I believe that all of the answers we need are in the Bahá’í Writings and that we just need to learn to use them to assist us. Particular assistance came to me from the letter from the Universal House of Justice, for example the ideas that:
The letter from the world Center closes with the following:
The House of Justice offers you its abundant sympathy at what you have suffered, it’s loving concern for your welfare, and its encouragement to you to look to the future with confidence and optimism. You are urged to ponder these reassuring words of Bahá’u’lláh: “O my Servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will no doubt, attain.”
I am happy to send copies of the Universal House of Justice letter to anyone who wants it, and I’m happy to share my journey with anyone who needs to talk about being a Bahá’í and having less than ‘Abdul-Bahá-like responses to the injustices thy have had.
I’ve put together a compilation of all the quotes which helped me. You can read more about it at: http://susangammage.com/Abuse-and-Violence-Reasons-and-Remedies
Local Assemblies who require guidance in dealing with cases involving abuse should contact their National Spiritual Assembly.
There is a great document put out by the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha’is of the United States, called: Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence which is helpful for anyone dealing with issues arising from violence and abuse of any kind. You can download it from: www.bahai.us/system/files/DVGuidelines.pdf
The Bahá’í Writings teach: “Antagonism and contradiction are unfortunate and always destructive to truth”. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 72) Antagonism means rivalry, resentment, ill will. Sometimes when our lives are totally out of control due to traumatic experiences, we long to hold onto some element of control in our lives, which often [...]
The Bahá’í Writings teach: “Antagonism and contradiction are unfortunate and always destructive to truth”. (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 72)
Antagonism means rivalry, resentment, ill will.
Sometimes when our lives are totally out of control due to traumatic experiences, we long to hold onto some element of control in our lives, which often takes the form of needing to be “right”, because in the past, if we weren’t “right”, we were punished or abused. When this need carries itself into adult relationships, and it leads to rivalry, resentment, ill-will and contradiction, it can cause separation.
Since truthfulness is the “foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity”, and “without truthfulness, progress and success in all of the worlds of God are impossible for a soul” (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 384), and since “antagonism is destructive to truth”, it seems to me that when antagonism is present in a relationship, there is no foundation for a relationship to be built on.
How many marriages and work environments are poisoned by antagonism? What’s been your experience, and how do you think we can resolve it when we’re inside it?
Often when we’ve been hurt, our first response is to get angry; to want to punish someone as much as we feel we’ve been hurt, but Bahá’u’lláh teaches: Anger doth burn the liver: avoid [it] as you would a lion. (Bahá’u’lláh, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 460) I used to think this meant [...]
Often when we’ve been hurt, our first response is to get angry; to want to punish someone as much as we feel we’ve been hurt, but Bahá’u'lláh teaches:
Anger doth burn the liver: avoid [it] as you would a lion. (Bahá’u'lláh, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 460)
I used to think this meant I shouldn’t feel it at all, but I don’t think that’s what it means. If I’m in a jungle and see a lion, I would be foolish to deny its existence. No – first I say: “There’s a lion”, what should I do now?”
I googled “How to Prevent a Lion Attack” and this is what I found:
o Mountain lions tend to avoid people, so if one seems to be approaching, try to give it a chance to escape.
o Look the lion in the eye (s) if it continues to approach you.
o Make loud noises. Showing your teeth and making growling noises may help.
o Make yourself appear bigger by raising up your jacket or other clothing and extending or holding up your arms.
o Stand up straight and stick out your chest.
o Pull children close, and if possible, put a small child on your shoulders to appear larger. If there are other adults, stand close together.
o If you feel you can retreat, back away slowly, and remember to never turn your back to the animal.
o Use anything within reach as a weapon and try to avoid bending or kneeling to get it. Mace or pepper spray, sticks, branches, rocks, a knife. If you have a bicycle, you can hold it up as a shield.
o Try to target an eye and jab it with your thumb (people who have done this have been successful) or use a weapon if available.
o Yell “lion” or something specific instead of just “help.”
How do you think this applies to the quote by ‘Abdul-Bahá? What does it teach us about how to avoid anger?