I feel privileged that you invited me here today to tell my story. I hope that what I have to say will have some meaning for you so that you may not have to take the same path yourselves! This is my truth as I see it. Others may have a different perspective. I [...]

 

I feel privileged that you invited me here today to tell my story. I hope that what I have to say will have some meaning for you so that you may not have to take the same path yourselves! This is my truth as I see it. Others may have a different perspective. I have changed people’s names out of respect for their privacy.

I can honestly say that the vast majority of my earliest memories are good ones. There was always something fun happening – Christmas dinners at grandma’s house, family parties with cousins to play with, and lots of music and laughter. My dad was the life of the party – he was always horsing around doing something funny and all the kids loved him. He could play his mandolin and tell jokes all night. My family was musical, so my sister and I were encouraged from an early age to pick up an instrument and join in. We didn’t have a ton of money, but enough to have a little cottage on a lake with an old boat and a couple of snowmobiles. We kids made mud pies and played hide and seek and made forts in the woods, tied toboggans up behind the snowmobiles, skated on the lake, and had cookouts. While the adults partied, the kids got to run until we dropped. I remember falling asleep under a pile of coats at various hunt camps while the fiddles sawed away in the next room and the floor bounced with the stomping. What did we care if the neighbours thought we were hillbillies? It was fun! The troubling thing is that there are big chunks of time I can’t account for. I just don’t remember. And it’s not because I’m getting old! I feel like my mind has blocked out something very troubling.

During the week we had a pretty normal, quiet family life. Both my parents had good jobs and worked full-time. But on the weekends there were parties – parties at our house, parties at my cousins’ houses, parties at my parent’s friends’ houses, and always there was booze. One night my dad’s cousin got so drunk they had to tie him to the birch tree so he could stand up to play the fiddle. They had to carry the neighbour into his boat so his wife, who had been drinking herself, and had never driven a boat, could drive home to their cottage on an island across the lake. I remember several mornings getting up  to find dad asleep in the truck with his feet stuck out the window – he had had driven us home in the middle of the night but was too drunk to walk into the house and go to bed. Sometimes if he had been out by himself, we would find him in the morning halfway out the cottage road, passed out in the truck, blocking the way for any of the neighbours who might want to get in or out. It all seemed funny at the time, and I didn’t think it was out of the ordinary. It’s just the way it was for us.

There was also drama and tragedy – when I was 7 my cousin, Greg, whose cottage was next door, died in a boating accident. He and his buddy, Roy, from two doors down, had been playing chicken in his little boat at night with no lights. Roy sustained serious head injuries from which he never fully recovered. They didn’t find Greg’s body until several days later. The police said alcohol was involved. They were 16. One day my dad was racing his skidoo down the lake in icy conditions after a cookout where the adults had been drinking. He caught a piece of crust and rolled his sled end over end I don’t know how many times. He spent the next two weeks in bed. One spring day our close friend and neighbour put his snowmobile through the ice right in front of our house. Luckily, he got out. It seemed he was always having mishaps, and he was usually drunk. Then there was the day my dad nearly died when his chainsaw jumped out of the log he was cutting and slashed his throat, barely missing his jugular vein. He had been drinking.

As the years passed, there were increasingly more arguments and fights. I remember intervening one winter night during a particularly bad incident between mom and dad. He had his hands around her neck and had her backed into the tub. I thought he would kill her and the only way I could think to get him off her was to punch him in the balls. When he turned on me, I ran into the bush in my sock feet and once I knew I was safe I puked behind a tree. I remember being so scared I didn’t even notice how cold my feet were. I was 14. In another incident years later, mom had left dad to come and stay at my house but she decided to give him another chance. When we arrived at the cottage on Friday night, he was really drunk and started getting violent. We tried to leave, but by the time we got in the car, dad was standing in the middle of the only road out of the place with a gun firmly held across his chest, trying to stop me from driving away with mom. In that moment of terror I had to choose between running my father over with my car, or standing the chance of one or both of us getting shot. He made the decision for me; as he stepped around to my mother’s side of the car I gunned it and ducked, waiting for the shot. I remember the car screaming and red lining in first gear at 40 mph because it had a standard transmission and I was so scared I had forgotten to shift gears. The cops refused to go and arrest him that night because they said it was too dangerous. They confiscated his guns the next day. I had very disturbing violent nightmares for a long time after that in which I was bashing his head in with a rock. Even after all that, incredibly, mom went back to him. At the time I couldn’t understand why. The day my grandma died in 1988, he was at it again. This time the cops warned mom to get away. She showed up at my house. I had to lie about her whereabouts at the funeral to protect her safety.

THAT’S WHAT IT FINALLY TOOK TO BREAK OUT OF THE DENIAL AND REALIZE MY FATHER WAS AN ALCOHOLIC.

I was always pretty outgoing and I had friends, but I was not one of the popular girls in high school. I had skipped a grade so I was younger than my classmates and I was a “late bloomer” with a fall birthday. I turned 14 in the first semester of Grade 10, and I didn’t start to develop physically until well into my high school years. I was a really good student and I guess somewhere along the line I figured out that it was safer to get good marks and stay out of the way. I adopted the role of the super-responsible kid, perfectionistic, with a hyper-awareness of other’s feelings and needs, putting pressure on myself to overachieve, and somehow feeling like I was never good enough. I spent long hours in my bedroom doing assignments, but music was my life. I was in 3 bands and practiced sometimes 2 or 3 hours a night. I played several instruments, and I thought I was pretty good!

I started dating Frank at 17. I went to Ottawa to go to university and he came along to attend college there. He was smart and handsome, he came from a well-established, upstanding family, and it didn’t hurt that he had a nice car! His father was a well known and respected politician. WE WERE IN LOVE AND WE THOUGHT WE HAD THE WORLD BY THE TAIL. We got married when I was 19.

Looking back, I was interested in everything he did but he was NOT interested in the things that were important to me; we ate the foods that HE liked, we listened to the music that HE liked, we did the things that HE wanted to do. I had always wanted to travel, but he was afraid to fly, so we didn’t. At the time it seemed far easier to do things his way than to deal with the conflict that would be created by my asserting my needs or desires. You see, I had no idea what HEALTHY BOUNDARIES were. So, a little bit at a time, I sold out, and every time I did, I would get a little bit hurt and a little bit angry, and each time I gave away a little piece of myself. It happened so gradually, and over such a long period of time, that I hardly noticed it was happening. It’s like that story about the frog and the pot of water- if you drop a frog into a pot of hot water, he will jump out. He might get burned, but he will survive and probably stay away from the pot! But if you drop a frog into a pot of cold water and turn up the heat so gradually that he hardly notices the change, he will stay in the pot until he dies. Eventually we stopped hanging around with MY friends, I stopped playing music, I did almost all of the chores – piece by piece, without my realizing it, my identity became eroded and I seemed to disappear. If something went well, he took the credit for it, even if it was my doing. But, when something went wrong, it was ALWAYS my fault. He would twist stories around until it was so confusing I began to doubt my own memory. It was crazy making! He had expectations in the bedroom and I was made to feel it was MY shortcoming if I failed to meet them. I just kept trying to please him, but nothing ever seemed to be enough.

It wasn’t all bad. We had some fun times. We went snowmobiling in the winter and went to his family’s cottage in the summer. We visited regularly with both our families. We both had successful careers, mine in teaching and his in construction. We set goals, had a nice house, and were saving money for retirement. But in 1989 my world shifted, as if I was standing on a rug and someone pulled it out from under me. We had gone to his brother and sister-in-law’s house to give a birthday gift to our oldest niece, but instead of a celebration, there was a confrontation. Their daughters had just accused Frank of molesting them – the older one years before when she was little, before I even knew him. The younger one, who was by now 15, accused him molesting her just two years before IN OUR KITCHEN WHILE EVERYONE ELSE WAS JUST OUTSIDE, WITHIN SIGHT!!! It must have happened in a matter of seconds, a few minutes at the most! I remember thinking during the confrontation, “this happens in the movies – this doesn’t happen TO ME!” and realizing that my whole first 7 years of marriage were based on a lie. Here was the man I loved, admitting to molesting the older girl years before, but he never did admit to molesting the younger one. I can’t begin to describe the shock and confusion I felt! It was the first time I ever really thought about leaving him, but I was so CODEPENDENT by that time that I couldn’t imagine being on my own. My FEAR kept me trapped. For several months I had a hard time eating or sleeping, but eventually with some therapy I settled enough to decide to stay – we went on to have two great boys who were born in the early nineties, but it seemed like we were dancing around in a circle. Tension would build up, we would fight, then make up, and for a while things would seem to be OK, then tension would build again, over and over. And every time there was another fight, the issue of his molesting his nieces would come up – I could never get over that.

Little did I know it was going to get worse!

One day in the mid nineties, when having internet in the house was a relatively new thing, he asked me to look for a calculator in his brief case and in the bottom I found a picture of a naked little girl – Asian, maybe 10 or 12 yrs old –that he had printed off the computer. I was shocked and I confronted him. I thought about his nieces, and of course there was yet another fight. I destroyed the picture and he assured me that he had just been curious. He apologized and promised it had never happened before and it would never happen again. I was in DENIAL. I loved him. I wanted so desperately for everything to be OK. I stayed.

We were both workaholics. Things were getting so rotten between us that we both felt good when we worked. I had become a perfectionist control freak – because my relationship seemed like it was out of control. It takes a huge amount of energy to try and control everything in your life – especially when it is uncontrollable! To survive emotionally I stayed in my head and pushed down the feelings, at all cost. By that time, I was teaching full time, racing home every night with a briefcase full of lessons to plan and papers to mark in time to pick up the kids from daycare at 6 pm. I had two little boys under the age of 8 who were active with swimming lessons, soccer, Cub Scouts, etc. Frank was away a lot of the time working out of town, but when he wasn’t away, on weekends and evenings we would work on another new house for ourselves and move just about every year. We had a very good lifestyle in terms of material things, but I was miserable, exhausted, and empty inside. It seemed like every time we started fighting again, we would go and buy something new like a truck or a new snowmobile or a 4 wheeler, and for a little while it made us feel a bit better, but the feeling never lasted. I kept trying harder to make him happy but it was impossible, and I was so out of touch with myself that I had no idea what it would take to make me happy.

On Easter weekend in 2000 I had a very sudden life-threatening health crisis that ended up being the catalyst I needed to start making some positive changes in my life. Looking back, I realize that I was completely burned out. It was a miracle that I was alive; most people don’t survive the diagnosis I was given. I was never religious, but that night for the first time in my life I prayed and meant it. I said, “God, if you’re even there, apparently the way I have been directing my life up to this point in time has not been working too well. If I am meant to die here tonight, then my crying and fussing about it isn’t going to change anything, SOOOOOOOO here I am – you can take it from here, just please, if I am meant to live, show me what I am supposed to do!” I’m not suggesting you should believe what I believe; I am just saying that’s what I did, because that’s all I had left to do. After a week in intensive care, I went home to recuperate, but I had to stop working. It was the first time I really started to wonder why I was here on the planet. On the outside everything looked great – nice house, good career, two great kids – but there was nothing left inside. I felt like a completely vacant empty shell.  I started going back to therapy, but this time I was really ready to do the work and find out what was going on. One of the many valuable things I learned in therapy is that the difficulties that we face in our major relationships reflect back to us unresolved issues of our own. Over time and with help, I began to really look at things in a new perspective.

During this time, I discovered that our beloved babysitter/housekeeper had forged my signature on several cheques to the tune of almost $2000.00. She and her husband had been like adopted grandparents for our boys. I felt so betrayed! I also found out that Frank had been having an ongoing affair with one of my friends. Others in the community, including my best friend, knew about it but no one told me. I felt double betrayed! He showed me humility and convinced me of his sincerity when he apologized, and promised it had never happened before and it would never happen again. I was in DENIAL. I loved him. I wanted desperately for it to be OK. I stayed. And I got more counselling to try and help me deal with this latest crisis. Then, on the day the World Trade Centre was attacked, Sept 11, 2001, my own twin towers fell, so to speak. Our computer in our home office had broken and I had a technician come to the house to fix it. As I sat beside him, he opened files with dozens of pornographic pictures of children. I was mortified, shocked, and embarrassed to have such images in my home and furious that my little boys could have inadvertently opened one of those files. There was yet another fight, this time in which I threatened to get rid of the computer, and once again, Frank apologized and promised never to do it again. By now we both realized he had a problem. He also began to get therapy, which was enough to keep me hanging on. After all, I loved him and I wanted desperately for everything to be OK! In therapy, he began to analyze his sexual addiction and discovered that, although he could not remember anything, he had most likely been molested as a child. Now, realizing that I was married to a sex addict, and knowing that major relationships are reflective of my own issues, I began to look at my own childhood and suspect that I, too, had been molested. I had absolutely no memories of anything happening, but I also learned that as a coping mechanism, during traumatic incidents, the brain can literally block out all memory of the incidents. These are called REPRESSED memories. They help you to function on a day to day basis and go on with your life. The body remembers, though, and it stores unexpressed anger and grief in its cells. All kinds of studies have shown that there is a very real mind-body connection. When you accumulate years of toxic emotional stress your body responds in a very real way. If you don’t clear it, eventually it can lead to chronic illness or disease. When you clear that stress, your body is free to respond with good health and vitality. It’s like sweeping dirt under the carpet, or throwing your garbage into the basement – it keeps building up and building up until one day you get to a point where you just have to do some housecleaning. My body had told me the year before that it was time to do some housecleaning, but I still only partially listened. I was gradually working through my issues and becoming more aware, to be sure, but I was staying in a relationship that was becoming increasingly more toxic.

By then my father was a raging alcoholic – the town drunk who I kept at arm’s length. I felt guilty if I didn’t see him from time to time, but I felt shame and sadness when I did see him, because of the way he was living his life. My dad died of cancer in 2002 but something shifted between us in the last few weeks of his life. As he was coming to terms with the fact that he was dying I saw an authenticity in him I had never seen before. I stopped being quite so angry and start feeling some compassion for him. A few days before he died, I told him that I had forgiven him. He responded, “Well, wonders never cease”. The day he died, I sat by his bed and I held his hand as he passed. After he was gone I mourned the loss not so much of the man but of the relationship I always wished we could have had and now never would. Strangely, I feel closer to my father now than I ever did when he was alive.

I was still married, but our situation was becoming increasingly toxic. By now I had left my teaching career for good to work full time building big waterfront houses with Frank. I was in charge of site administration, hiring subcontractors, payroll and accounting, purchasing materials, AND I worked on site doing things like painting (sometimes on scaffolding or ladders 24 feet high), insulation, shovelling gravel, carrying lumber, picking up garbage, and helping the carpenters with framing. I enjoyed the physical work, and quite frankly, I enjoyed taking the men on the job by surprise with strength and ability that they did not expect to see in a woman.  Even though we were making far more money than I could ever have made teaching, Frank constantly belittled my contribution to our business and accused me more than once of being lazy and not wanting to work, because I had left my teaching career after that health crisis. Frank had stopped going to therapy, probably because he realized that once again, the latest crisis had been averted and I was back on the hook. I still loved him, but I suppose by this time I really had lost most of the respect I had had for him. I tried to see the hurt little boy and the sensitive man buried deep down inside all those layers of anger, and I waited for him to fulfill the potential that I saw in him. I would get glimpses of him every now and then when he had to show humility to avert another crisis. I knew he had an addiction, but by now I was so expert at covering up for him that I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. I understand now that what I was doing was ENABLING him to continue to act out his addiction. So why did I keep staying after all the crises and the grief? Maybe it was LOVE, but more likely it was FEAR and CODEPENDENCE. Living with “the devil you know” somehow seemed less frightening than stepping into the unknown. Even though I was doing most of the work to run the household, I couldn’t imagine being alone – I felt like I was only ½ of a circle – if you took away the other half I would be incomplete and unable to cope.

I had started to play music again. Just a little at first, but over time it became a bigger and bigger part of my life, because I realized that it was an important part of me that I had given up all those years before, and I wanted it back because it made me feel good. We started going to music festivals and despite the fact that we had a lot of fun camping with our new musical friends, Frank often made it clear that he didn’t like my playing music. You see, I was having fun and feeling good. It wasn’t for him or about him, and he was jealous. I often told him that I wished for his sake that he could find something in his life that he could feel as passionately about as I felt towards playing music, but he never really showed interest in anything outside his work. By the time I started a band and began to play semi-professionally, he would come to some festivals with me, but it was a favour to me that I could never really repay; he would make my life absolutely miserable, and often my band would have to rally around me when I would show up backstage before a show in tears. I would try to attend to his needs – did he have a drink? Was he hungry? Did he have someone to talk to? Was he happy? If he didn’t come, I found out later that he would say things to my children like “Your mother doesn’t want to be here with you. Her music is more important to her.” In 2006 he came to one of the larger festivals with me. I made especially sure to give him extra attention, as he often accused me of ignoring him when I was playing music. We had had a great day together, and ended the evening with a jam session with friends around a campfire. I had been super vigilant to see that he was having a good time. When it was time to go to bed, I put my instrument away and wondered why he hadn’t come into the trailer with me. I went back out to find him necking with a young woman half his age. I rubbed my eyes to make sure. I had had a few drinks over the course of the evening, but I was definitely not drunk. I locked myself in the trailer and started angrily packing up while he got a security guard to come and knock on the door and tell me I had been seeing things. We drove home in silence, and he slept in the spare bedroom that week, but I allowed him to come back because the next weekend we were expecting company and I still wasn’t ready for the truth to come out to our friends. You see, I was still trying to push down the feelings, smooth things over, and make everything appear normal when in fact we were in yet another crisis. I went back for more counselling to help me try and deal with this latest incident, but I was still enabling him to continue in his addiction.

By November 2007, 18 1/2 years after I had first seriously considered leaving, I had finally and truly had enough and was looking for a way out. Although he had never raised a hand to me, I was exhausted from the ongoing emotional abuse and drama, and I had long since lost my respect for Frank. I had threatened for years to leave and had never followed through, so why would he believe me now? But this time it was different. I had been faithful to Frank through all those years, but now I had met someone at a music conference in Nashville that I was very attracted to. I told Frank about it and he actually encouraged me to be with him, thinking it might be some kind of sexual game. But I was not playing any kind of game. I began talking to this man on the phone and I was falling head over heels in love. I told Frank up front that I intended to pursue my relationship with this man, and that I intended to leave – this time for real. That was when things began to get dangerous.

I was still living in the matrimonial home, and I had told my boys, teenagers of 15 and 13 by now, that I was planning on leaving, but that I was hoping to hold out until after Christmas. I couldn’t possibly tell them all the things that had led up to my decision – I felt they were too young to know about such adult problems, and I still wanted them to have some respect for their father even if he no longer had it from me. Of course, they were confused and angry with me. I had tried so hard all those years to cover up the problems between their father and me that they really hadn’t known how bad it was, but now that “the cat was out of the bag”, so to speak, it was impossible to hide the fighting and the arguments. It got so bad that a couple of weeks before Christmas, my younger son pulled me aside and said, “Mom, why don’t we just go?”, but I was determined to hang on until after Christmas, if at all possible. My older son decided to live with his dad, which broke my heart, because his dad really had not been there for them. He was away so much when they were growing up, and when he was home he was usually either too busy working, too angry, or too tired to interact with them. It was that heartbreak that inspired my very first song.

Things were escalating to the point where I was sleeping with my coat and boots and purse by my side because I feared that things might get really nasty and I would have to get out in the night. I locked the bedroom door because by this point I was afraid of Frank, and he would pick the lock just to show me that he could. I got my own cell phone and opened a new personal email account. He later admitted that he had been stalking me; I would come out of the grocery store or the bank and there he was, waiting. He was checking my odometer, obtaining my cell phone statements, and attempting to hack into my email account. He froze the bank accounts and cancelled the credit cards. He would tell me private information about the band’s business – it made everyone uncomfortable to the point that they considered calling the police. I started going to the local women’s shelter for counselling. They gave me strategies for staying safe, and information on community resources, but most importantly, they reassured me that I was not crazy! Then one night, while I slept, he broke into the bedroom and began to sexually assault me. He had imagined that I had been talking to this new man while he was out of town, which I wasn’t, but by the time he got home at 2 am he was beside himself with rage. He must have snapped out of his fury long enough to realize what was happening, because I was able to fight him off, but that was the last straw. On Boxing Day I drove away from my beautiful waterfront home to go and live in the basement of my mother’s house. And although I was an emotional wreck, I was finally free, and I never looked back.

Shortly after I left, Frank went into a residential treatment programme where he could get help with his sex addiction issues. I hope he benefited from his time there, but I suspect his motivation for going was to lure me back into the relationship as he had done so many times before. Within a few weeks of my leaving he was dating a woman from Oregon who he had met on an online dating site.

It’s funny how you learn how very little value your “stuff” has when you drive away from it in a situation like that. You think you are attached to your “stuff”, so you fight for it, and you mourn the loss of it, but in the end, it’s just “stuff”. By the time I got ½ of our “stuff” back in the settlement a year later, I didn’t even want it any more. I had something far more precious – PEACE. And I was finally starting to find MYSELF.

I want to make it clear that neither my dad nor my ex-husband were monsters! I loved them both. Dad was an easy going and fun-loving guy. He was the kind of guy who would help a stranger on the side of the road. And Frank had many good qualities, or I would never have married him! He was a good provider and a perfect choice for showing me what I needed to know about myself. And every time he put up a hurdle for me, I jumped higher. It made me stronger and more independent in the long run. The point is that ADDICTION MAKES GOOD PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS, and addiction and abuse are insidious; they creep up on you very slowly and quietly. You often don’t notice it’s happening until it’s too late. I have a friend who was a cop. She says, based on her observations, where domestic violence is concerned, escalation is inevitable. In other words, if he hit you once, it is very likely that he WILL hit you again, even if he’s really sorry and he says he won’t. There was one piece of advice she always gave to girls and women who were dealing domestic violence – “keep your girlfriends!” You need a support system and a sounding board. I wish I had known this.

I don’t any longer blame people for the things I have experienced – that would be staying stuck in victimhood. After all, how could my parents have possibly taught me about healthy boundaries when they didn’t have any themselves? Instead I prefer to think of life like a big theatre production – we all have our parts to play. We just don’t realize that we are in a play until we step back and take a look at the big picture. Our parents were also unconsciously playing their roles, and so were their parents, and so on and so on. Addiction and abuse don’t just start up out of the blue. More likely they are patterns of behaviour that have been handed down for many, many generations. If you look at it that way, there’s no one left to blame. The question is; what are YOU going to do about it? You can stay angry and play the martyr or the victim, but that just gives your power away. You can try to stay drunk or high, and make it seem to go away for a little while, but that’s all it is – a little while, then it comes back with a fury, and I don’t need to tell you the long term effect that will have on your life. CLEARLY IT DOESN’T WORK!  Both of those choices almost guarantee that you will pass the abuse on down to the next generation. Or, you can step up to the plate, as I have done, and begin to do the healing work necessary and make the changes that could potentially break the chain for future generations. It’s not easy – sometimes it hurts like HELL, and it can be downright ugly what you expose when you have an honest look inside. But I guarantee you it’ll be worth it!

My sister tried to cope by drowning her problems in alcohol and prescription pills. She has had ongoing health issues and she has struggled with addiction off and on for over 20 years. I learned that giving her money to help with the latest crisis only enabled her to continue drinking. NOT giving her money made me feel terribly guilty because she was suffering so much, and had very real problems. I love her because she is a gentle soul and she is my sister, but I still haven’t really figured out how to handle my relationship with her, so mostly I try to keep my distance, and that’s a real shame because we could have been such good friends! But I also try hard not to judge – it could’ve easily been me. It will be up to her to make the changes she needs to make to overcome her addiction and improve her life. I have told her that when she makes those changes, I will be there for her, but I also have to come to terms with the possibility that she may never make them.

My mom and I are now as close as we have ever been. I understand a whole lot better now what she went through and why she made the choices she did, because I ended up going through much the same thing.

As for the man I started dating, well, it’s been 4 years now, and we still love each other, but I think we both realize that our lives are going in different directions. I will always be grateful to him for helping me find the strength to leave an extremely toxic situation, and I will always cherish the time we had together, but I was not in an emotionally healthy place to begin a new relationship at the time. Was it what is called a “rebound relationship”? In retrospect, the answer is probably yes, although I did not see it at the time. No matter what the future does or does not hold for us, I’m OK, and I think that’s the main thing.

I have to take responsibility for the part I played in the drama of my life. I understand now that, even though I didn’t realize it at the time, I contributed to my situation by NOT maintaining healthy boundaries; every time I gave in for the sake of not angering Frank, I gave him a little more power over me. He didn’t take it – I gave it away. And every time I covered up for him, I took away an opportunity for him to take responsibility for his own behaviour. When I began to understand this, the first person I had to forgive was myself! I couldn’t possibly know then what the consequences of my choices would eventually be. And for that matter, in retrospect, I couldn’t possibly expect to be able to make decisions at 19 that were still valid at 49. People change! When I learned to forgive myself, then by extension I realized I needed to forgive my parents – they didn’t know any better what they were doing than I did. They were just trying to figure it out and survive the best they could. How could I expect them to be perfect when I wasn’t perfect myself? My ancestors were too busy trying to put food on the table and keep the house warm – they did not live in a culture of growing self-awareness that we can choose to take advantage of today. After generations of addiction and abuse, I have the privilege and responsibility of attempting to break the chain. It’s like we’ve all been sleepwalking, but now it’s time to wake up!!!!

Abuse can happen to ANYONE. It crosses all boundaries – economic, religious, age, gender. I was a well educated person with a good career and decent financial resources and it still happened to me! Remember: violence can take many forms – it doesn’t have to be physical. Pain in and of itself is not a bad thing. It teaches us to pay attention. When you stub your toe, for example, you pay full attention to that part of you – you rub it, maybe get some ice, but you take care of it until the pain goes away. The same can be true of emotional pain – it’s there to tell us that we’ve been hurt, but we need to learn to pay attention to it and not just ignore it. Learning these skills doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel pain again – life happens! Sometimes people do things that hurt. It’s a process I expect to be working on for a long time. I didn’t learn these behaviours over night, and it may take a while to unlearn them. BUT I have learned to honour my feelings, to listen to the messages I get from my gut and my heart, not just the thoughts in my head.

I feel so fortunate and grateful – for the good things that have happened to me in my life, AND for the insights and the strength I have gained from the challenges I have had to overcome. I not only survived, but I developed a greater level of self-awareness, and I am thriving now more than ever before. The funny thing about forgiveness is that you might think it’s for the benefit of the person you are forgiving, and surely they DO benefit from it, but more importantly it benefits the person who is doing the forgiving. When you release all that anger and righteousness, it’s like a huge weight being lifted off your spirit, and for the first time, maybe ever, you are truly free to discover who you really are. That’s what I’m doing now. I have found my own personal way to do my spiritual housecleaning with a combination of exercise, spending time in nature, writing and performing music, counselling, reading spiritual and self-help books, and lots of introspection (some might call it prayer or meditation). Others will find different ways to do their personal work. I’m 49 years old now and I am just getting to know Karen, and I really like the person she is becoming. I don’t know how it’s all going to turn out, but I have huge hope for my future! And because of the work I am doing, I have a great deal of hope that my children will not have to repeat the pattern.

My sincere wish for you is that you do whatever it takes to stay connected to your source, realize how beautiful and perfect you are, draw on your amazing inner strength, and discover and celebrate your wonderful gifts, and in doing so, show by example that others can too, no matter what blows life has dealt them.

 

 

By a reader of this blog who wishes to remain anonymous A marriage is a relationship of mutuality, respect, commitment, and all of the other qualities described in the Writings. Any couple will have their ups and downs and tests, and are meant to help each other grow. Certainly there must be a spirit of [...]

By a reader of this blog who wishes to remain anonymous

A marriage is a relationship of mutuality, respect, commitment, and all of the other qualities described in the Writings. Any couple will have their ups and downs and tests, and are meant to help each other grow. Certainly there must be a spirit of compassion and forgiveness—the willingness to not hold grudges, not respond in kind to insults, and not escalate things in order to “win.” In the context of mutual commitment and respect, they should both exercise forbearance. At the same time, there will be no progress unless there is clarity and communication about what is going on—what each person observes and feels. Thus, there is a need for frankness in helping each other grow up. With this spirit, the couple’s marriage can become a “fortress for well-being” for themselves and their community.

In contrast, an abusive relationship is not a marriage; it is a situation where one person is trying to destroy the other. Therefore, there is nothing to preserve. It is not and can never become a “fortress for well-being.” It is a cauldron for passing on trauma to the next generation. The first priority is for the victim to see the situation clearly, the second is to remove himself or herself from the situation, the third is to seek help. If both people have a willingness to work together to try to heal the abuser through therapy, spiritual guidance, and prayer, that is the very best next step. None of this implies that the “victim” is perfect. However, the individual and couple cannot effectively work on these normal problems until the dynamics change, because one of the traits of the abuser is to blame the victim and render them impotent.

If the abuser truly cares about preserving the marriage and is willing to undertake a personal journey of understanding with a trusted therapist, they can begin to examine the sources of the destructive feelings—the feelings of pain, fear, and powerlessness that most likely contribute to the rage. This comes under the definition of “consulting a trusted physician.” Clinical psychology has a lot to offer in terms of understanding the problem—and that is the first step. True healing must be a spiritual process, but that does not preclude the understanding of human behaviour that has been developed in the twentieth century. If the abuser does not wish to cooperate in understanding what is going on, refuses to engage in any kind of counseling or therapy, then there is no hope. In that case, it must be clearly understood that the abuser is not interested in a healthy relationship and has effectively ended the marriage. The victim should not be blamed for giving up on the marriage. There is none.

If there is no willingness to work toward understanding and healing, then the victim would best be advised to get on with her/his life and find a partner which whom they can build a Bahá’í marriage that can be a blessing to the world. There is no virtue in staying with a destructive person and dysfunctional situation. There is no benefit to the person or the world. When there are children, separation is more difficult, but here is where a supportive community is essential to working things out in a way that protects the children. Children should not grow up to think that abusive behaviour is normal and feel unprotected from its impacts. They may not be able to get away from a relationship with the abusive parent, but if they see the other parent name what is going on and say “Stop,” then they have the power of the truth. Alice Miller talks about how having one supportive adult in their life that speaks the truth about their situation can enable a child to endure all sorts of oppression and come out healthy.

I recommend that you obtain this book: The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond by Patricia Evans. I would love to discuss it and I wish I had read this forty years ago.

PERSONAL STORY

In my first marriage, to a very intelligent professional, I was essentially passive, easy-going, and timid in the face of intimidation. He was so bright and capable that I assumed he was always right. I didn’t know how to recognize and name bad behaviour! If I had stood up to these things from the beginning, the relationship might have been better in the long term. The other problem was that I was afraid of being alone. I clung to the security of the marriage because we had a good life—wilderness canoe trips, lots of friends, enough money, etc. In retrospect, I realize that he was not only cold and uncommunicative but had never been faithful to me, but something in me didn’t want to acknowledge the truth, let alone confront him.

After we had been together about five years, I saw the reality of it and went to a friend and asked if I could stay with her because I wanted to leave him. She talked me out of it!!! So, I didn’t have the courage to persist. I was only in my early thirties and had a life ahead of me. I could have had the opportunity to find a compatible partner and build a solid future. (My first husband had no interest in a spiritual life.)

After several years, we had a long awaited and much loved child. But when she was young, he told me that he had had a relationship with another woman and that he wished he could continue the relationship as well as the marriage. So I told him to forget it—and went on to be a single parent for the next twelve years. Luckily, he was a supportive father—although a cold personality

When the marriage ended, I was faced with a fork in the road. One side was the path of vengeance, the other of cooperation and respect. This was the biggest test of my life—to find the ability to mutually parent with him for the next twenty years and never speak disrespectfully about him to our daughter. My therapist was a spiritual person and her advice during that first critical time was to “detach” and “let God deal with them.” I felt myself consciously pulling back from the path of vengeance, thank God. That is the point where “forgiveness” was appropriate and necessary—the path was defined and one had to make it work as best possible.

Even so, my daughter tells me that I acted “too nice” with him. She thought I was a wimp in the face of his somewhat arrogant and cold behaviour toward me during our child-rearing period. In summary, there was virtue in carrying out our task as separated parents in an atmosphere of forgiveness rather than vengeance, but there was NO VIRTUE in having stayed with him against my better judgment in the early days. The foundation for a true marriage simply was not there. What I needed then was CLARITY and COURAGE. These also are virtues.

After writing all this, I am thinking that part of the preparation for Baha’i marriage should include descriptions of dysfunctional and destructive behaviour. One should become aware of such signs in choosing a partner, and after marriage, be able to realistically identify such attitudes and behaviours if they emerge—disrespect, dishonesty, lack of cooperation, lack of consultation, aggressive anger, intimidation, unfaithfulness, etc. If partners can name what they are seeing, the other person may learn something early on, rather than establishing a pattern.

I believe the Writings below encourage us to do just that–to trust our perceptions and speak the truth. Justice pervades life at all levels and we are always entitled to seek it. The quotes about the role of the institutions, it seems to me, are referring to more formal situations. But, there is much to be done on the individual and family level before taking these things to the institutions.

O SON OF SPIRIT!

The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.  (Baha’u'llah, the Arabic Hidden Words)

Truthfulness is the foundation of all the virtues of the world of humanity. Without truthfulness, progress and success in all of the worlds of God are impossible for a soul. When this holy attribute is established in man, all the divine qualities will also become realized.    (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v2, p. 459)

 

 

by Rachel Perry There was a moment when I was 18 when I first discovered the power of the present moment. I was suffering from post-traumatic stress after having been raped by my boyfriend several months prior and couldn’t seem to escape the blast from panic attacks and intense fear of something bad happening again. [...]

by Rachel Perry

There was a moment when I was 18 when I first discovered the power of the present moment. I was suffering from post-traumatic stress after having been raped by my boyfriend several months prior and couldn’t seem to escape the blast from panic attacks and intense fear of something bad happening again. A counsellor at the sexual abuse crisis centre taught me a few strategies to “become present.” She told me about feeling the ground beneath the soles of my feet. She told me about breathing deeply and reassuring myself that the traumatic moment was in the past and I am safe now. These strategies reminded me of the relaxing way I had felt when doing pre-show meditations with my drama class 3 years prior, in which we would listen to relaxing music (Pachelbel’s Canon) and visualize white light surrounding us and all darkness and stress leaving us.

The powerful moment which I remember when I was 18 was in a bathroom. I had just had a panic attack that was so severe it had me laying on the ground feeling paralyzed as though I were pinned by an elephant and suffocating. But the idea came to my mind “You can become “grounded” in the present moment and you can feel safe now.” So I started breathing deeply. I started taking notice of my surroundings. I slowly could sit up. I sat on the edge of the tub and looked at my feet, wiggled them around in my socks. “I am safe,” I told myself. And I filled up with a gratitude of the present moment which was safe. And I started to feel free from the past. I calmed myself down and that was when I had the powerful realization that to be completely free from the past I need to be completely aware of the present. And a whole world opened up for me.

It took me several years to break free from the addictive cycle of using alcohol to numb the pain. But by the time I was 21 I was experiencing the victory of my attentive focus to living in the moment. I enrolled in Journalism, got my own apartment, and was dedicating all my free time to reading the Sacred Bahá’í texts and serving and volunteering in the community.

Becoming Present became the most important door to me to escape every trial, ordeal, and tribulation that I encountered after that. And now, more than a decade later, I have found there are even more divine bounties and gifts available in the present moment. Books such as “The Power of Now” have made this mantra mainstream and have given us a glimpse into the possibilities available to the seeker who desires to live deeply, and live truly.

Living in the moment, going with the flow, “being aware” is a very important step on the journey to our inner selves. Awareness is the key – but we need not to be aware of the past or the future, we need only to be aware of the moment. So we do ourselves an injustice if we desire healing by re-visiting the painful memories looking for clues and answers. We will actually heal in a more true and empowering way when we put our focus instead in becoming “experts” of our own present moment. We begin by being aware of our outer surroundings and being at peace with that as we notice our breath, notice the sights and sounds around us, notice the sensations of our bodies – but this is only the beginning. Awareness of our inner world, our inner space, is where we will discover the great treasures that await us if we desire to discover them.

The difficulty is that we have been trained to not pay much attention to our inner selves, our inner lives, our inner beings. And in fact, our feelings – which are a great clue as to the condition of our inner world – have been made out to be the “enemy.” So we have become disconnected from our inner self, our spirit, our soul, that when we do become aware of a prompting from our True Selves, which may come as a “gut feeling” or an intuition or even as a “coincidence” we find ourselves confused and we may even shrug it off as non-sense. We have been so trained not to trust ourselves we feel confused at the beginning when we are letting go of the old learning and trusting in a new way of being – A Way of Being True To Ourselves.

But I feel really strongly that the very beginning of a path of happiness and True Well-being begins with first an awareness of the outer world at the moment and then of the inner world in the moment. And when we will sit quietly and silently for a few moments we are sending a message to our spirit that we are “listening” and once we are listening you can bet there is a lot to be heard.

Awareness and Awakening will happen slowly, slowly, slowly if we are viewing it in a way that measures time and years and this is the great joy of life. However, a person with a mind practiced in sitting and listening will find themselves becoming aware of a part of the human condition which is not bound by time and that awareness generates patience to tolerate the seemingly slow outer progress.

So, whatever the goal, whatever the aim, whatever the crisis, whatever the fear – the first answer is always to “sit and listen.” Become Aware. When you can bring with you a prayer into that moment of sitting and listening you will increase your receptivity to the answers that are all available to you. When you can use the Divinely Inspired Words from a Divine Messenger of God then you will heighten your receptivity even more so. But the key to unlocking the door to awareness is to sit and listen. Because when we do that, we are taking a stand against the waves of crisis which want us to believe there is terror and hopelessness. When we sit and listen despite the appearances of crisis we are showing ourselves we are ready to acknowledge the victory in that moment –  and there is always, always a victory. All that is required is our little willingness to see it.

By Rachel Perry   Storms blowing from all sides, Winds so strong breath is stolen, Left gasping for air, Hanging on to life with a hope, Emerging Happiness from Despair.   Fierce storms with ancient winds, Tearing down the land, Not bike, nor tree, nor house does stand, People cower, afraid, afraid, afraid When will [...]

By Rachel Perry

 

Storms blowing from all sides,

Winds so strong breath is stolen,

Left gasping for air,

Hanging on to life with a hope,

Emerging Happiness from Despair.

 

Fierce storms with ancient winds,

Tearing down the land,

Not bike, nor tree, nor house does stand,

People cower, afraid, afraid, afraid

When will it end.

 

On my bare arms winds beat,

Hair strewn across face and eyes

Whipping like the ancient whips

Which have whipped slaves and

Prisoners for ages and ages and ages.

 

I love you and accept you storm

Without fear or pain or worry.

I thank you storm for clearing away the

Illusions and ghosts that I have danced with in the night.

 

I take you storm, whether wrong or right

And know you are mine, you are me, you are all in me.

I take you storm and dance with your wind,

Free me from the ancient night

With your Eternal Gaze of Serenity.

Here, now, and always,

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Divine Creator let me live

In this storm with peace.

Make of me a Divine Storm Chaser then

Make of me an instrument that

Transforms mighty winds of night

Into powerful streams of light.

 

I’ll stand here, on this broken ground,

With blood and broken homes around,

I’ll stand here smiling with arms outstretched

Free from harm and pain and hex

I’ll stand here a mighty Tree

Giving thanks to the Almighty.

 

 

Recently someone asked me:  how did you unblock your memories? I would like to do that. I think I am ready. This is a great question! It was totally through the grace of God.  Every year of my son’s life, brought back everything that happened to me at the same age.  I don’t recommend it [...]

Recently someone asked me:  how did you unblock your memories? I would like to do that. I think I am ready.

This is a great question!

It was totally through the grace of God.  Every year of my son’s life, brought back everything that happened to me at the same age.  I don’t recommend it as an approach, since I had to live through it twice, at the expense of his childhood!

At the time, I had a very gifted therapist, who explained that memories come back 4 ways.  It’s called the BASK model.  It looks something like this:

Behaviour:  Sometimes you react to things in a way which is out of proportion to the situation – the classic one is a Vietnam vet diving for cover when a car backfires.  Tonight, for me, I reacted in a way that was over the top when I saw a child at the dinner table point a smoking pistol on his Blackberry towards his Dad.  It looked all the world like a real gun shooting his Dad.  It sent me into a full blown panic attack.  If I didn’t know  about my own childhood gun trauma, I wouldn’t understand why I react a certain way when I’m triggered.  Another example is that I wouldn’t wear a white wedding dress, because I had been defiled by the sexual abuse.  I didn’t understand it at the time, but once I got the memories back, it all made sense.

Affect:  Is when you feel feelings and you have no idea why.  For example, you might be filled with sadness or rage for no apparent reason.  You might cry easily, again for no apparent reason.  As a result of what happened to me tonight, I am feeling tremendous sadness and powerlessness; and rage at the father whose response was “boys will be boys”.  I’m feeling the feelings associated with my own childhood gun trauma; not the feelings of what happened tonight.  If I didn’t know what happened to me, I wouldn’t have a framework for dealing with the emotions.

Senses:  You might be triggered by something you see, hear, taste, touch or smell.  For example, my family used Ivory bar soap when I was growing up, so I associate the smell with them.  I can’t have it in my house, or use it if I’m at someone else’s house (well I can now, I just choose not to!).  For example, there’s been a lot of it at the food bank lately and I get it for my son, but I don’t use any of it.  Other people have told me they can’t eat anything white and creamy (rice pudding, tapioca pudding, ice cream . . . ) because of its obvious associations with semen.  For a long time I couldn’t give or receive a hug from a man or a woman because I believed “if you touch me, I have to have sex with you.”  I always avoided situations where people were hugging (and even now, when I have a context to put it in, I’m still often uncomfortable being touched).

Knowledge:  is the conscious knowledge of the memories.  For me, this was the last thing to come back and when it did, it explained so much, because I’d already had the experience with behaviour, affect and senses.  It helped me believe my story.

So if you’re experiencing behaviour, affect or sensory triggers, you’re already well on your way to recovering your memories!

Finally, even though I had all of that, I still had trouble believing what I know to be true.  I kept coming back to “maybe it didn’t happen”, because denial was a much easier place to be!  I found this quote from the Bahá’í Writings really helpful in keeping me grounded in my truth:

Consequently, it has become evident that the four criteria stan­dards of judgment by which the human mind reaches its conclusions (senses, intellect, traditional or scriptural and inspiration) are faulty and inaccurate. All of them are liable to mistake and error in conclu­sions. But a statement presented to the mind, accompanied by proofs which the senses can perceive to be correct, which the faculty of rea­son can accept, which is in accord with traditional authority and sanc­tioned by the promptings of the heart, can be adjudged and relied upon as perfectly correct, for it has been proved and tested by all the standards of judgment and found to be complete. When we apply but one test, there are possibilities of mistake. This is self-evident and manifest.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 255)

For me this is similar to the BASK model – it just goes a little further.

How have you unblocked your memories?  Post your comments here:

 

 

I was talking to someone the other day, about a problem she was having with her husband.  She felt that she was married to 2 different men, who she called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  You could tell that she loved Mr. Hyde very much, but when he switched into Dr. Jekyll she was afraid [...]

I was talking to someone the other day, about a problem she was having with her husband.  She felt that she was married to 2 different men, who she called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  You could tell that she loved Mr. Hyde very much, but when he switched into Dr. Jekyll she was afraid of him, and didn’t know what to do.

Her therapist was explaining the “cycle of abuse”, characterized by a predictable repetitious pattern of abuse, whether emotional, psychological or physical, with psychological abuse nearly always preceding and accompanying physical abuse.   We know that sustained periods of living in such a cycle may lead to learned helplessness and battered person syndrome.  So far, her marriage hadn’t reached this stage, and she had taken very creative steps to keep herself safe.  She was reaching the end of her resources, though, and wondered what she could do.

The abuse recovery model and the Bahá’í model can look very different.  On the one hand, both models agree that this is intolerable.  The Bahá’í Writings say:

Bahá’í men have the opportunity to demonstrate to the world around them a new approach to the relationship between the sexes, where aggression and the use of force are eliminated and replaced by cooperation and consultation. The Universal House of Justice has pointed out in response to questions addressed to it that, in a marriage relationship, neither husband nor wife should ever unjustly dominate the other, and that there are times when the husband and the wife should defer to the wishes of the other, if agreement cannot be reached through consultation; each couple should determine exactly under what circumstances such deference is to take place.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)

Where the Bahá’í Faith differs, relates to transformation:

As you know, the principle of the oneness of mankind is de­scribed in the Bahá’í Writings as the pivot round which all the Teach­ings of Bahá’u'lláh revolve. It has widespread implications which affect and remold all dimensions of human activity. It calls for a fundamental change in the manner in which people relate to each other, and the eradication of those age old practices which deny the intrinsic hu­man right of every individual to be treated with consideration and respect.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual, 24 January, 1993)

But what is the “fundamental change in the manner in which people relate to each other”?  It’s easy to identify virtues such as love and forgiveness, but the more difficult ones of patience, resignation and long-suffering are not on most therapists’ radar.

On the one hand, the Bahá’í Writings clearly say:

Hold thy husband dear and always show forth an amiable temper towards him, no matter how ill tempered he may be. Even if thy kindness maketh him more bitter, manifest thou more kindliness, more tenderness, be more loving and tolerate his cruel actions and ill-treatment.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Lights of Guidance, p. 226)

Now that you realize that your husband is ill, you should be able to reconcile yourself to the difficulties you have faced with him emotionally, and not take an unforgiving attitude, however much you may suffer.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 227)

We also know that when there is spousal abuse in the marriage, the feelings of one partner – maybe both – break. Those broken feelings destroy the trust and eat away at the foundations of the fortress.  If we look at abuse as a beast, this quote shows us what it does:

It is said, “The beast made war against these two witnesses” — that is to say, a spiritual war, meaning that the beast would act in entire opposition to the teachings, customs and institutions of these two witnesses, to such an extent that the virtues and perfections which were diffused by the power of those two witnesses among the peoples and tribes would be entirely dispelled, and the animal nature and carnal desires would conquer. Therefore, this beast making war against them would gain the victory — meaning that the darkness of error coming from this beast was to have ascendency over the horizons of the world, and kill those two witnesses — in other words, that it would destroy the spiritual life which they spread abroad in the midst of the nation, and entirely remove the divine laws and teachings, treading under foot the Religion of God. Nothing would thereafter remain but a lifeless body without spirit.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 51)

This may be a rather confusing passage, but I think what ‘Abdu’l-Bahá is saying is that when one partner acts in ways that are against the Bahá’í laws, the virtues possible in the marriage are dispelled, and the abuser’s lower nature kills the marriage and destroys the spiritual life of both, causing nothing to remain of the marriage but a “lifeless body without spirit”.

Can a marriage be saved if it’s a “lifeless body without spirit”?  Here is where the abuse model and the Bahá’í Faith differ.  The abuse model would say “no” and “get out now for your own sanity.”  And it would be right.

The Bahá’í Faith would say that when the emotional abuse in a marriage gets to be intolerable, you have 2 choices:  start a year of patience, during which time your spouse can work on his/her anger issues so that you can trust him/her again (or vice versa); or stay in the marriage and work on developing the virtues which will help you in the next world.

Obviously this decision will be between the individual and God and between the two partners, but here are some quotes to consider for both decisions.

On the one hand, the Bahá’í Writings say:

It is a great pity that two believers, united in this glorious Cause, and blessed with a family, should not be able to live together really harmoniously, and he feels you should take constructive action and not allow the situation to get worse. When the shadow of separation hangs over a husband and wife they should leave no stone unturned in their effort to avert its becoming a reality.  He urges you both to devote more of your time to teaching the Cause and to pray together that Bahá’u'lláh may give you a real and lasting love for each other.  (Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 451)

But what if one partner wants to obey the spirit of this injunction and the other one doesn’t?  Is it possible for the marriage to continue?  The answer is yes.  The only grounds for divorce in the Bahá’í Faith is irreconcilable antipathy, so as long as that point hasn’t been reached, there is still hope.

I was in that situation in my own marriage – I was willing to do everything in my power to avoid divorce, and my husband didn’t see anything wrong in the marriage.  I tried everything in my power to save it.  At the end, I knew that there was one thing I needed to hear, to help me stay, and when every therapist I consulted recommended divorce, I slipped into hopelessness and despair, and called it irreconcilable antipathy.  I carefully studied the meanings of antipathy:

1.  a natural, basic, or habitual repugnance; aversion.

2. an instinctive contrariety or opposition in feeling.

3. an object of natural aversion or habitual dislike.

The situation certainly felt irreconcilable to me, and I certainly had an aversion in his presence.  When a Bahá’í I trusted suggested that it might be God’s will for me to divorce, I finally consulted the Local Spiritual Assembly for a year of patience, and the marriage ultimately ended in divorce.  Years later, I heard the one thing that might have kept me in my marriage.  It was the idea that marriage is like the seasons.  ‘Abdu’l-Bahá describes it well:

At one time it is the season of spring; at another it is the season of autumn; and again it is the season of summer or the season of winter.  In the spring there are the clouds which send down the precious rain, the musk-scented breezes and life-giving zephyrs; the air is perfectly temperate, the rain falls, the sun shines, the fecundating wind wafts the clouds, the world is renewed, and the breath of life appears in plants, in animals and in men. Earthly beings pass from one condition to another. All things are clothed in new garments, and the black earth is covered with herbage; mountains and plains are adorned with verdure; trees bear leaves and blossoms; gardens bring forth flowers and fragrant herbs. The world becomes another world, and it attains to a life-giving spirit. The earth was a lifeless body; it finds a new spirit, and produces endless beauty, grace and freshness. Thus the spring is the cause of new life and infuses a new spirit.  Afterward comes the summer, when the heat increases, and growth and development attain their greatest power. The energy of life in the vegetable kingdom reaches to the degree of perfection, the fruit appears, and the time of harvest ripens; a seed has become a sheaf, and the food is stored for winter. Afterward comes tumultuous autumn when unwholesome and sterile winds blow; it is the season of sickness, when all things are withered, and the balmy air is vitiated. The breezes of spring are changed to autumn winds; the fertile green trees have become withered and bare; flowers and fragrant herbs fade away; the beautiful garden becomes a dustheap. Following this comes the season of winter, with cold and tempests. It snows, rains, hails, storms, thunders and lightens, freezes and congeals; all plants die, and animals languish and are wretched.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 73-74)

This is where my marriage ended.  It was clearly winter and everything was dead and lifeless.  I don’t think I’m alone here!  Who wants to stay in such a cold and bleak environment, when it looks like there is no hope?  Most of us (myself included), forget that:

When this state is reached, again a new life-giving spring returns, and the cycle is renewed. The season of spring with its hosts of freshness and beauty spreads its tent on the plains and mountains with great pomp and magnificence. A second time the form of the creatures is renewed, and the creation of beings begins afresh; bodies grow and develop, the plains and wildernesses become green and fertile, trees bring forth blossoms, and the spring of last year returns in the utmost fullness and glory. Such is, and such ought to be, the cycle and succession of existence. Such is the cycle and revolution of the material world.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 73-74)

Another thing to remember is that the transition from winter to spring is also very ugly – as the snow melts and everything becomes muddy, it’s hard to remember that new life is soon to come.

I think that staying in a marriage through this time helps us develop many virtues, including:

Patience:

Were it not for calamity, how would the sun of Thy patience shine, O Light of the worlds?  Lament not because of the wicked. Thou wert created to bear and endure, O Patience of the worlds.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Fire Tablet, Baha’i Prayers, p. 217)

He, verily, rewardeth beyond measure them that endure with patience.  (Baha’u'llah, Gems of Divine Mysteries, p. 71)

I think what Baha’u'llah is telling us here is that he created us to “bear and endure” and when we endure whatever life throws at us with patience, our rewards will be immense.  Short-term pain for long-term gain!

‘Abdu’l-Bahá understands how difficult it might be for some of us to have patience, particularly when we’ve been raised with poor role models ourselves:

For example, you see that children born from a weak and feeble father and mother will naturally have a feeble constitution and weak nerves; they will be afflicted, and will have neither patience, nor endurance, nor resolution, nor perseverance, and will be hasty; for the children inherit the weakness and debility of their parents.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 319)

This isn’t a justification for not having patience, but a way to be patient with ourselves when we haven’t been patient in the past, and something to overcome now that we know it.

Long Suffering:

The concept of “long suffering” is not one that is currently popular in our society, or in the abuse recovery field, so here are some quotes you might not have seen:

Bahá’u'lláh has clearly said in His Tablets that if you have an enemy, consider him not as an enemy. Do not simply be long-suffering; nay, rather, love him. Your treatment of him should be that which is becoming to lovers. Do not even say that he is your enemy. Do not see any enemies. Though he be your murderer, see no enemy. Look upon him with the eye of friendship.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 267)

If you’re looking for a role model of long-suffering you might want to read about the life of Bahiyyih Khanum.  The Universal House of Justice tells us:

Her meekness, her unassuming nature, the purity of her soul, the sensitivity of her heart, the calmness of her demeanour, her patience and long-suffering in trials, and above all, her unshakeable faith, her tenderness and love, and the spirit of self-renunciation which she evinced throughout her blessed life, are outstanding characteristics that we can well emulate.  (Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 557)

Here’s a prayer you can say to help acquire the virtues of patience and long-suffering:

I beseech Thee, O my Lord, by the sighs of Thy lovers throughout the world, and by their lamentation in their remoteness from the court of Thy presence, and by the blood that hath been shed for love of Thee, and by the hearts that have melted in Thy path, to protect Thy loved ones from the cruelty of such as have remained unaware of the mysteries of Thy Name, the Unconstrained. Assist them, O my Lord, by Thy power that hath prevailed over all things, and aid them to be patient and long-suffering.   Thou art the All-Powerful, the Almighty, the All-Bountiful. No God is there but Thee, the Generous, the Lord of grace abounding.  (Baha’u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 35-36)

Tolerance:

Be mindful that you do not consider him as an enemy and simply tolerate him, for that is but stratagem and hypocrisy. To consider a man your enemy and love him is hypocrisy. This is not becoming of any soul. You must behold him as a friend. You must treat him well. This is right.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 267)

Resignation:

Resignation is another virtue which is not very popular in today’s society but helps strengthen marriages.  Here are some quotes you may not have seen:

Such hath been the patience, the calm, the resignation and contentment of this people that they have become the exponents of justice, and so great hath been their forbearance, that they have suffered themselves to be killed rather than kill, and this notwithstanding that these whom the world hath wronged have endured tribulations the like of which the history of the world hath never recorded, nor the eyes of any nation witnessed. What is it that could have induced them to reconcile themselves to these grievous trials, and to refuse to put forth a hand to repel them? What could have caused such resignation and serenity? The true cause is to be found in the ban which the Pen of Glory hath, day and night, chosen to impose, and in Our assumption of the reins of authority, through the power and might of Him Who is the Lord of all mankind.  (Baha’u'llah, Epistle to the Son of the Wolf, p. 74-75)

They that yearn for the abode of the Beloved, they that circle round the sanctuary of the Desired One, are not apprehensive of trials and adversities, nor do they flee away from that which is ordained by God. They receive their portion from the ocean of resignation and drink their fill from the soft-flowing stream of His mercy. They would not surrender the good-pleasure of the Friend in exchange for the kingdom of both worlds, nor would they barter that which the Well-Beloved hath decreed in return for dominion over the realms of the infinite. They would eagerly drink the venom of woe as if it were the water of life and would drain deadly poison to its bitter dregs just as a sweet and life-giving draught. In the arid wastes of desolation they are stirred with enthusiasm through the remembrance of the Friend, and in the dreary wilds of adversity they are eager and impatient to offer themselves as a sacrifice. Unhesitatingly have they renounced their lives and directed their steps towards the abode of the Best Beloved. They have closed their eyes to the world and fixed their gaze upon the beauteous countenance of the Friend, cherishing no desire but the presence of the loved One and seeking no attainment save reunion with Him. They fly with the feathers of trust in God and soar with the wings of adherence unto His Will. In their estimation a blood-shedding blade is more desirable than finest silk and a piercing dart more acceptable than mother’s milk.  (Baha’u'llah, Fire and Light, p. 11)

The abuse recovery model suggests that there is something wrong with spouses who fall back into love, forgiveness and mercy, after every one of their husband’s outbursts, as though it was part of the problem.  Unfortunately this is where they differ from the standards of the Faith.  Here are some quotes which might help you think of it differently:

All these purified hearts and sanctified souls hastened with perfect resignation to the call of destiny. During occasions of complaint, nothing proceeded from them except thanksgiving, and in time of affliction, only submission was visible. It is an evident fact how much hatred, animosity and enmity the people of the earth entertained toward these companions, for they considered tormenting and oppressing these holy ideal countenances conducive to prosperity, salvation and everlasting success and gain . . . Notwithstanding all their sufferings and injuries, they became the objects of the curses of the people and the subject of censure by all the servants. It seemed as if patience originated in the world of existence from their self-restraint, and faithfulness appeared in the regions of the earth from their actions.  (Compilations, Baha’i Scriptures, p. 61)

This suggests that no matter what happens to us, we need to be resigned and not complain; we need to thank God and submit to His decree; we need to realize that if we can acquire these virtues, it will lead to prosperity, salvation and everlasting gain.

The following quote gives us some practical tools we can use:

Those, however, who have been trained and educated in the school of God, even when coming to such a pass, are resignation itself, and to the brutal aggressor they are as the living waters of Heaven. They are rivers of pure mercy and peace. Though powerful and well able to defend themselves, they never raise a hand to strike, nor do they open their lips to protest. They confront the others’ taunts and curses with prayers that God will forgive them, and their reply to the wounds of bullet and sword is to offer milk and honey. They kiss the murderer’s hand; as intoxicated lovers, they drain the martyr’s cup.  (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khanum, p. 165)

They give us a standard to work towards:

They that yearn for the abode of the Beloved, they that circle round the sanctuary of the Desired One, are not apprehensive of trials and adversities, nor do they flee away from that which is ordained by God. They receive their portion from the ocean of resignation and drink their fill from the soft-flowing stream of His mercy. They would not surrender the good-pleasure of the Friend in exchange for the kingdom of both worlds, nor would they barter that which the Well-Beloved hath decreed in return for dominion over the realms of the infinite. They would eagerly drink the venom of woe as if it were the water of life and would drain deadly poison to its bitter dregs just as a sweet and life-giving draught. In the arid wastes of desolation they are stirred with enthusiasm through the remembrance of the Friend, and in the dreary wilds of adversity they are eager and impatient to offer themselves as a sacrifice. Unhesitatingly have they renounced their lives and directed their steps towards the abode of the Best Beloved. They have closed their eyes to the world and fixed their gaze upon the beauteous countenance of the Friend, cherishing no desire but the presence of the loved One and seeking no attainment save reunion with Him. They fly with the feathers of trust in God, and soar with the wings of adherence unto His Will. In their estimation a blood-shedding blade is more desirable than finest silk and a piercing dart more acceptable than mother’s milk.  (Baha’u'llah, Fire and Light, p. 11)

This is a tough standard, indeed!  It suggests even if your life is being poisoned by someone’s behaviour; even if your marriage is desolate; even if the abuse hurts as much as a piercing dart, God still wants us to change our attitude to one of resignation, offering up our pain as a sacrifice, and looking to God for mercy.

Even in moments of catastrophe, we are to attain patience, resignation and submission:

O ye Cohorts of God! In the moment of catastrophe, find ye patience, resignation and submission.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 45)

God wants us to be patient, and to not complain about our suffering.

Blessed are the steadfastly enduring, they that are patient under ills and hardships, who lament not over anything that befalleth them, and who tread the path of resignation.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 129)

We are to submit ourselves without complaining, so that others won’t even know that anything is wrong:

However, relying upon God, we conducted ourselves with the utmost patience and submission, resignation and calmness; so much that if one did not know anything about these matters, he would have thought that we were in perfect ease of soul, enjoying the tranquility of heart mind, and were engaged in happiness and felicity.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Tablets of Abdu’l-Bahá v1, p. 45)

He wants us to detach ourselves from others, to resign ourselves to whatever happens without talking about our pain; without exalting ourselves over the person who is hurting us.

That seeker must, at all times, put his trust in God, must renounce the peoples of the earth, must detach himself from the world of dust, and cleave unto Him Who is the Lord of Lords. He must never seek to exalt himself above any one, must wash away from the tablet of his heart every trace of pride and vain-glory, must cling unto patience and resignation, observe silence and refrain from idle talk.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 264-265)

He wants us to thank Him for our tests, and submit ourselves to them.

All these stainless hearts and sanctified souls have, with absolute resignation, responded to the summons of His decree. Instead of complaining, they rendered thanks unto God, and amidst the darkness of their anguish they revealed naught but radiant acquiescence to His will.  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Iqan, p. 234)

His purpose in all of this is for us to acquire a saintly character, adorned with holy and goodly deeds.

The purpose of the one true God in manifesting Himself is to summon all mankind to . . . resignation and submissiveness to the Will of God, to forbearance and kindliness . . . His object is to array every man with the mantle of a saintly character, and to adorn him with the ornament of holy and goodly deeds.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 298)

He promises that if we learn how to trust His decrees, no one’s bad behaviour will ever depress his spirits, his inner life will be revived and the pain will entirely subside.

In truth were man to attain the stage of certitude in his spiritual development, no affliction could ever depress his spirits, though he would undoubtedly be influenced by reason of his human susceptibilities. Nevertheless, man’s inner being will be so revived by the breeze of divinely-ordained woes and trials that the dust of wailing and lamentation will entirely subside and the light of submissive resignation unto His Will shall shine forth like unto a radiant morn.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Fire and Light, p. 25)

Look at the lives of the martyrs for inspiration.  Many of them died at the hands of their oppressors, and accepted death willingly.  That’s the spirit we are called to attain:

In physical strength and fortitude one of these Bahá’ís could have withstood many of their enemies, but they accepted martyrdom in the spirit of complete resignation and nonresistance. Many of them died, crying out, “O Lord! Forgive them; they know not what they do. If they knew, they would not commit this wrong.” In the throes of martyrdom they willingly offered all they possessed in this life.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 384)

Again we see Bahiyyih Khanum as a role model for resignation:

That heavenly being [Bahiyyih Khanum] displayed throughout her life such evidence of glory and dignity, such manifestations of majesty and greatness, such a degree of patience and resignation as bewildered the minds and souls. In the midst of trials her radiant face bore the likeness of a sweet rose and in moments of sore tribulation she was resplendent as a brilliant candle.  (Compilations, Bahiyyih Khanum, p. 84)

Here’s an affirmation you can use to help strengthen your resignation:

Thine is the command at all times, O Thou Who art the Lord of all names; and mine is resignation and willing submission to Thy will, O Creator of the heavens!  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 95)

The standards set by the Faith are very high, but so are the rewards:

They that yearn for the abode of the Beloved, they that circle round the sanctuary of the Desired One, are not apprehensive of trials and adversities, nor do they flee away from that which is ordained by God. They receive their portion from the ocean of resignation and drink their fill from the soft-flowing stream of His mercy. They would not surrender the good-pleasure of the Friend in exchange for the kingdom of both worlds, nor would they barter that which the Well-Beloved hath decreed in return for dominion over the realms of the infinite. They would eagerly drink the venom of woe as if it were the water of life and would drain deadly poison to its bitter dregs just as a sweet and life-giving draught. In the arid wastes of desolation they are stirred with enthusiasm through the remembrance of the Friend, and in the dreary wilds of adversity they are eager and impatient to offer themselves as a sacrifice. Unhesitatingly have they renounced their lives and directed their steps towards the abode of the Best Beloved. They have closed their eyes to the world and fixed their gaze upon the beauteous countenance of the Friend, cherishing no desire but the presence of the loved One and seeking no attainment save reunion with Him. They fly with the feathers of trust in God. and soar with the wings of adherence unto His Will. In their estimation a blood-shedding blade is more desirable than finest silk and a piercing dart more acceptable than mother’s milk.  (Baha’u'llah, Fire and Light, p. 11)

In order to preserve a marriage to Dr. Jekyll, so that it lasts through all the worlds of God, the virtues needed the most (in addition to love and forgiveness) might include patience, resignation and long-suffering.

On the other hand, the Bahá’í Writings also say:

If a Bahá’í woman suffers abuse or is subjected to rape by her husband, she has the right to turn to the assembly for assistance and counsel, or to seek legal protection.  Such an abuse would gravely jeopardize the continuation of the marriage, and could well lead to a condition of irreconcilable antipathy.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)

At present the prevailing method, within the Australian community, of treating domestic violence, is to advise the couple to sepa­rate and to seek treatment from professional counseling services. It is suggested that Assemblies follow this method of treating domestic violence also. If, alternatively, the couple is counseled to remain to­gether to try and reconcile their differences, there can be no guarantee that the violence will not recur, in which case the Assembly could appear, inadvertently, to be condoning it. If the couple separate, how­ever, the role of the Assembly can then become that of providing an independent forum within which the couple can come together and try to resolve their differences.  (National Spiritual Assembly of Australia’s Policy Regarding Domestic Violence, From Australian Bahá’í Bulletin, July 1990.)

Perhaps it’s time for a year of patience.  The purpose of it is to:

During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their difference, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 390)

Unfortunately most couples enter into it too late – when they have no intention of working on the marriage or the issues which led up to it falling apart.

Conclusion:

As we know, there are many seeming contradictions in the Writings. Examining them can lead to greater depth of insight and the understanding that reality is complex; some of these statements refer to different kinds of situations, or must be applied in combination. The juxtaposition of these seeming contradictions prevents us from turning the Writings into a “cookbook” with a simple recipe for every situation. These contradictions force us to engage our own minds and exercise judgment.

This quote says it nicely:

The personal transformation required for true equality will undoubtedly be difficult for men and women alike. Both must relinquish all attachment to guilt and blame and courageously assume responsibility for their own part in transforming the societies in which they live.  (Baha’i International Community, 1995 Sept 13, Role of Religion in Promoting Advancement of Women)

I’m not sure it’s the individual’s job to look for justice in a marriage, as these quotes suggest:

It should be realized that there is a distinction drawn in the Faith between the attitudes which should characterize individuals in their relationship to other people, namely, loving forgiveness, forbearance, and concern with one’s own sins, not the sins of others, and those attitudes which should be shown by the Spiritual Assemblies, whose duty is to administer the law of God with Justice.  (Universal House of Justice, Messages from the Universal House of Justice 1968-1973, p. 110)

Love is the standard which must govern the conduct of one believer towards another. The administrative order does not change this, but unfortunately sometimes the friends confuse the two, and try to be a whole spiritual assembly,  –  with the discipline and justice and impartiality that body must show,  –  to each other, instead of being forgiving, loving and patient to each other as individuals.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 403)

The greatest need it seems everywhere inside the Cause is to impress upon the friends the need for love among them. There is a tendency to mix up the functions of the Administration and try to apply it in individual relationships, which is abortive, because the Assembly is a nascent House of Justice and is supposed to administer, according to the Teachings, the affairs of the Community. But individuals towards each other are governed by love, unity, forgiveness and a sin-covering eye. Once the friends grasp this they will get along much better, but they keep playing Spiritual Assembly to each other and expect the Assembly to behave like an individual.  (Shoghi Effendi, Directives from the Guardian, p. 41-42)

Is there hope for this marriage?  I think there is.  As Shoghi Effendi said:

Marriage problems are often very involved and subtle, and we Bahá’ís, being enlightened and progressive people, should not hesitate, if it seems necessary or desirable, to turn to science for help in such matters. If you and your husband talked over your problems — together or separately — with a good physician you might find that you can cure your own husband, or at least try to do so. (Shoghi Effendi, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 451)

By studying, understanding and applying the guidance in this posting, I think there’s hope!  What do you think?  Post your comments here:

 

 

 

 

 

I listened to a talk show this morning on bullying after a teen-suicide took place in our small community; and in response to an emotional video that’s gone viral, in which a 13 year old tells his story about having been bullied since he was in grade 2.  He’s now going into grade 8 and [...]

I listened to a talk show this morning on bullying after a teen-suicide took place in our small community; and in response to an emotional video that’s gone viral, in which a 13 year old tells his story about having been bullied since he was in grade 2.  He’s now going into grade 8 and afraid of what this year at school will bring.  Click here to watch it.

I wondered what the Bahá’í Faith would have to offer this young man, to give him hope, other than love and compassion.  And if we did, would it be enough?

In the following quote, the House of Justice refers to the sacrifices being made by the Bahá’ís in Iran, who surely are suffering at the hands of some of the world’s worst bullies.  They suggest that these sufferings are part of God’s plan:

At a moment in Bahá’í history when the persecuted, beleaguered friends in the Cradle of the Faith heroically continue to face the trials ordained for them in the Major Plan of God, meeting martyrdom, as need be, with joyous acceptance . . . (Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 556)

As far as I can tell, bullying is a problem which has to start with a fundamental shift in parenting; followed by changes in the way society deals with bullies.  It’s not enough for schools to have zero tolerance policies (as necessary as they are), because bullies will only take it out of the school and into the social media.  There has been an alarming incidence of children committing suicide after having been bullied on social networking sites such as Facebook.

In the recent guidance from the House of Justice, they talk to parents very frankly about their role in parenting and what needs to change.  They say:

What needs to be appreciated in this respect is the extent to which young minds are affected by the choices parents make for their own lives, when, no matter how unintentionally, no matter how innocently, such choices condone the passions of the world—its admiration for power, its adoration of status, its love of luxuries, its attachment to frivolous pursuits, its glorification of violence, and its obsession with self-gratification.   (Universal House of Justice, to the Conference of the Continental Boards of Counsellors, 28 Dec. 2010)

To address the isolation and pain felt by so many, they say:

It must be realized that the isolation and despair from which so many suffer are products of an environment ruled by an all-pervasive materialism. And in this the friends must understand the ramifications of Bahá’u’lláh’s statement that “the present-day order” must “be rolled up, and a new one spread out in its stead.”  (Universal House of Justice, to the Conference of the Continental Boards of Counsellors, 28 Dec. 2010)

It made me think about the major and minor plans of God, which result in conflicting emotions.  With regards to bullying, the Faith offers hope that it will disappear once we have the lesser peace, and on the other hand, we might feel powerless in the face of it happening to our family and friends:

Our fellow human beings everywhere are insensibly subjected at one and the same time to the conflicting emotions incited by the continuous operation of simultaneous processes of “rise and of fall, of integration and of disintegration, of order and chaos”. These Shoghi Effendi identified as aspects of the Major Plan and Minor Plan of God, the two known ways in which His purpose for humankind is going forward.  (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 155, 1998)

So what exactly is the Major Plan of God?

The Major Plan is associated with turbulence and calamity and proceeds with an apparent, random disorderliness, but is, in fact, inexorably driving humanity towards unity and maturity. Its agency for the most part is the people who are ignorant of its course and even antagonistic towards its aim.

And the Minor Plan of God?

The part of God’s Plan that is revealed by Bahá’u'lláh to His followers and is laid out for them in detailed instructions and successive plans by ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Shoghi Effendi, and the Universal House of Justice. In contrast to the Major Plan of God, it proceeds in a methodical, ordered way, disseminating His teachings and raising up the structure of a united world society.  (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 747)

Unlike His Major Plan, which works mysteriously, God’s Minor Plan is clearly delineated, operates according to orderly and well-known processes, and has been given to us to execute. Its ultimate goal is the Most Great Peace. The four-year-long campaign, at the mid-point of which we have arrived, constitutes the current stage in the Minor Plan. It is to the achievement of its purpose that we must all devote our attention and energies.  (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 155, 1998)

And where does bullying fit in?

As Shoghi Effendi has pointed out, God’s Major Plan uses “both the mighty and the lowly as pawns in His world-shaping game, for the fulfilment of His immediate purpose and the eventual establishment of His Kingdom on earth.” (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 155, 1998)

I HATED this quote when I first encountered it at a time in my life when I was coming to terms with my own experiences of being bullied.  I didn’t want to be part of God’s chess game!   But over the years, I’ve come to use it as a touchstone for understanding the forces at work in the world, which ultimately will have the end we’re all longing for – world peace.

The acceleration of the processes it generates is lending impetus to developments which, with all the initial pain and heartache attributable to them, we Bahá’ís see as signs of the emergence of the Lesser Peace.  (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 155, 1998)

I found it comforting to learn that there is a role for me to play in executing the Minor Plan:

 The working out of God’s Major Plan proceeds mysteriously in ways directed by Him alone, but the Minor Plan that He has given us to execute, as our part in His grand design for the redemption of mankind, is clearly delineated. It is to this work that we must devote all our energies, for there is no one else to do it.   (Universal House of Justice, Wellspring of Guidance, p. 133-34)

The House has given us some concrete ways when talking about the sacrifices of the Bahá’ís in Iran:

. . . it behoves the friends throughout the Bahá’í world to endeavour by their own greatly increased acts of self-abnegation to make fruitful the spiritual energies released by the sacrifices of their stricken brethren.  (Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 556)

How on earth can we “make fruitful the spiritual energies released”?  I think the answer lies in the “Minor plan of God.”  Surely this means active involvement in the core activities:  devotional gatherings (during which we can pray for the situations of bullying we witness in the lives of others); study circles (during which we can learn the standards of the Faith and how to translate them into action in our lives); children’s classes (during which we can teach them the virtues they need to live their lives); and junior youth programs (during which we can give the students a language in which to understand and transform bullying).

I can understand that this might not be seen as enough, and there is definitely more things that Bahá’ís can get involved in:

Bahá’í communities are, of course, engaged in a range of indispensable endeavours such as public information activity, proclamation efforts, external affairs work, production of literature, and complex social and economic development projects. (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 158, to the Conference of the Continental Counsellors)

A spiritual process is called for, one in which we adjust our understanding of the forces at work which are impelling humanity towards its peaceful destiny.

 At its core it is a spiritual process in which communities and institutions strive to align their pursuits with the Will of God. The Major Plan of God is at work and the forces it generates impel humanity towards its destiny.   (The Universal House of Justice, Ridván 158, to the Conference of the Continental Counsellors)

Whether we like it or not, there is a difference between the role of the institutions and the role of the individuals.  We need to be loving and forgiving towards bullies, and leave the justice to the institutions.

There is a tendency to mix up the functions of the Administration and try to apply it in individual relationships, which is abortive, because the Assembly is a nascent House of Justice and is supposed to administer, according to the Teachings, the affairs of the Community. But individuals towards each other are governed by love, unity, forgiveness and a sin-covering eye. Once the friends grasp this they will get along much better.  (Shoghi Effendi, Directives from the Guardian, p. 41-42)

The institutions have specific things they can do:

In their own plans of action, the institutions of the Faith must seek to gain insight into the operation of these great forces, explore the potentialities of the people they serve, measure the resources and strengths of their communities, and take practical steps to enlist the unreserved participation of the believers.  (The Universal House of Justice, Ridván 158, to the Conference of the Continental Counsellors)

And the individuals have a supportive role to play:

The nurturing of this process is the sacred mission entrusted to you.  (The Universal House of Justice, Ridván 158, to the Conference of the Continental Counsellors)

So while my heart aches for and with those who are being bullied, it helps to understand that it’s all part of God’s mysterious plan, and that in the fullness of time it will all be eliminated.

When the Major Plan of God interferes with His Minor Plan, there should be no doubt that in due course a way will providentially be opened to an opportunity of stellar possibilities for advancing the interests of His glorious Cause.  (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 160, 2003)

Tom Price had a very interesting comment to make about the Major and Minor Plans of God, in his talks on the Five Year Plan:  he said that every time he’s affected by something going on the world, he reminds himself that it’s the “major plan of God”, which frees him up to do what he can to fulfill the “minor plan”.  This helps me have a context to put it in.  If you haven’t had a chance to listen to them, they’re really good.  This comment was from the third talk.  Click here to listen:

The House of Justice gives us some final guidance for giving us a new way of looking at both bullying and all of the other signs of the decline of the Old World Order:

At times it may seem that the operation of the Major Plan causes a disruption in the work of the Minor Plan, but the friends have every reason to remain undismayed. For they recognize the source of the recurrent turbulence at play in the world and, in the words of our Guardian, “acknowledge its necessity, observe confidently its mysterious processes, ardently pray for the mitigation of its severity, intelligently labour to assuage its fury, and anticipate, with undimmed vision, the consummation of the fears and the hopes it must necessarily engender.”  (Universal House of Justice, Ridván 155, 1998)

I’m not sure this will help the children being bullied, but if the adults truly understood, they could give their children some concrete support to get through it and past it, as has been done in the families of the Bahá’ís in Iran.  In the meantime, please God, hasten the establishment of the lesser peace!

 

When trying to come to terms with the abuse I suffered as a child, I desperately wanted to know that there would be justice served to my perpetrators.  What follows is a brief compilation of quotes which helped me come to terms with this subject.  Hope you find it helpful. How do we know that [...]

When trying to come to terms with the abuse I suffered as a child, I desperately wanted to know that there would be justice served to my perpetrators.  What follows is a brief compilation of quotes which helped me come to terms with this subject.  Hope you find it helpful.

How do we know that God sees the violence and abuse which goes on in homes and on streets around the world? 

Think not the deeds ye have committed have been blotted from My sight . . . All your doings hath My pen graven with open characters upon tablets of chrysolite.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Hidden Words, Persian 63)

What is Justice?

The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice; turn not away therefrom if thou desirest Me, and neglect it not that I may confide in thee. By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbor. Ponder this in thy heart; how it behooveth thee to be. Verily justice is My gift to thee and the sign of My loving-kindness. Set it then before thine eyes.  (Baha’u'llah, Hidden Words, Arabic 2)

Justice hath a mighty force at its command. It is none other than reward and punishment for the deeds of men. By the power of this force the tabernacle of order is established throughout the world, causing the wicked to restrain their natures for fear of punishment.        (Baha’u'llah, Tablets of Baha’u'llah, p. 164)

Justice is not limited, it is a universal quality. Its operation must be carried out in all classes, from the highest to the lowest. Justice must be sacred, and the rights of all the people must be considered. Desire for others only that which you desire for yourselves. Then shall we rejoice in the Sun of Justice, which shines from the Horizon of God. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 159-160)

Who Deserves Justice?

Is it not an evidence of the justice of God that each of us, irrespective of family background, is assessed in terms of the efforts we have made to seize whatever opportunities existed in our lives, to develop and use our allotted talent, be it large or small? “Each shall receive his share from the Lord”, is Bahá’u'lláh’s assurance.  (The Universal House of Justice, 1985 Dec 02, Child Abuse, Psychology and Knowledge of Self)

Each man has been placed in a post of honour, which he must not desert. A humble workman who commits an injustice is as much to blame as a renowned tyrant. Thus we all have our choice between justice and injustice.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Paris Talks, p. 159)

How does God Exercise Justice in the Next World?

O OPPRESSORS ON EARTH!  Withdraw your hands from tyranny, for I have pledged Myself not to forgive any man’s injustice. This is My covenant which I have irrevocably decreed in the preserved tablet and sealed with My seal.  (Baha’u'llah, Hidden Words, Persian 64)

. . . see for themselves beyond any doubt that there is no fiercer hell, no more fiery abyss, than to possess a character that is evil and unsound; no more darksome pit nor loathsome torment than to show forth qualities which deserve to be condemned.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 136)

O heedless ones! Though the wonders of My mercy have encompassed all created things, both visible and invisible, and though the revelations of My grace and bounty have permeated every atom of the universe, yet the rod with which I can chastise the wicked is grievous, and the fierceness of Mine anger against them terrible.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 325)

It is clear and evident that all men shall, after their physical death, estimate the worth of their deeds, and realize all that their hands have wrought. I swear by the Day Star that shineth above the horizon of Divine power! They that are the followers of the one true God shall, the moment they depart out of this life, experience such joy and gladness as would be impossible to describe, while they that live in error shall be seized with such fear and trembling, and shall be filled with such consternation, as nothing can exceed.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 171)

The penalties for wounding or striking a person depend upon the severity of the injury; for each degree the Lord of Judgement hath prescribed a certain indemnity. He is, in truth, the Ordainer, the Mighty, the Most Exalted. We shall, if it be Our Will, set forth these payments in their just degrees — this is a promise on Our part, and He, verily, is the Keeper of His pledge, the Knower of all things.  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 39)

It is even possible that the condition of those who have died in sin and unbelief may become changed — that is to say, they may become the object of pardon through the bounty of God, not through His justice — for bounty is giving without desert, and justice is giving what is deserved. As we have power to pray for these souls here, so likewise we shall possess the same power in the other world, which is the Kingdom of God. Are not all the people in that world the creatures of God? Therefore, in that world also they can make progress.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 231)

How does God Exercise Justice in this World?

Know thou that ordeals are of two kinds.  One is for tests, and the other for punishment of misdeeds . . . that which is for punishment of deeds is sever retribution.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Divine Art of Living, p. 85)

In the same way they consider that the spiritual punishment, that is to say the torture and punishment of existence, is to be subjected to the world of nature, to be veiled from God, to be brutal and ignorant, to fall into carnal lusts, to be absorbed in animal frailties; to be characterized with dark qualities, such as falsehood, tyranny, cruelty, attachment to the affairs of the world, and being immersed in satanic ideas; for them, these are the greatest punishments and tortures.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Baha’i World Faith, p. 324)

But man hath perversely continued to serve his lustful appetites, and he would not content himself with simple foods. Rather, he prepared for himself food that was compounded of many ingredients, of substances differing one from the other. With this, and with the perpetrating of vile and ignoble acts, his attention was engrossed, and he abandoned the temperance and moderation of a natural way of life. The result was the engendering of diseases both violent and diverse.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 152-153)

Sometimes it Seems that Abusers “Get Away with It”

Shouldst Thou ordain evil for a servant by reason of that which his hands have unjustly wrought before Thy face, Thou wouldst test him with the benefits of this world and of the next that he might become preoccupied therewith and forget Thy remembrance.   (The Báb, Selections from the Writings of the Báb, p. 192)

He hath, however, caused you to be entangled with (the) affairs (of the world) , in return for what your hands have wrought in His Cause.  This, indeed, is a chastisement which ye, of your own will, have inflicted upon yourselves, could ye but perceive it. (Bahá’u'lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh, p. 209)

I swear by God!  The promised day is come, the day when tormenting trials will have surged above your heads, and beneath your feet, saying: Taste ye what your hands have wrought! (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 68)

Grieve thou not over those that have busied themselves with the things of this world, and have forgotten the remembrance of God . . . The day is approaching when the wrathful anger of the Almighty will have taken hold of them (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 68-9)

Do we have a Responsibility to Punish People in this World?

Question.  –  Should a criminal be punished, or forgiven and his crime overlooked? Answer. — There are two sorts of retributory punishments. One is vengeance, the other, chastisement. Man has not the right to take vengeance, but the community has the right to punish the criminal; and this punishment is intended to warn and to prevent so that no other person will dare to commit a like crime. This punishment is for the protection of man’s rights, but it is not vengeance; vengeance appeases the anger of the heart by opposing one evil to another. This is not allowable, for man has not the right to take vengeance. But if criminals were entirely forgiven, the order of the world would be upset. So punishment is one of the essential necessities for the safety of communities, but he who is oppressed by a transgressor has not the right to take vengeance. On the contrary, he should forgive and pardon, for this is worthy of the world of man.   (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 268)

What is the Purpose of Punishment?

Some people are like bloodthirsty wolves: if they see no punishment forthcoming, they will kill men merely for pleasure and diversion.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 270)

How are we to Punish?

The other kind of torment is gross — such as penalties, imprisonment, beating, expulsion and banishment. But for the people of God separation from God is the greatest torment of all.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 265)

Observe how many penal institutions, houses of detention and places of torture are made ready to receive the sons of men, the purpose being to prevent them, by punitive measures, from committing terrible crimes — whereas this very torment and punishment only increaseth depravity, and by such means the desired aim cannot be properly achieved.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, The Compilation of Compilations vol. I, p. 262)

If someone is Punished in this World, will God Punish Him in the Next?

As to the question regarding the soul of a murderer, and what his punishment would be, the answer given was that the murderer must expiate his crime: that is, if they put the murderer to death, his death is his atonement for his crime, and following the death, God in His justice will impose no second penalty upon him, for divine justice would not allow this.          (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 178)

Is Forgiveness a Part of Justice?

But if criminals were entirely forgiven, the order of the world would be upset. So punishment is one of the essential necessities for the safety of communities . . . (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 268)

The canopy of existence . . . resteth upon the pole of justice, and not of forgiveness, and the life of mankind dependeth on justice and not on forgiveness.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, The Advent of Divine Justice, p. 28)

The community has no hatred nor animosity for the murderer: it imprisons or punishes him merely for the protection and security of others. It is not for the purpose of taking vengeance upon the murderer, but for the purpose of inflicting a punishment by which the community will be protected. If the community and the inheritors of the murdered one were to forgive and return good for evil, the cruel would be continually ill-treating others, and assassinations would continually occur. Vicious people, like wolves, would destroy the sheep of God. The community has no ill-will and rancor in the infliction of punishment, and it does not desire to appease the anger of the heart; its purpose is by punishment to protect others so that no atrocious actions may be committed.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 269)

What is the Attitude of the One Being Punished?

You have already, through at last facing yourself and acknowledging that you have both failed and erred in managing your life so far, set your feet on the right path. But now this new and spiritual condition in you is going to be proved – and the proving, the testing, will surely consist of the way you determine to take your punishment. Life is based on laws: physical, man-made, and spiritual. As you have broken the laws of the society in which you live, you will have to stand up like a man and take your punishment. The spirit in which you do this is the most important thing, and constitutes a great opportunity for you . . . at present, until your sentence is up, you must live within yourself in a way not to spoil the new future awaiting you. You must not become bitter – for after all you are only reaping what you planted. Bahá’u'lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá through no crime of their own, spent the better part of their lives in exile and imprisoned, but they never became embittered although they were the victims of in­justice. You, on the other hand, are the victim of injustice which you have inflicted on yourself – therefore you certainly have no right to be bitter towards the world.  He urges you to grasp firmly the teachings of our Faith, the love of your family and many Bahá’í friends, to put the past behind entirely, realizing that it can do you no more harm; on the contrary, through changing you and making you spiritually aware, this very past can be a means of enriching your life in the future!  (Shoghi Effendi, The Unfolding Destiny of the British Baha’i Community, p. 449)

What role do the Institutions play?

As to the punishments for such acts as rape, these will be determined in the future by the Universal House of Justice.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer,  8 June 1982)

It is inevitable that this community will, at times, be subject to delinquent behaviour of members whose actions do not conform to the standards of the Teachings. At such times, the institutions of the Faith will not hesitate to apply Bahá’í law with justice and fairness in full confidence that the Divine Law is the means for the true happiness of all concerned.  However, it should be recognized that the ultimate solution to the problems of humanity lies not in penalties and punishments, but rather in spiritual education and illumination.         (The Universal House of Justice, 1992, Violence and Sexual Abuse of Women and Children)

He (Bahá’u’lláh) has indi­cated that under certain circumstances, the parents could be deprived of the right of parenthood as a consequence of their actions. The Uni­versal House of Justice has the right to legislate on this matter. It has decided for the present that all cases should be referred to it in which the conduct or character of a parent appears to render him unworthy of having such parental rights as that of giving consent to marriage. Such questions could arise, for example, when a parent has committed incest, or when the child was conceived as a consequence of rape, and also when a parent consciously fails to protect the child from flagrant sexual abuse.  (The Universal House of Justice, 1992, Violence and Sexual Abuse of Women and Children)

In caring for its community, a Spiritual Assembly should act as a loving father rather than as a stern judge in such matters.  Nevertheless, if a believer’s behaviour is blatantly and flagrantly immoral and, therefore, is harmful to the good name of the Faith, the Assembly must counsel him (or her), urge him to reform his conduct, warn him of the consequences if he does not mend his ways and, ultimately, if the believer persists in misbehaviour, the Assembly must deprive him of his administrative rights.  This deprivation remains in force until such time as the believer repents of his actions and is able to satisfy the Spiritual Assembly that he has rectified his behaviour.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 363)

 While the Assembly should always be concerned about matters which might affect the good name of the Faith, it should be remembered that a believer involved in such matters is entitled to the understanding of the Assembly and may need its guidance and assistance both before and after any decision regarding sanctions is made.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 57)

 

What about loss of administrative rights?

We wish to emphasize, however, that although all immorality is condemned in the Teachings, it is only flagrant immorality that is now sanctionable.  You should not pry into people’s affairs, and only in cases of flagrant immorality should you consider imposing sanctions, and then only after you have patiently explained to the believers concerned the Bahá’í laws involved and given them ample time to comply.  Particularly in the application of these laws to indigenous people should you be patient and forbearing.  The emphasis should be on education rather than on rigid enforcement of the law immediately.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, pp. 383-384)

 The general basis for the deprivation of voting rights is of course gross immorality and open opposition to the administrative functions of the Faith, and disregard for the laws of personal status; and even then it is the duty of the National Assembly, before exercising this sanction, to confer with the individuals involved in a loving manner to help them overcome the problem; second, to warn them that they must desist; third, to issue further warnings if the original warnings are not followed; and finally, if there seems no other way to handle the matter, then a person may be deprived of voting rights.  The Guardian however, wishes the National Assemblies to be very cautious in using this sanction, because it might be abused, and then lose its efficacy. It should be used only when there seems no other way to solve the problem.  Answering specifically the questions you raise, if a person is deprived of his voting rights, he may not contribute to the Local or National Funds; he may not attend Nineteen Day Feasts.  Of course, not attending the Nineteen Day Feasts, he can take no part in consultation.  While it is not forbidden for the friends to associate with the individual, yet their association should be on a formal basis.  So far as the individual who has been deprived of his voting rights, teaching the Cause, he is of course free to do this, as every individual has been encouraged by Bahá’u'lláh to teach the Cause.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, pp. 50-51)

 We feel that the Assembly should exercise its utmost wisdom when depriving believers of their administrative privileges, each case should be considered on its individual merits, and it should be realized that the application of Bahá’í  sanctions is not an automatic action in response to a verdict of the court.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 53)

 Applying these principles requires mature understanding and judgement and great love for one’s fellow men.  It is a weighty responsibility which rests upon the shoulders of the members of Spiritual Assemblies.  Undoubtedly errors are made and will continue to be made, but the more the friends are united and wholeheartedly support their Assemblies, the sooner will these mature in their decisions and actions, outgrow their mistakes, and become strong magnets for the Faith.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice, 22 July, 1981)

What about Confession and Making Amends?

Bahá’u'lláh prohibits confession to, and seeking absolution of one’s sins from, a human being, and enjoins the sinner, when alone, to repent before God, for it is He Who forgives. In this connection the Guardian’s secretary wrote on his behalf to an individual believer: “We are forbidden to confess to any person, as do the Catholics to their priests, our sins and shortcomings, or to do so in public, as some religious sects do. However, if we spontaneously desire to acknowledge we have been wrong in something, or that we have some fault of character, and ask another person’s forgiveness or pardon, we are quite free to do so.”        (Baha’u'llah, Synopsis and Codification of the Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 64)

The Guardian wants to point out, however, that we are not obliged to do so.  It rests entirely with the individual.   (From a letter written by the Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly, 19 March 1973)

You have asked about the need “to make amends for transgressions of a personal nature”. As you know, each individual must resolve his own tests according to the promptings of his conscience.  (The Universal House of Justice, 1985 Dec 02, Child Abuse, Psychology and Knowledge of Self)

What compensation is there for the victim?  

He shall cleanse the earth from the defilement of their corruption, and shall give it for an heritage unto such of His servants as are nigh unto Him.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 68-9)

Let not the happenings of the world sadden you. I swear by God! The sea of joy yearneth to attain your presence, for every good thing hath been created for you, and will, according to the needs of the times, be revealed unto you.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 69)

O my servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will no doubt attain.          (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 69)

So great are the things ordained for the steadfast that were they, so much as the eye of a needle, to be disclosed, all who are in heaven and on earth would be dumbfounded, except such as God, the Lord of all worlds, hath willed to exempt . . . I swear by God! That which hath been destined for him who aideth My Cause excelleth the treasures of the earth.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 71)

With them [the Prophets of God and His chosen ones] that soul will freely converse, and will recount unto them that which it hath been made to endure in the path of God, the Lord of all worlds.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Gleanings From the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh, p. 156).

The friends must not feel too crushed by the sufferings that are so piteously afflicting humanity. They must realize that the hotter the fire the more malleable the metal becomes, and take hope that out of the agony of the present the future will be born – the glorious future of peace and unity amongst the sons of men. Evidently only intense misery will prove sufficiently strong to purge the hearts of men.  (From a letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, 26 March, 1942)

In addition, we know from the Bahá’í writings that man’s soul ‘is independent of all infirmities of body or mind’, and not only continues to exist ‘after departing from this mortal world’, but progresses ‘through the bounty and grace of the Lord’. Therefore, an evaluation of man’s material existence and achievements cannot ignore the potential spiritual development stimulated by the individual’s desire to manifest the attributes of God and his response to the exigencies of his life, nor can it exclude the possibility of the operations of God’s mercy in terms of compensation for earthly suffering, in the next life.  (The Universal House of Justice, Messages 1963 to 1986, p. 662)

As to the subject of babes and infants and weak ones who are afflicted by the hands of oppressors: this contains great wisdom and this subject is of paramount importance. In brief, for those souls there is a recompense in another world and many details are connected with this matter. For those souls that suffering is the greatest mercy of God. Verily that mercy of the Lord is far better and preferable to all the comfort of this world and the growth and development of this place of mortality. If it be the will of God, when thou shalt be present this will be explained in detail by word of mouth.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í World Faith, p. 372)

On this plane of existence, there are many injustices that the human mind cannot fathom. Among these are heart-rending trials of the innocent . . . With regard to the spiritual significance of the suffering of chil­dren ‘who are afflicted at the hands of the oppressor’, ‘Abdu’l-Bahá not only states that for those souls ‘the afflictions that they bear in life become a cause for them of . . . an outpouring of divine mercy and bestowal’, He also explains that to be a recipient of God’s mercy is ‘preferable to a hundred thousand earthly comforts’, and He promised that ‘in the world to come a mighty recompense awaiteth such souls’. Much, indeed, might be said upon this theme, and upon how the af­flictions that they bear in life become the cause for them of such an outpouring of Divine mercy and bestowal as is preferable to a hun­dred thousand comforts and to a world of growth and development in this transitory abode.  (Universal House of Justice, 1985 Dec 02, Child Abuse, Psychology and Knowledge of Self)

Are there Any Prayers Which the Abuser can Use to Turn his Life Around?  

O Lord!  I have fled from Thy justice, and have sought Thy grace, have turned from thy wrath and implored Thy pardon.  I beseech Thee, by Thy power, Thy sovereignty, Thy glory and Thy favour to illumine mankind with the light of thy knowledge, that all things may show Thy handiwork, may unfold the mysteries of thy power, and may reveal the light of Thy knowledge.  Thou art the One that hath caused all things to be made manifest and hath shone upon them with the light of Thy care and Thy providence.@  (Bahá’í Prayers (UK), p. 32-4)

I beg Thee to forgive me, O my Lord, for every mention but the mention of Thee, and for every praise but the praise of Thee, and for every delight but delight in Thy nearness, and for every pleasure but the pleasure of communion with Thee, and for every joy but the joy of Thy love and of Thy good-pleasure, and for all things pertaining unto me which bear no relationship unto Thee, O Thou Who art the Lord of lords, He Who provideth the means and unlocketh the doors.  (The Báb, Baha’i Prayers, p. 79)

Forgive me, O my Lord, my sins which have hindered me from walking in the ways of Thy good-pleasure, and from attaining the shores of the ocean of Thy oneness.  (Baha’u'llah, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 29)

O God, my God! My back is bowed by the burden of my sins, and my heedlessness hath destroyed me. Whenever I ponder my evil doings and Thy benevolence, my heart melteth within me, and my blood boileth in my veins. By Thy Beauty, O Thou the Desire of the world! I blush to lift up my face to Thee, and my longing hands are ashamed to stretch forth toward the heaven of Thy bounty. Thou seest, O my God, how my tears prevent me from remembering Thee and from extolling Thy virtues, O Thou the Lord of the Throne on high and of earth below! I implore Thee by the signs of Thy Kingdom and the mysteries of Thy Dominion to do with Thy loved ones as becometh Thy bounty, O Lord of all being, and is worthy of Thy grace, O King of the seen and the unseen!  (Baha’u'llah, Long Obligatory Prayer, Prayers and Meditations by Baha’u'llah, p. 322)

O Thou forgiving Lord! Thou art the shelter of all these Thy servants. Thou knowest the secrets and art aware of all things. We are all helpless, and Thou art the Mighty, the Omnipotent. We are all sinners, and Thou art the Forgiver of sins, the Merciful, the Compassionate. O Lord! Look not at our shortcomings. Deal with us according to Thy grace and bounty. Our shortcomings are many, but the ocean of Thy forgiveness is boundless. Our weakness is grievous, but the evidences of Thine aid and assistance are clear. Therefore, confirm and strengthen us. Enable us to do that which is worthy of Thy holy Threshold. Illumine our hearts, grant us discerning eyes and attentive ears. Resuscitate the dead and heal the sick. Bestow wealth upon the poor and give peace and security to the fearful. Accept us in Thy kingdom and illumine us with the light of guidance. Thou art the Powerful and the Omnipotent. Thou art the Generous. Thou art the Clement. Thou art the Kind.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, The Promulgation of Universal Peace, p. 176)

 Conclusion

However, it should be recognized that the ultimate solution to the problems of humanity lies not in penalties and punishments, but rather in spiritual education and illumination. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá  has written: ”It is incumbent upon human society to expend all its forces on the education of the people, and to copiously enter men’s hearts with the sacred streams that pour down from the Realm of the All‑Merciful, and to teach them the manners of Heaven and spiritual ways of life, until every member of the community of man will be schooled, refined, and exalted to such a degree of perfection that the very committing of a shameful act will seem  in itself the direst infliction and most agonizing of punishments, and man will fly in terror and seek refuge in his God from the very idea of crime, as something far harsher and more grievous than the punishment assigned to it.   (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January 1993)

 

 

 

 

 

 

  When most people marry, they hope it will be “till death do us part”, (if you’re Christian) or “through all the worlds of God” (if you’re Bahá’í). Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart . . . Their purpose must [...]

 

When most people marry, they hope it will be “till death do us part”, (if you’re Christian) or “through all the worlds of God” (if you’re Bahá’í).

Bahá’í marriage is the commitment of the two parties one to the other, and their mutual attachment of mind and heart . . . Their purpose must be this: to become loving companions and comrades and at one with each other for time and eternity.   (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118)

In our current society, the statistics for divorce are shocking!  Some studies suggest that 50% of all marriages end in divorce; about one in four as a result of abuse of some kind, typically infidelity or physical or mental cruelty.

So what can we do to turn this around?  The Writings of the Bahá’í Faith offer a number of “checks and balances” to prevent it from happening.

Recognize that it is a “Divine Institution”:  A Bahá’í marriage is not a legally binding covenant, but a divine institution with a sacred purpose to have children.

The Bahá’í Teachings do not only encourage marital life, considering it the natural and normal way of existence for every sane, healthy and socially-conscious and responsible person, but raise marriage to the status of a Divine institution, its chief and sacred purpose being the perpetuation of the human race — which is the very flower of the entire creation — and its elevation to the true station destined for it by God.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 281)

As an institution, it’s on par with other Bahá’í institutions such as:

• Institution of the Guardianship (Shoghi Effendi)
• Administrative institutions, both elected (Universal House of Justice, National and Local Spiritual Assemblies, Bahá’í Councils) and appointed (Hands of the Cause, counsellors, auxiliary board members and their assistants)
• Mashriqu’l-Adhkar (or houses of worship), described as “one of the most vital institutions in the world”
• War (a satanic institution)
• The covenant as an institution
• Charitable and philanthropic institutions
• Temples of learning and scientific institutions
• Parliaments
• The Bahá’í Fund and Huqúqu’lláh (the Right of God)
• Archives
• 19 Day Feast
• National Convention
• Summer Schools

Why is this important?  Because your marriage is one more refuge for a distraught populace; one more link in the oneness of mankind and one more servant, ministering to the needs of an ailing world!

Every institution of this Divinely created Order is one more refuge for a distraught populace; every soul illumined by the light of the sacred Message is one more link in the oneness of mankind, one more servant ministering to the needs of an ailing world.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 327)

If we truly understand the sacred nature and purpose, we would approach marriage differently.

Chastity before marriage:  While Bahá’í marriage is both physical and spiritual, the primary goal is for each person to improve the spiritual life of the other, so they can enjoy everlasting unity through all the worlds of God:

The true marriage of Bahá’ís is this, that husband and wife should be united both physically and spiritually, that they may ever improve the spiritual life of each other, and may enjoy everlasting unity throughout all the worlds of God. This is Bahá’í marriage.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118)

For this reason, the standard is very high, the punishments are severe and the rewards are very great:

Chastity should be strictly practised by both sexes, not only because it is in itself highly commendable ethically, but also due to its being the only way to a happy and successful marital life . . . and whoso violates this rule will not only be responsible to God, but will incur the necessary punishment from society.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 344-345)

Chastity is “the only way to a happy and successful marital life”.  Without it, the marriage is doomed from the start.

If you feel pressured into having sex, keep this advice in mind:

Expect not that they who violate the ordinances of God will be trustworthy or sincere in the faith they profess. Avoid them, and preserve strict guard over thyself, lest their devices and mischief hurt thee. Turn away from them, and fix thy gaze upon God, thy Lord, the All-Glorious, the Most Bountiful.   (Baha’u'llah, The Proclamation of Baha’u'llah, p. 47)

Assess each other’s character:  Since there is a correlation between growing up in an abusive home to growing up to become an abuser, part of your assessment should be to examine the intergenerational cycles of violence in your partner’s family.  See how they treat their parents, siblings, and co-workers.

Bahá’í marriage is union and cordial affection between the two parties. They must, however, exercise the utmost care and become acquainted with each other’s character.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Prayers, p. 103)

Parental Consent is required in order to insure unity in the family.  Parents can often see fatal flaws in a budding relationship better than those who are “in lust”.

As for the question regarding marriage under the Law of God: first thou must choose one who is pleasing to thee, and then the matter is subject to the consent of father and mother.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 118)

Payment of a Dowry:  Although this is not incumbent on the Bahá’ís in the west yet, it’s still a law in the Kitab-i-Aqdas, and should be considered as a way to help women escape abusive situations, since it provides her with a “nest egg” of her own.

No marriage may be contracted without payment of a dowry . . . to be paid by the bridegroom to the bride. It is fixed at 19 mithqals of pure gold for city-dwellers, and 19 mithqals of silver for village-dwellers (see note 94) . . . The law of Bahá’u'lláh . . . converts the dowry into a symbolic act whereby the bridegroom presents a gift of a certain limited value to the bride . . . The purpose is to promote the comfort of all, and to bring about concord and union among the people.  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 209)

Bahá’í Marriage Vow:  Both partners in a marriage are required to repeat the same verse:

For men: “We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.” For women: “We will all, verily, abide by the Will of God.”  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 105)

This is not just a verse to be said at the time of marriage, but a prescription for living.  It reminds both partners to always turn to God first, before making any decision or before consulting with each other.  This verse creates a bond which becomes a covenant for the marriage:

This eternal bond should be made secure by a firm covenant, and the intention should be to foster harmony, fellowship and unity and to attain everlasting life.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Bahá’í Prayers, p. 103)

 The Bahá’í Standard of Marriage:  The Bahá’í Writings are full of wonderful descriptions about the ideal to strive towards; the rewards for doing so; and the punishments for not.  This is a great assistance to couples, who can use it to come back to with every interaction and every decision they make together.  This is one of my favorites:

The Lord, peerless is He, hath made woman and man to abide with each other in the closest companionship, and to be even as a single soul. They are two helpmates, two intimate friends, who should be concerned about the welfare of each other.  If they live thus, they will pass through this world with perfect contentment, bliss, and peace of heart, and become the object of divine grace and favour in the Kingdom of heaven. But if they do other than this, they will live out their lives in great bitterness, longing at every moment for death, and will be shamefaced in the heavenly realm.  Strive, then, to abide, heart and soul, with each other as two doves in the nest, for this is to be blessed in both worlds. (Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 122)

Baha’u'llah refers to marriage as a fortress for well-being and salvation:

Bahá’u'lláh, in one of His Tablets, states that God, in establishing this law, has made marriage “a fortress for well-being and salvation”.  (Baha’u'llah, The Kitab-i-Aqdas, p. 205)

A condition of this fortress is that you are no longer two separate people, but one:

Now you two are no longer two, but one. Bahá’u'lláh’s wish is that all men be of one mind and consider themselves of one great household, that the mind of mankind be not divided against itself.  (Abdu’l-Bahá, Abdu’l-Bahá in London, p. 78)

Have you ever taken a string and tried to break it?  It can break fairly easily with enough pressure, but if you take the strings and braid them into rope, it’s a lot harder.  Everything a couple says and does needs to be mindful of their place in the fortress, with the intention of building it up and making it stronger.  If you are busy building, you won’t have time to tear it down.

Another analogy used for marriages is this:

In this glorious [Bahá’í] Cause the life of a married couple should resemble the life of the angels in heaven—a life full of joy and spiritual delight, a life of unity and concord, a friendship both mental and physical. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Compilation of Compilations, Vol. I, p. 397)

Before a couple even marries, they should be discussing these quotes as a part of getting to know each other’s character.  If they are not willing to adhere to these standards, it’s better to look for someone who will.  We often think that our love will change the other person, but it’s much more likely that the “red flags” you notice when you’re going out together, will stay with the person throughout the marriage.

Understanding the importance of its Spiritual Nature:  Many people agree to marry based on a mutual physical attraction to each other, which, while important, is not the most important.

Bahá’u'lláh has urged marriage upon all people as the natural and rightful way of life. He has also, however, placed strong emphasis on its spiritual nature, which, while in no way precluding a normal physical life, is the most essential aspect of marriage. That two people should live their lives in love and harmony is of far greater importance than that they should be consumed with passion for each other. The one is a great rock of strength on which to learn in time of need; the other a purely temporary thing which may at any time die out.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 378-379)

Confidentiality:  So much damage in a marriage is done by gossip and backbiting.  If an injured party “dumps” their frustration on someone else, venting their trouble and frustration, it causes alienation and estrangement, which compounds the problems.

If any soul speak ill of an absent one, the only result will clearly be this: he will dampen the zeal of the friends and tend to make them indifferent. For backbiting is divisive, it is the leading cause among the friends of a disposition to withdraw. (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Selections From The Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pp. 230-231)

While it is possible to discuss problems without naming names;

You ask in your letter for guidance on the implications of the prohibitions on backbiting and more specifically whether, in moments of anger or depression, the believer is permitted to turn to his friends to unburden his soul and discuss his problem in human relations. Normally, it is possible to describe the situation surrounding a problem and seek help and advice in resolving it, without necessarily mentioning names. The individual believer should seek to do this, whether he is consulting a friend, Bahá’í or non-Bahá’í, or whether the friend is consulting him.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 90)

It’s also important to keep certain matters confidential:

Every institution in the Faith has certain matters which it considers should be kept confidential, and any member who is privy to such confidential information is obliged to preserve the confidentiality within the institution where he learned it. Such matters, however, are but a small portion of the business of any Bahá’í institution. Most subjects dealt with are of common interest and can be discussed openly with anyone. Where no confidentiality is involved the institutions must strive to avoid the stifling atmosphere of secrecy; on the other hand, every believer mist know that he can confide a personal problem to an institution of the Faith, with the assurance that knowledge of the matter will remain confidential.  (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 334)

Understanding the cycles:  Sometimes I find quotes like this confusing:

Hold thy husband dear and always show forth an amiable temper towards him, no matter how ill tempered he may be. Even if thy kindness maketh him more bitter, manifest thou more kindliness, more tenderness, be more loving and tolerate his cruel actions and ill-treatment.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Lights of Guidance, p. 226)

They make me think that ‘Abdu’l-Bahá wants us to stay in abusive situations.  During my year of waiting, I was looking for a reason to stay in my marriage, beyond the fact that divorce is discouraged in the Writings.  I knew that there was one thing I needed to hear, and I didn’t hear it till many years later.  It was the concept that marriages go through cycles, just like the seasons.  Most people in difficult spots in their marriage are in the middle of winter; and assume it will always stay like that, forgetting that winter is followed by spring.  If I was able to understand this, I would have been able to hold on.

Before the coming of the spring, the earth looks as if dead and lifeless, but when it appears, all the world seems to spring into life and brightness  – into a new existence of beauty and joy. All nature is clad in fresh green, the grass springs up, the leaves bud, and the trees are covered with blossoms. But the spring passes, and then comes the summer, in which the promise of the spring is fulfilled; the spring blossoms ripen into fruit, and the fields are covered with yellow grain; the result of the new life of the spring is manifested. Then comes the autumn, in which the life of the spring and summer begins slowly to fade, and finally winter comes round, and the life of the earth seems to be completely extinct — dead. (Compilations, Baha’i Prayers 9, p. 57)

Behaviour inside the Marriage:  We are given specific guidance on how to treat our spouses:

As to thy respected husband: it is incumbent upon thee to treat him with great kindness, to consider his wishes and be conciliatory with him at all times, till he seeth that because thou hast directed thyself toward the Kingdom of God, thy tenderness for him and thy love for God have but increased, as well as thy concern for his wishes under all conditions.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá: Selected Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 122)

Putting God between you and your spouse:

If any differences arise amongst you, behold Me standing before your face, and overlook the faults of one another for My name’s sake and as a token of your love for My manifest and resplendent Cause.  (Baha’u'llah, Gleanings from the Writings of Baha’u'llah, p. 315)

Using ‘Abdu’l-Bahá as a role model:

He feels you should by all means show your husband the greatest love and sympathy; if we are ever in any doubts as to how we should conduct ourselves as Bahá’ís we should think of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá and study His life and ask ourselves what would He have done, for He is our perfect example in every way. And you know how tender He was, and how His affection and kindness shone like sunlight on everyone. “Your husband and your child have a right to your love, and give you a wonderful opportunity of demonstrating your faith in the Cause.” “Also you should pray to Bahá’u'lláh to help unite you with your husband and make your home a true and happy home.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 226)

Consultation:

Bahá’u'lláh also stressed the importance of consultation. We should not think this worthwhile method of seeking solutions is confined to the administrative institutions of the Cause. Family consultation employing full and frank discussion, and animated by awareness of the need for moderation and balance, can be the panacea for domestic conflict. Wives should not attempt to dominate their husbands, nor husbands their wives.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453) You have asked, however, for specific rules of conduct to govern the relationships of husbands and wives . . . If, God forbid, they fail to agree, and their disagreement leads to estrangement, they should seek counsel from those they trust and in whose sincerity and sound judgement they have confidence, in order to preserve and strengthen their ties as a united family.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 456)

The House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your eldest daughter. It is suggested that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consultations. As Bahá’ís we understand the importance of the consultative process and we should not feel it is to be used only by the Spiritual Assemblies.    (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

Noting that you and your husband have consulted about your family problems with your Spiritual Assembly but did not receive any advice, and also discussed your situation with a family counsellor without success, the House of Justice feels it most essential for your husband and you to understand that marriage can be a source of well-being, conveying a sense of security and spiritual happiness. However, it is not something that just happens. For marriage to become a haven of contentment it requires the cooperation of the marriage partners themselves, and the assistance of their families. You mention your concern over your eldest daughter. It is suggested that you include her and perhaps your younger children in family consultations. As Bahá’ís we understand the importance of the consultative process and we should not feel it is to be used only by the Spiritual Assemblies.    (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

Consulting with Assemblies:

The believers should learn to turn more often to their Assemblies for advice and help and at an earlier date, and the Assemblies, on the other hand, should act with more vigilance and a greater sense of community responsibility towards every situation.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 80)

If a Bahá’í woman suffers abuse or is subjected to rape by her husband, she has the right to turn to the assembly for assistance and counsel, or to seek legal protection.  Such an abuse would gravely jeopardize the continuation of the marriage, and could well lead to a condition of irreconcilable antipathy.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)

Consulting with the Universal House of Justice:

It’s very easy for Bahá’ís who need clarification from the highest level of authority in the Faith, to contact the Universal House of Justice directly, and many Baha’is take great comfort in hearing their response.  You can write to them for advice or to ask for prayers to be said on your behalf at the Shrines, at PO Box 155 Haifa, Israel 31001 Israel or email them at:  secretariat@bwc.org

Consulting Marriage Counsellors:

The House of Justice is pleased to learn from your letter that both you and your husband are receiving professional therapy, in addition to the counselling you are receiving from your Local Spiritual Assembly.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 22 July, 1987)

 Balancing service with strengthening your home life:

In considering the problems that you and your wife are experiencing, the House of Justice points out that the unity of your family should take priority over any other consideration. Bahá’u'lláh came to bring unity to the world, and a fundamental unity is that of the family. Therefore, we must believe that the Faith is intended to strengthen the family, not weaken it. For example, service to the Cause should not produce neglect of the family. It is important for you to arrange your time so that your family life is harmonious and your household receives the attention it requires.  (Universal House of Justice, The Compilation of Compilations vol II, p. 453)

Surely Shoghi Effendi would like to see you and the other friends give their whole time and energy to the Cause, for we are in great need for competent workers, but the home is an institution that Bahá’u'lláh has come to strengthen and not to weaken. Many unfortunate things have happened in Bahá’í homes just for neglecting this point. Serve the Cause but also remember your duties towards your home. It is for you to find the balance and see that neither makes you neglect the other. We would have many more husbands in the Cause were the wives more thoughtful and moderate in their Bahá’í activities.  (Shoghi Effendi, Lights of Guidance, p. 220)

Year of Waiting:  Baha’u'llah has given us a wonderful tool for taking a “time out” from your marriage to work on the issues that could lead to divorce.  It’s a safety valve, which, when used in a timely fashion, could give an abusive partner time away to work on the issues contributing to being abusive; and the spouse to work on their co-dependent issues.

The Spiritual Assembly should always be concerned that the believers in its community are being deepened in their understanding of the Bahá’í concept of marriage, especially the young people, so that the very thought of divorce will be abhorrent to them . . . its first thought and action should be to reconcile the couple and to ensure that they know the Bahá’í teachings on the matter. God willing, the Assembly will be successful and no year of waiting need be started . . . During the year the couple have the responsibility of attempting to reconcile their difference, and the Assembly has the duty to help them and encourage them. (Universal House of Justice, Lights of Guidance, p. 390)

It always seems a pity that most couples go to their Assemblies to ask for a year of waiting when they’ve already decided to divorce, instead of using the time to sincerely work on the issues that led to this point.

Divorce:  While divorce is highly discouraged in the Faith, it is allowable only if one or both partners reach a stage of “irreconcilable antipathy”.  This could happen in cases of abuse:

If a Bahá’í woman suffers abuse or is subjected to rape by her husband, she has the right to turn to the assembly for assistance and counsel, or to seek legal protection.  Such an abuse would gravely jeopardize the continuation of the marriage, and could well lead to a condition of irreconcilable antipathy.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January, 1993)

 Conclusion:

When there is spousal abuse in the marriage, the feelings of one partner – maybe both – break. Those broken feelings eat away at the foundation of the fortress.  Once you’re in a marriage it’s much more difficult to get out, so it’s important to make sure that all of these tools are in place before going ahead with a marriage.   Being truthful with yourself about problems in any of these areas is a key.

Can you think of any others?  Do you have a story to contribute?  Post your comments here:

 

When I first discovered the Bahá’í Faith, Bahá’u’lláh’s version of a New World Order, with the family at the centre, as a nation in miniature was an exciting concept for me.  I understood instantly the importance of shaping such a unit, but being able to implement it was quite another thing. It made sense that [...]

When I first discovered the Bahá’í Faith, Bahá’u’lláh’s version of a New World Order, with the family at the centre, as a nation in miniature was an exciting concept for me.  I understood instantly the importance of shaping such a unit, but being able to implement it was quite another thing.

It made sense that many people who have experienced great injustice in their lives would be attracted to a Faith based on justice. However, once I became a Bahá’ís I noticed that no one talked about how to apply the Writings to personal problems or spoke aloud the questions which might arise from the deepest parts of their souls.

No one was saying out loud:

• My family didn’t look anything like the Bahá’í teachings and I don’t know how to implement these concepts

• I can’t trust so I can’t consult

• God has let me down – so why pray? – or Fast? _ or give to the Fund?

• Obeying loving parents resulted in injustice and oppression – so why should I obey laws that look oppressive?

• My behaviour is moderate, or acceptable under the law of the land, so surely this Bahá’í law doesn’t apply to me.

• I am angry and I can’t instantly forgive.

If these are questions you have pondered too, I want to honor you, and acknowledge your bravery for searching for answers.  I found all the answers I was looking for (and more), from the Bahá’í Teachings and I know you will too.

I have been through a significant amount of trauma in my life but have found solutions, hope and healing when turning to the Bahá’í Writings and striving to apply them in my life. I would like to share my story so that you will better understand where I am coming from and why this topic is so significant to me.   It originally appeared in “Parenting in the New World Order”, March 1993, and was published with the permission of the National Spiritual Assembly of the Bahá’ís of Canada.

I invite you to read it as a clear demonstration of the healing power of the Word of God and to witness the positive effects it has had in my life.  I apologize if it is too explicit and warn you that it may be triggering for some people. If you think this is you, please make sure you have some support when reading it.

My Story

I grew up in a middle class, professional family, in an environment of alcoholism, neglect and physical, emotional and sexual abuse. My father was an alcoholic but had a responsible position in a Western Canadian city. In his industry, he was highly renowned and respected for his integrity and high moral standards. At home, he was a very volatile, violent man, who beat his wife and children, sexually abused my brothers and I and took us on camping trips, which involved satanic cult activities including bestiality, murder, rape and cannibalism.

My mother also held senior positions in the companies she worked for. She was also extremely violent, sexually abusive and active in preparing me for participating in cult activities. I was terrified of both of them, all the time.

I was sent to religious private schools for my education and was sexually abused by the female teachers at two of the schools I attended. I was brought up in the . . . church and the “Church of Satan” simultaneously. It was very confusing because many of the same people were involved in both places.

I was also sexually abused by an uncle, a grandfather and the husband of one of our baby-sitters. In one way, I was fortunate because I grew up distrusting men and women equally. So now, as I heal, I can see the need for all of us to work together to overcome the effects of such oppression and abuse.

As is typical of people who have experiences such trauma, I developed many coping mechanisms which kept me alive through experiences which no adult could survive.

I’ve envied the martyrs in the Bahá’í Faith, whose torture was relatively short-lived and ended in death for something they believed in. The torture I endured lasted for seventeen years, but the effects have lingered another eighteen and will be with me for the rest of my life.

Rest assured in the protection of God. He will preserve His own children under all circumstances. Be ye not afraid nor be ye agitated. He holds the scepter of power in His hand, and like unto a hen He gathereth His chickens under His wings. (‘Abdul-Bahá, Star of the West, vol. 22, p. 248)

I was close to being killed at least three times – once in fact I had been bound and gagged and placed on a stone alter, “chosen” to be “fed to the fire.” I was only four years old, and had already been raped and violated by men and women many times. I was prepared to die. I was ready to die, but at the last minute, as the flames were getting closer, somebody came and I was thrown off and rolled away as the adults pretended they were picnicking and playing volleyball.

I married when I was eighteen, to a man who was thirty-seven; a man who brought his gun and knife collection into our bedroom. He never had to get angry with me – I always did what I thought he wanted. The guns and knives were a silent threat.

Having a family was always my dream. Having a marriage last was another I wanted more than anything else to be “normal”.

Several miracles occurred out of my experiences. When I was a child, I had a strong relationship with God, I prayed frequently – especially for the abuse to stop. When it didn’t, I stopped believing in God. God knows how I became a Bahá’í – I certainly don’t – but my son is now eight years old and I am raising him as a Bahá’í, and not in the cult, and I am not sexually abusing him. I’ve broken two multi-generational patterns, so my prayers were answered, just not in the way or in the time frame I had imagined.

I have been in therapy for many years trying to sort out my experiences and trying to use the Bahá’í teachings in my recovery. I struggle daily to bring my life into the standards of the Faith.

Concepts such as institutions as “loving parents” are difficult for me to understand (what is a loving parent?!) – but I’ve tested the concept twice and I’m beginning to learn. I went to the Bahá’í Local Spiritual Assembly of . . . to request their input into the terms of my divorce, and I wrote to the Universal House of Justice, asking what my obligations were to my family. Both consultations were very powerful, and have been tremendous forces in my personal growth.

I love ‘Abdul-Bahá’s writing:

My home is the home of peace . . .

And I try to use it as a guideline, but I’m not always successful. It’s hard to live life in the present when anything can trigger a frightening memory.

I’ve come to realize that I have lived most of my life from the perspective of a terrified four-year-old, whose turn it is to die, wanting to die, and now it’s time to choose to live. Reclaiming memories of my childhood, committing myself to live life consciously, recognizing oppression when it is happening and choosing to deal with it head on instead of avoiding it, are all part of my healing process.

Much of the time I felt that my son was being parented by an adult body with the feelings and experiences of a four year old.

Many times I am confronted with situations that my role models simply didn’t prepare me to deal with – so when my son was little and I wanted to take out my frustrations on him, I took him in my arms and held him close and said or sang the prayer:

Is there any remover of difficulties save God? Say: Praised be God! He is God! All are His servants and all abide by His bidding.  (The Báb, Bahá’í Prayers, p. 28)

over and over while the feeling passed and an opportunity presented itself – and it always did.

So often I feel that my son is teaching me how to parent. He often can see a solution that just makes sense. Sometimes, when my self-esteem is low, I remind myself that the Bahá’í Writings are very clear that the parent is to be in charge, but I always trust the Bahá’u’lláh is guiding my life on the right path, and is teaching me through my son.

I pray for him and with him often, and although he has always vigorously opposed prayer and reading the Writings and calling himself to account daily, I’m hoping that these things will stay with him.

Recently I decided to write to the Universal House of Justice for their guidance. Their response has had a profound effect on my healing and I thought it might be of assistance to others in similar situations.

Holidays have always been difficult times for me, but since I confronted my parents with the sexual abuse, they’ve been especially difficult. They have chosen to deny their involvement and I have been unwilling to engage in a relationship with them that is not based on truth. I have no contact with them and until I got a letter from the Universal House of Justice, I assumed this meant that I was being a bad daughter, and an unforgiving Bahá’í. The Universal House of Justice wrote:

. . . being prudent in deciding upon the appropriate amount of contact with your parents, in reaching your decision, you should be guided by such factors as:

• their degree of remorse over what they inflicted on you in the past

• the extent of their present involvement in practices which are so contrary to Bahá’í Teachings and

• the level of vulnerability you perceive within yourself to being influenced adversely by them.”

When I first started my healing journey, I went to the Bahá’í Writings for guidance and found:

Thy name is my healing . . .

God is sufficient . . .

Seek no other helper . . .

So I felt guilty looking for a therapist. God wasn’t sufficient in the sense I thought it meant, but He was sufficient in showing me the right people at the right time. The Universal House of Justice confirmed this in their letter, writing:

. . . you may well find it useful to seek the advice of experts such as your therapist.

I used to feel that I was a bad Bahá’í for not being able to instantly forgive my parents, but the Universal House of Justice wrote:

You are urged to strive to develop forgiveness in your heart toward your parents who have abused you in so disgraceful a manner, and to attain a level of insight which sees them as captives of their lower nature . . .

For me, this means that I may never get there, and as long as I continue to strive, I’m doing the right thing.

Nowhere in the letter from the Universal House of Justice does it say I should stop looking at the memories and dwelling on the past, as I have been told by many well-meaning friends. Instead, the Universal House of Justice writes:

You are truly blessed to have been enabled to accept Bahá’u’lláh as the Manifestation of God for this Age, and to have access to the limitless spiritual powers with which His life-giving Revelations is infused. You can draw on these powers by your prayers, as well as your participation in the work of the Faith and in the life of the Bahá’í community; through this effort and through your consultation with competent professionals having expertise in your area of need, you can promote your healing from the damaging effects of your past experiences, and can find happiness and tranquility.

So I’m not sure what this has to say to parents looking for ideas on raising their children – except I know that there are many people out there who are struggling with similar experiences and are wondering what the Bahá’í approach to recovery might be.

I’m sure that because of the shame and the need for perfectionism that many of us just struggle with, we will continue to find the Writings to “beat” ourselves with instead of the ones which will heal.

Having had such a clear letter from the Universal House of Justice has validated my struggle and helped me to know that I am on the right track – and I know that if I work on becoming a better person, my parenting sills are bound to improve too.

None of use grew up in the kind of families Bahá’u’lláh calls us to create, and as adults, we need to take a close look at who we are and where we came from. We need to make conscious decision to change the patterns we don’t like. And we need to trust the guidance we’ve been given in the Bahá’í Writings. Sometimes this may mean having to create a family of choice as we leave behind our family of anger. God will guide us and protect us on our parenting journey. All we have to do is ask.

I believe that all of the answers we need are in the Bahá’í Writings and that we just need to learn to use them to assist us. Particular assistance came to me from the letter from the Universal House of Justice, for example the ideas that:

• healing is not expected to be instantaneous or absolute, but can be “promoted”.

• I am not expected to instantly forgive my parents “To strive to develop forgiveness’ seems to acknowledge that it may never be achieved in this lifetime.

• I am not obligated to see, spend time with or take care of my parents in their old age. I am encouraged to be “prudent in the deciding upon the appropriate amount of contact with your parents.”

• It’s OK to feel vulnerable and “to seek the advice of experts such as your therapist”

The letter from the world Center closes with the following:

The House of Justice offers you its abundant sympathy at what you have suffered, it’s loving concern for your welfare, and its encouragement to you to look to the future with confidence and optimism. You are urged to ponder these reassuring words of Bahá’u’lláh: “O my Servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will no doubt, attain.”

I am happy to send copies of the Universal House of Justice letter to anyone who wants it, and I’m happy to share my journey with anyone who needs to talk about being a Bahá’í and having less than ‘Abdul-Bahá-like responses to the injustices thy have had.

I’ve put together a compilation of all the quotes which helped me.  You can read more about it at:  http://susangammage.com/Abuse-and-Violence-Reasons-and-Remedies

Local Assemblies who require guidance in dealing with cases involving abuse should contact their National Spiritual Assembly.

There is a great document put out by the National Spiritual Assembly of the Baha’is of the United States, called:  Guidelines for Spiritual Assemblies on Domestic Violence which is helpful for anyone dealing with issues arising from violence and abuse of any kind.  You can download it from:  www.bahai.us/system/files/DVGuidelines.pdf

 

  Those of us who’ve experienced abuse as children often learn to expect that bad things are likely to happen in the future and that there is nothing that can be done to prevent or avoid them from happening.  This can lead to a lifetime of anxiety (waiting for it to happen) and depression (arising [...]

 

Those of us who’ve experienced abuse as children often learn to expect that bad things are likely to happen in the future and that there is nothing that can be done to prevent or avoid them from happening.  This can lead to a lifetime of anxiety (waiting for it to happen) and depression (arising from learned helplessness).

For many years the Bahá’í Faith was both my rescuer and my tormenter.  I totally believed that Baha’u'llah was who He said He was, and that He had a blueprint for humanity, (including me), so that we could get ourselves out of the mess we were in.  This is my primary reason for becoming a Bahá’í.

Over the years, I strove to put into practice the teachings, to the best of my ability, believing that if I did so, I would be transforming myself and contributing to the betterment of the world.  Doing this gave me my life back, for which I am grateful!

But the longer I was a Bahá’í, and the more I studied the Writings morning and night; and the more study circles I tutored and the more people I coached, the more the Writings became a giant “to do” list, and I eventually collapsed under the weight of trying to do it all.  It contributed to my deepening anxiety and depression and worsened my mental health.

I knew that this wasn’t the fault of the Teachings, but that somehow there was something I had failed to understand.  Recently I came across the term “akrasia” which means “weakness of will; acting in a way contrary to one’s sincerely held moral values”.  This described me perfectly!

My mental health problems had less to do with anxiety and depression and post traumatic stress disorder (most of which had been laid to rest years ago); but the failure to live up to my expectations of what I thought God wanted of me.  The judgements and torments with which I inflicted myself were beyond any of the abuse which had been perpetrated on me as a child; and worse, I was doing it to myself!  So I was delighted to find the right “diagnosis”!

I recently came across the work of Michael Penn, a Bahá’í professor and clinical psychologist, who conducted a study called “Akrasia and Mental Health”.  In it, he sought to explore the mental health problems that may be associated with akrasia in a cross-cultural sample.

He was interested in akrasia as defined by “an agent’s will is said to be weak if he or she acts, and acts intentionally, in ways that are contrary to his or her own best judgment. Under such circumstances it is sometimes said that the actor lacks “self-mastery” or the willpower to do what he or she knows or believes would be best, all things considered”;   and in the moral self-assessments and self-reflective judgments that centred upon what one has done or failed to do, resulting in guilt, shame, regret and remorse leading to anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and vulnerability to suicide.

His findings were as follows:

1)      When individuals act in ways that are contrary to their own values they may awaken moral emotions that are experienced as a form of self-induced trauma;

2)      as it is with other-induced trauma, the self-induced trauma associated with acts of akrasia should be correlated with mental distress and various states of psychopathology;

3)      the deleterious impact of akrasia is not culture specific but is universal.

Michael began to hypothesize that the only lasting remedy was for akratic patients to begin acting in ways that were more congruent with their own implicit or explicit values.

I turned to the world of nature and looked at the human body.  I came to realize that the big toenail (for example) has an important function and when it’s bent or broken, the whole body suffers.  It’s function is to protect the big toe and the surrounding soft tissues from injuries.  It doesn’t feel guilty for not being able to see, or taste.  It just does its job the best it knows how.

This was a revelation!  The Bahá’í Writings were written for all of humanity for the next 500,000 years; and not just for Susan Gammage on October 10 in any given year!  I didn’t have to do it all; and I didn’t have to do it all today.  I just had to make today better than yesterday.

If you want to read the whole study, email me at:  susan@susangammage.com

One of the hardest parts of recovery from abuse, is to leave the justice to God, but how do we know that God sees the violence and abuse which goes on in homes and on streets around the world? Think not the deeds ye have committed have been blotted from My sight . . . [...]

One of the hardest parts of recovery from abuse, is to leave the justice to God, but how do we know that God sees the violence and abuse which goes on in homes and on streets around the world?

Think not the deeds ye have committed have been blotted from My sight . . . All your doings hath My pen graven with open characters upon tablets of chrysolite. (Bahá’u'lláh, Hidden Words, Persian 63.)

What is justice and what does it mean in this instance?

The best beloved of all things in My sight is Justice . . . By its aid thou shalt see with thine own eyes and not through the eyes of others, and shalt know of thine own knowledge and not through the knowledge of thy neighbour.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Hidden Words, Arabic 2.)

The Canopy of existence, resteth on the pole of justice, and not of forgiveness, and the life of mankind dependeth on justice and not on forgiveness.   (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, quoted from Shoghi Effendis letters published in Guidance for Today and Tomorrow, Chapter Xll.)

That which traineth the world is Justice, for it is upheld by two pillars, reward and punishment.  These two pillars are the sources of life to the world.   (Bahá’u'lláh, Tablets of Bahá’u'lláh, p. 27.)

Justice is not limited, it is a universal quality.  Its operation must be carried out in all classes, from the highest to the lowest.  Justice must be sacred, and the rights of all the people must be considered.  Desire for others only that which you desire for yourselves . . . I hope that each one of you will become just, and direct your thoughts towards the unity of mankind; that you will never harm your neighbours nor speak ill of any one; that you will respect the rights of all men, and be more concerned for the interests of others than for your own.  Thus will you become torches of Divine justice, acting in accordance with the Teaching of Baha’u'llah.   (`Abdu’l-Bahá:  Paris Talks, pages 159‑160)

Is it better for a perpetrator to be punished in this world or in the next?  Does it matter?

As to the question regarding the soul of a murderer, and what his punishment would be.  The answer given was that the murderer must expiate his crime: that is, if they put the murderer to death, his death is his atonement for his crime, and following the death, God in His justice will impose no second penalty upon him, for divine justice would not allow this.   (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 179)

Someone once asked ‘Abdu’l-Bahá this question:  Should a criminal be punished, or forgiven and his crime overlooked?  ‘Abdu’l-Bahá answered:

There are two sorts of retributory punishments.  One is vengeance, the other, chastisement.  Man has not the right to take vengeance, but the community has the right to punish the criminal; and this punishment is intended to warn and to prevent so that no other person will dare to commit a like crime.  This punishment is for the protection of mans rights, but it is not vengeance; vengeance appeases the anger of the heart by opposing one evil to another.  This is not allowable, for man has not the right to take vengeance.  But if criminals were entirely forgiven, the order of the world would be upset.  So punishment is one of the essential necessities for the safety of communities.   (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 268.)

Do the Writings support the punishments meted out by our present justice system?

Observe how many penal institutions, houses of detention and places of torture are made ready to receive the sons of men, the purpose being to prevent them, by punitive measures, from committing terrible crimes – whereas this very torment and punishment only increaseth depravity, and by such means the desired aim cannot be properly achieved.   (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, from a previously untranslated tablet, quoted in Bahá’í Education, p. 16.)

When the justice system fails to punish or protect, do we have any guarantees that there will be punishment done from a spiritual context?

Baha’u'llah is pretty clear:

The rod with which I can chastise the wicked is grievous, and the fierceness of Mine anger against them terrible.   (Bahá’u'lláh, in Shoghi Effendi, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 68.)

He also says:

O Oppressors on Earth!  Withdraw your hand from tyranny, for I have pledged Myself not to forgive any man’s injustice.  This is My covenant which I have irrevocably decreed in the preserved tablet and sealed it with My seal of glory.   (Bahá’u'lláh, Hidden Words, Persian 64.)

What happens to a person who abuses someone else? Sometimes it looks as though their lives are so much better than the lives of the victim.  How is this possible?

The Báb gives us an answer:

Shouldst Thou ordain evil for a servant by reason of that which his hands have unjustly wrought before Thy face, Thou wouldst test him with the benefits of this world and of the next that he might become preoccupied therewith and forget Thy remembrance.    (The Báb, Selections from the Writings of the Báb, p. 192.)

Sometimes it looks as if their lives go on as usual, and that nothing very severe happens, but ‘Abdu’l-Bahá tells us that they will:

see for themselves beyond any doubt that there is no fiercer hell, no more fiery abyss, than to possess a character that is evil and unsound; no more darksome pit nor loathsome torment than to show forth qualities which deserve to be condemned.  (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, p. 136.)

I swear by God!  The promised day is come, the day when tormenting trials will have surged above your heads, and beneath your feet, saying: Taste ye what your hands have wrought!  (Bahá’u'lláh in Shoghi Effendi, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 68.)

If they do not achieve this level of awareness in this world,

It is clear and evident that all men shall, after their physical death, estimate the worth of their deeds, and realize all that their hands have wrought … they that live in error shall be seized with such fear and trembling, and shall be filled with such consternation, as nothing can exceed.   (Bahá’u'lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh, p. 171.)

What sort of chastisement does God hand out to the abuser?

Know thou that ordeals are of two kinds.  One is for tests, and the other for punishment of misdeeds . . . that which is for punishment of deeds is severe retribution.    (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, in Divine Art of Living, p. 85.)

With the perpetrating of vile and ignoble acts, his attention was engrossed, and he abandoned the temperance and moderation of a natural way of life.  The result was the engendering of diseases both violent and diverse.   (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Selections from the Writings of ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, pp. 152-3.)

He hath, however, caused you to be entangled with (the) affairs (of the world) , in return for what your hands have wrought in His Cause.  This, indeed, is a chastisement which ye, of your own will, have inflicted upon yourselves, could ye but perceive it.  (Bahá’u'lláh, Gleanings from the Writings of Bahá’u'lláh, p. 209.)

The other kind of torment is gross – such as penalties, imprisonment, beating, expulsion and banishment.  But for the people of God separation from God is the greatest torment of all.   (‘Abdu’l-Bahá, Some Answered Questions, p. 265.)

Are there no consequences in this world?

It is inevitable that this community will, at times, be subject to delinquent behaviour of members whose actions do not conform to the standards of the Teachings.  At such times, the institutions of the Faith will not hesitate to apply Bahá’í law with justice and fairness in full confidence that the Divine Law is the means for the true happiness of all concerned.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January 1993.)

Under certain circumstances, the parents could be deprived of the right of parenthood as a consequence of their actions.  The Universal House of Justice has the right to legislate on this matter.  It has decided for the present that all cases should be referred to it in which the conduct or character of a parent appears to render him unworthy of having such parental rights as that of giving consent to marriage.  Such questions could arise, for example, when a parent has committed incest, or when the child was conceived as a consequence of rape, and also when a parent consciously fails to protect the child from flagrant sexual abuse.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January 1993.)

As to the punishments for such acts as rape, these will be determined in the future by the Universal House of Justice.  (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer,  8 June 1982.)

What compensation is there for the victim?

Grieve thou not over those that have busied themselves with the things of this world, and have forgotten the remembrance of God . . . The day is approaching when the wrathful anger of the Almighty will have taken hold of them . . . He shall cleanse the earth from the defilement of their corruption, and shall give it for an heritage unto such of His servants as are nigh unto Him.   (Bahá’u'lláh in Shoghi Effendi, Advent of Divine Justice, p. 68-9.)

What about making amends?

If we spontaneously desire to acknowledge we have been wrong in something and that we have some fault of character, and ask another person’s forgiveness or pardon, we are quite free to do so.  The Guardian wants to point out, however, that we are not obliged to do so.  It rests entirely with the individual”   (From a letter written by the Universal House of Justice to a National Spiritual Assembly, 19 March 1973.)

Do the Writings of the Faith give guidance to those who have been punished?

You have already, through at last facing yourself and acknowledging that you have both failed and erred in managing your life so far, set your feet on the right path.  But now this new and spiritual condition in you is going to be proved – and the proving, the testing, will surely consist of the way you determine to take your punishment.

Life is based on laws:  physical, man-made, and spiritual.  As you have broken the laws of the society in which you live, you will have to stand up like a man and take your punishment.  The spirit in which you do this is the most important thing, and constitutes a great opportunity for you . . . at present, until your sentence is up, you must live within yourself in a way not to spoil the new future awaiting you.  You must not become bitter – for after all you are only reaping what you planted.  Bahá’u'lláh and ‘Abdu’l-Bahá, through no crime of their own, spent the better part of their lives in exile and imprisoned, but they never became embittered although they were the victims of injustice.  You, on the other hand, are the victim of injustice which you have inflicted on yourself – therefore you certainly have no right to be bitter towards the world.

He urges you to grasp firmly the teachings of our Faith, the love of your family and many Bahá’í friends, to put the past behind entirely, realizing that it can do you no more harm; on the contrary, through changing you and making you spiritually aware, this very past can be a means of enriching your life in  the future!   (Letter written on behalf of Shoghi Effendi to an individual believer, 8 April 1948.  Shoghi Effendi, Unfolding Destiny, pp. 449-50.)

Is there a prayer which the abuser can use to turn his life around?

O Lord!  I have fled from Thy justice, and have sought Thy grace, have turned from thy wrath and implored Thy pardon.  I beseech Thee, by Thy power, Thy sovereignty, Thy glory and Thy favour to illumine mankind with the light of thy knowledge, that all things may show Thy handiwork, may unfold the mysteries of thy power, and may reveal the light of Thy knowledge.  Thou art the One that hath caused all things to be made manifest and hath shone upon them with the light of Thy care and Thy providence.   (Bahá’í Prayers (UK), p. 32-4.)

Conclusion

However, it should be recognized that the ultimate solution to the problems of humanity lies not in penalties and  punishments, but rather in spiritual education and illumination. ‘Abdu’l-Bahá has written:

It is incumbent upon human society to expend all its forces on the education of the people, and to copiously enter men’s hearts with the sacred streams that pour down from the Realm of the All‑Merciful, and to teach them the manners of Heaven and spiritual ways of life, until every member of the community of man will be schooled, refined, and exalted to such a degree of perfection that the very committing of a shameful act will seem  in itself the direst infliction and most agonizing of punishments, and man will fly in terror and seek refuge in his God from the very idea of crime, as something far harsher and more grievous than the punishment assigned to it.”   (From a letter written on behalf of the Universal House of Justice to an individual believer, 24 January 1993.)